Summer Blues

 It happens every single year.

The summer months hit and so does my depression. It starts off slowly, just a few miserable days here and there, and then it truly sets in, like a viral infection invading my cells. 

I'm convinced I have the opposite of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - which most people grapple with during the autumn and winter months due to lack of sunlight. Not me. Too much sunlight and heat drive me to the edge. I joke around and call it the "demon sun" but there is a hint of truth to my statement. In a way it feels like a demon intruding upon every part of my life, cruel and unforgiving. I stay inside most of the time, though when it cools off in the evening, I try and sit on my patio and watch my wildlife. But the truly awful days, the one where the moment you step outside you feel like you've stepped into an oven, are coming. Those are the days I struggle with the most.

Today I've struggled with depression all day. I have periodic moments of happiness. Tonight my little family all watched the fun Disney movie The Incredibles, a movie I've seen countless times, but I still enjoy it. I worked on a jigsaw puzzle, my dog snuggled between my daughter and my boyfriend, and all was well with the world.

And then abruptly, my mood changed, and I plunged into deep despair. My thoughts turned dark. "You're so fat," my inner critic said. "Why don't you just stop eating? Your boyfriend probably looks at your thighs and thinks, 'Eww, gross.'" Why do we talk to ourselves like this? I would never, ever tell my friends such terrible things! When we are at our lowest, these kinds of thoughts attack and try to derail us. 

I am so, so tired of going through this miserable depression every single summer. But I'm working on a solution.

If I can be somewhere cooler during the summer, somewhere exciting and energizing, maybe the depression wouldn't attack. I've thought of Maine here in the U.S., and Ireland or somewhere in the U.K. It all boils down to money, of course, but I need to do something if at all possible. Since I work remotely now, I could easily go somewhere else for three months (and I already have my boss's approval to do this). The problem, however, is how to make it all work so my daughter and my boyfriend can come with me. 

Why does Ireland or the U.K. appeal to me? Not only would it be cooler temperatures, but oh, how much fun I'd have exploring! I've always wanted to live overseas, and I'm at a point in my life where I need to start taking these dreams seriously. I figure a nice test would be living three or four months overseas and see if I like it. If I do, then I can pursue something long term. If I don't? Well, then. I've tried at least, right?

For next summer, however, I might look at going to Maine. I could go and explore New England, something I've always wanted to do. Money is an issue, however, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my next novel sells. I know I won't be quitting the day job, but if I can make enough money to fund my summer living situation through my writing, that would be a dream come true.

In the meantime, I'm using the tools in my toolbox. Watching classic movies, doing jigsaw puzzles, finding inspirational quotes or posts on Instagram and Pinterest, journaling, reading, watching my backyard birds, taking photos,
and talking to friends. Walking outside on the trails or jumping on my treadmill would normally also be in that toolbox, but ever since I had Covid in March, I'm really struggling to find the energy to do either. That is also contributing to my depression. Sigh.

BUT. I don't give up. I want to give up sometimes, but I won't. Since July is nearly here, that means only three months before my trip to Scotland. That is definitely something to look forward to!