Thursday, December 08, 2005

What is Wrong?

Last night was sheer misery for me. Oh, not that I was physically miserable, but I was emotionally bent out of shape.

I've wanted to write for weeks now. It's become particularly bad this last week, especially with the beautiful snow we've received (well, it's more beautiful when I'm at home, nice and cozy!) and the cold weather. Perfect time to write! And it's the Christmas season!

But I am so frustrated. It's been so long since I've worked on this particular novel, The Rake's Lady, that I feel like I need to review my GMC's, re-read what I've already written, and look over my character sketches to get a feel for the characters again. But I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm. Or maybe it's the motivation.

Here's the kicker...I want to write. I want to sit down and indulge myself.

Why can't I? What is holding me back?

I've discovered something about myself lately...if I don't write, I am miserable. I get cranky. I feel a lack of peace. I feel disconnected from myself. In general, I am not happy.

Knowing all of this, why can't I make myself sit down and write? It's not writer's block. I know where I'm going, I know the characters, and I am not writing myself into a wall.

I'm thinking it's my lack of exercise the past few weeks. The weather has been bad and tons of other stuff has come up (yes, excuses, I know) and I've really missed my work-outs. I plan to go tonight, come hell or high water.

But it's not just that...my husband works very long hours. When he gets home, I want to spend time with him - it's often only an hour or two - and I feel like I should not spend that time writing since we see so little of each other. And then I feel guilty for not spending time with my kids. To top it all off, I sit in front of a computer all day and write for my job. Usually that doesn't bother me, to come home and work on my own stuff. But lately, that's the last thing I want to do - sit in front of a computer. I'd rather snuggle on the couch with my daughter and read a book than do anything.

Yet this nagging feeling won't leave me alone. I'm restless. I'm edgy. I snap like an ice-covered branch at the slightest thing. And no, it's not my hormones! *grin*

I'm at a loss. I want to write, yet can't make myself sit down. I need to write for my own sanity. Then why am I struggling?

8 comments:

  1. Hmm...don't know what to tell you. That reminds me of when you get so bored, but instead of doing something to alleviate the boredom, you sit there and continue being bored because you're actually too bored to do anything. Oh crap, I don't think I had enough coffee in me to make sense out of that. I just cramped my brain.

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  2. LOL, Kelly!! "Cramped my brain"... you put to words what I experience!!

    Melissa, if you figure why you are struggling, please let me know. I think I am in the same cycle!

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  3. Hmm...I'm going through the same thing and when I read your post, the answer became quite clear. Writing is the one thing we do for ourselves. No one else has a part of it, we write for purely selfish reasons. Thus we feel guilty about it because there are so many other things that require our time and attention. You have a whole paragraph outlining why you feel guilty about writing. You've allowed yourself to give up the one selfish thing you do because you feel guilty about it. And it is starting to wear on you.

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  4. Dr. Pollard here says you need to just sit and write. Go with what is in your memory. Your sitting down and having to 'study' the characterizations is more of a bore to you, so why do it? Just go with memory and things will come back to you. Besides, you'll be doing what you want to do... write! And that's writing for YOU, not for work and not for whatever else. Just you. It might spark some questions and you might need to refer back to your characerizations and such and you'll be on fire!!

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  5. Kelly, I know what you mean...I've been that bored before. That's when I'd usually turn on the t.v. and sit like a zombie for hours. Thank goodness I don't have cable anymore!!!

    AE, maybe it's just the time of year. But I hope you find your way out of this weird pattern, too!

    Rene, you're absolutely right. I have been putting myself last lately and doing everything else - the housework, taking care of the kids, the bills, etc., etc. I need to take time for me.

    Dr. Dana, I will do as you prescribe - just sit and write!

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  6. I know how that feels. I get the same way, overloaded creative energy that makes me go crazy if I don't get it out.

    I had the same problem too, of wanting to write but I didn't do it. I think in my case it was boredom/being so tired that you just sit there and stare at the TV instead of getting up and going over to the computer.

    But there's nothing wrong with doing a little writing in your head during times like these. Just let your thoughts wander, imagine your characters in silly, Out Of Character (OOC) situations. Let them discuss a movie you just saw or something you've recently read. Imagine how they would react to things that have happened to you recently.

    I know, I know, it doesn't get anymore words on the paper, but it helps you get to know your characters. They may even tell you some of their secrets. ^_^

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  7. C, thanks for the thoughts. You're right - there is nothing wrong with doing a little writing in my head. It feels like my characters are always hovering on the edges of my conscious - probably getting really tired of me not doing anything!

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  8. Anonymous2:51 PM

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