Re-Wiring the Brain

Scientific studies prove our brains have been rewired by the Internet and social media. With us flitting from one site to another, our attention span becomes scattered, and focusing on a project is far more difficult.

I've definitely noticed a huge difference in my ability to focus on one thing at a time. Even when I'm engrossed in a movie, I will often check the notifications on my phone. There's no need for me to do this. But as further studies prove, social media is a type of addiction. I absolutely believe it. When I've taken social media breaks, I recognize how hard it is not to open my phone and see who has responded or liked a tweet or mine, or who has commented on an Instagram post. Those likes, comments, etc. give us a rush of dopamine, and our brain becomes addicted to it. 

This has had a huge impact on my writing, and I want it to stop.

But how? Quit social media altogether? That's not sustainable. For one, I enjoy social media - I've met so many wonderful people through it, and I would miss my friends. Two, the writing community is very active on social media and I don't want to lose that. 

I've toyed with the idea of not checking social media after a certain time of the day. Since I write in the evenings, this is probably the best strategy. Of course, the fly in the ointment of this plan is my health. When I feel awful (like I did all day today), I need to distract myself. Social media offers a community of chronic illness warriors like me, and I on flare days, reading their posts and memes help me feel better. 

Twitter has become less appealing to me ever since that "guy" bought it, and I have not enjoyed the uptick in white supremacist, racist, and Holocaust-denying accounts. I noticed I'm not on Twitter as much, but again, on the days when I don't feel good, I'll scroll through it mindlessly. When I'm feeling rotten, I try and show myself grace and not be too harsh on myself - because that will only make me feel worse.

The solution? For my writing sessions, I need to start disciplining myself. Close tabs. Turn off the TV (sometimes I'll write with a classic movie playing in the background, but I'm finding I do not do my best work when this happens). Do the writing ritual I started a few weeks ago (lighting the candle). I'm doing myself a disservice by being so distracted when I write, and not writing to my potential.

 And during non-writing times, I want to stop jumping on social media for no reason. There are too many books to read and puzzles to do. 

In so doing, I hope I can start re-wiring my brain. 

I've done this before and then lapsed into old habits (social media addiction is a very real thing!), so maybe this time I can get it to stick? Wish me luck!

Insert Witty Title Here

The words aren't coming tonight.

They feel stilted, jumbled, nonsensical. Like a clogged pipe, only a few words are managing to swim through the gunk. I figured writing a blog post might push the clog out, release the flow. Even that is proving tortuous. 

It could be because I woke up with a massive flare today. I did nothing yesterday to cause it. I suspect the morning thunderstorm and the terrible humidity we experienced is the root cause, but then again, who knows? 

I keep finding wonderful autumn pictures and quotes on Pinterest. I cannot wait for autumn. It truly is my favorite season and just thinking about those cool, fall days brings me immense joy. I love how the trees turn colors, from golden yellow to russet red and fiery orange. So much beauty. I never used to be a big Halloween gal, but I've changed in the last few years, and now it's one of my favorite holidays. I don't hand out candy, but prefer to spend the evening watching scary movies and eating my Boo Berry cereal. 

I found this meme on Twitter and laughed out loud because it describes me perfectly:

July is this week - where did June go? - and I'm okay with that because it means autumn looms ever closer. I don't much care for the 4th of July - the nonsteop fireworks cause my pets far too much anxiety. Last year we went out to the lake to watch the fireworks, but it was miserably hot, with too many bugs, and we definitely won't be doing that again.

As I write this post, I see what's happening. I am worried about every single word I put on the page. My inner editor is working overtime, not allowing me to write in flow. There's a great book about that topic - I need to re-read it - called Writing In Flow: Keys to Enhanced Creativity by Susan Perry. It's not often I can enter flow and be so immersed in my story that I lose track of time. Instead, it's this herky-jerky writing more often than not. Why, I wonder? Is it due to my cognitive issues from my chronic illnesses? Or has my attention span been damaged from social media? Whatever the cause, I really would like to be able to jump into my story and just lose myself for hours writing. 

I suspect, however, that tonight's writing session has been hard because I'm coming up on the climax and I still haven't quite figured out how I'm going to write it. So I'm dithering. 

And honestly, I know if I just buckle down, concentrate, and exercise some self-discipline, I can finish this novel within the next few weeks. 

 

Summer Blues

 It happens every single year.

The summer months hit and so does my depression. It starts off slowly, just a few miserable days here and there, and then it truly sets in, like a viral infection invading my cells. 

I'm convinced I have the opposite of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - which most people grapple with during the autumn and winter months due to lack of sunlight. Not me. Too much sunlight and heat drive me to the edge. I joke around and call it the "demon sun" but there is a hint of truth to my statement. In a way it feels like a demon intruding upon every part of my life, cruel and unforgiving. I stay inside most of the time, though when it cools off in the evening, I try and sit on my patio and watch my wildlife. But the truly awful days, the one where the moment you step outside you feel like you've stepped into an oven, are coming. Those are the days I struggle with the most.

Today I've struggled with depression all day. I have periodic moments of happiness. Tonight my little family all watched the fun Disney movie The Incredibles, a movie I've seen countless times, but I still enjoy it. I worked on a jigsaw puzzle, my dog snuggled between my daughter and my boyfriend, and all was well with the world.

And then abruptly, my mood changed, and I plunged into deep despair. My thoughts turned dark. "You're so fat," my inner critic said. "Why don't you just stop eating? Your boyfriend probably looks at your thighs and thinks, 'Eww, gross.'" Why do we talk to ourselves like this? I would never, ever tell my friends such terrible things! When we are at our lowest, these kinds of thoughts attack and try to derail us. 

I am so, so tired of going through this miserable depression every single summer. But I'm working on a solution.

If I can be somewhere cooler during the summer, somewhere exciting and energizing, maybe the depression wouldn't attack. I've thought of Maine here in the U.S., and Ireland or somewhere in the U.K. It all boils down to money, of course, but I need to do something if at all possible. Since I work remotely now, I could easily go somewhere else for three months (and I already have my boss's approval to do this). The problem, however, is how to make it all work so my daughter and my boyfriend can come with me. 

Why does Ireland or the U.K. appeal to me? Not only would it be cooler temperatures, but oh, how much fun I'd have exploring! I've always wanted to live overseas, and I'm at a point in my life where I need to start taking these dreams seriously. I figure a nice test would be living three or four months overseas and see if I like it. If I do, then I can pursue something long term. If I don't? Well, then. I've tried at least, right?

For next summer, however, I might look at going to Maine. I could go and explore New England, something I've always wanted to do. Money is an issue, however, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my next novel sells. I know I won't be quitting the day job, but if I can make enough money to fund my summer living situation through my writing, that would be a dream come true.

In the meantime, I'm using the tools in my toolbox. Watching classic movies, doing jigsaw puzzles, finding inspirational quotes or posts on Instagram and Pinterest, journaling, reading, watching my backyard birds, taking photos,
and talking to friends. Walking outside on the trails or jumping on my treadmill would normally also be in that toolbox, but ever since I had Covid in March, I'm really struggling to find the energy to do either. That is also contributing to my depression. Sigh.

BUT. I don't give up. I want to give up sometimes, but I won't. Since July is nearly here, that means only three months before my trip to Scotland. That is definitely something to look forward to!

One Lifetime Isn't Enough...

The problem with having so many interests - jigsaw puzzles, bird watching, amateur photography, history, reading, writing, antiquing, creating mixed media projects, watching and discussing classic movies, traveling  - is that I want to do ALL THE THINGS and I want to be GOOD at all the things, but I only have so much brain capacity and time. This has become especially challenging with MECFS since cognitive difficulties are one of the bugaboos I deal with.

I choose to focus the bulk of my attention on my writing. I like to attend writing conferences (online), read blog posts and craft books, network with other writers on Twitter and Instagram, and of course, write. I would love to listen to more writing podcasts, but I don't feel like I have the attention span or the time to do that. Though now that I think of it, working on a jigsaw puzzle while listening to a writing podcast might be just the ticket!

Birding is my latest obsession. I bought a field guide to birds in the Midwest, have downloaded an app which detects birds by their calls, and am always watching my birdfeeders in the backyard for new species. I'm more of a backyard birder since my illness keeps me at home so much, so I usually sit in the backyard every night and take photos. Here's a few from tonight. I love these woodpeckers!

I'm definitely an amateur with my photography. I usually leave my settings on auto and don't mess with shutter speed or ISO or aperture. I really should take a beginning photography class - it might help me a lot! But then again, that takes time, and I don't need to be a professional by any stretch.

With all of these different interests swirling around in my brain, it becomes harder and harder to focus on just one thing. I've implemented a new writing routine, though, that has helped. I light a candle at the beginning of the writing session, and when I've finished, I blow it out. This tells my brain that it's time to get to work, to focus. 

Still, I feel like time is running out. Is it because I just turned 48 last week? Perhaps. But there are so many books I want to read and write, so many places I want to travel to (at least I'm going to Scotland in October!), so many jigsaw puzzles to put together, podcasts to listen to, photos to take! I need several lifetimes to accomplish all that I want to do. Honestly, being immortal wouldn't be such a bad gig. I'd have lots to do! 

Honestly, though, I'm very fortunate to have so many hobbies. It makes my life well-rounded, fun, rich, and exciting. If only my health would cooperate, I'd be able to do so much more.

The weird thing? I become so overwhelmed with all the things I want to do that I end up doing not many of them at all. I spend too much time on social media! Why? I don't understand my brain. I just don't. 

I need to start living more intentionally. Twitter has become a dumpster fire of white supremacists, Holocaust deniers, MAGA bigots, and so much more. I find myself on there less and less. Still, I have a wonderful community of friends on the app, so I haven't deleted it yet. But that day might be coming.

If you have a lot of interests, how do you juggle them all? I'd love some suggestions!

Nearing the End

 I hit the 80k point on my novel last night. Since I like to shoot for around 95k to 100k on my manuscripts, this means I'm nearing the end. There's a lot to wrap up - the climax alone will be challenging to write - and suddenly, I feel like I'm trying to drag the words out of quicksand. 

This usually happens during each novel, but I'm not quite sure I understand why. It is because this novel will nearly be over and I'll no longer be spending time with these characters? No, because I have a sequel to this story and I'm super excited to write it. You'd think that would propel me to hurry up and finish!

Maybe it's because the upcoming scenes will require quite a bit of emotional effort. Am I ready for that? I'm not sure. 

I thought I'd come over to my blog and do some freewriting, but it appears everything I write is being filtered through my this must be perfect lens. I hate this particular "mode." Every word sounds stilted and bland, and I can't seem to shake through it. This could mean I need to just take a break. I try to work on my novel every night - even if it means reading through the previous scene and making a few edits - so that I can stay "in touch" with the work.

But a few days rest might do the trick. I might give that a shot.

In other news, I still don't feel as though I've recovered from my bout with Covid. I don't have the energy or stamina of before - even though those were limited anyway with my ME/CFS - but I can't seem to get back to my exercise routine.

Summer exacerbates my depression, which doesn't help matters. I despise the heat and spend most of my time indoors. Temperatures are in the 90s every day this week. ARGH.

I keep forgetting my trip to Scotland in October. I have a dream of living in the Scottish Highlands every summer to avoid the Nebraska heat. Maybe some day it will come true!