Thursday, October 09, 2014

Finding Me


Finally.

I'm back to work.

The physical therapy is helping.

And no more prescription pain meds are necessary.

I won't go into the sordid details of how I quit those pain meds cold turkey and suffered horrendous withdrawals because honestly, I lived through it and I'm still trying to process it. I learned a lot about myself during the whole thing, and I realized that sometimes when you think you're in control, you're really not.

Anyway.

I'm slowly, slowly getting back to my old routine. I'm not at 100% yet, but I'd say I'm at about 80% and that is far and above where I was two weeks ago.

It's been rather odd, like the last two months were a nightmare, like who I was then wasn't really me.

Now it's time to find that person again.

Time to find my joy of writing, my love of studying World War II, my delight in autumn's cooler temps and gorgeous colors, my zest for reading and finding new authors, my devotion to living a full life and enjoying and embracing all that it has to offer.

All of it got lost in the shuffle. My brain is still recovering and trying to put the pieces of the last 2 1/2 months back together.

When you've lost yourself for awhile, the process of rediscovery can be a bit painful. Mistakes made must be confronted. Lessons must be learned, no matter how hard. All of it is necessary to emerge a better, healthier person on the other side.

But it is also a slow process. I don't have any grand plans to finish my novel within the next week, or to start exercising again beyond taking my walks, or the determination to lose the weight I gained while being sick. There's no energy or motivation for that yet. What I am doing is taking it one day at a time.

After all, that's how we became who we are, right? One day at a time. And thus, I will rediscover who I am, one day at a time.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I Got Ya A Dollar...

Have you watched the commercial where the gal wants a purse using money her insurance has saved her and she shouts, "Insurance, come find me money!" and this old guy in fishing gear appears, dangling a dollar in front of her? "I got you a dollar," he says. She tries to grab it and he yanks it away from her and says, "Oops! You gotta be quicker than that!"

That's how I feel with my health right about now.

I shout, "Give me health! I need to get back to work!"

And for a moment, a glimmer of hope appears, just like that dollar. I'll feel better for a few hours and think, okay, it's getting better. Maybe I can go to work tomorrow.

I'll reach for that hope. Then, just like the old insurance agent, that hope is cruelly snatched away a few hours later when the pain pills wear off, or when I wake up the next morning cringing in pain.

It's getting old.

I can't believe it's been two months since I had surgery and since all of this started. I'm now going to physical therapy three times a week and I won't lie - it hurts. We are trying to break down the scar tissue and adhesions in my abdomen from past surgeries. But getting to that point is very painful.

Nevertheless, I know hope will continue to be there, dangling, and I will continue to reach for it. It might decide to keep out of my grasp for awhile, but one of these days I'm going to catch it and darn it, be well enough to get back to some kind of a normal life.

I will continue to believe. I can do no less.

Monday, September 15, 2014

In the Mood? Nope.

Now before you think the title of this post refers to something naughty, let me assure you that it doesn't. Would I do that to you? :-)

No, I'm talking about being in the mood to write - and how I'm not. At all.

It's rather bizarre how I will be a writing machine for a few weeks, excited about my project, immersing myself in the world of literature and the craft of writing, connecting with other writers, and having a grand ol' time. But the past few days have shown a decided lack of enthusiasm for much of anything to do with the English language.

It's disheartening to feel this way, especially since I'm so close to finishing my edits of the novel. I've already got a query letter drafted and ready to send to agents. But I have to get the novel done first.

So what's a gal to do when she needs to write but can't?

Write anyway.

Now I'm not saying I've been a writing machine lately because I haven't. But I've managed to write a few sentences here and there and still stay connected to the story. After an epiphany on a certain aspect of the novel, I wrote a nice chunk tonight. Good, yes, but still not where I want to be.

However, I've been writing long enough to realize that this is just a phase I need to get through. The creative well may very well be dry and I need to refill it. My weekend was full of family time and tonight I took a walk with my daughter to enjoy the changing weather. Autumn is pretty much upon us even though it won't be officially here until next week. I have faith the urge to dive into the novel will return shortly.

Sometimes, forcing yourself to write is the correct move. Other times it's not. It depends on the situation and the writer. Everyone is different.

What about you? When you are not in the mood to write, do you do it anyway? Or do you take a few days off to refill your creative well?

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Invisible Illness Awareness Week

It's Invisible Illness Awareness Week!

I suffer from a host of illnesses that can be classified as "invisible" - i.e. when you look at me, you can't tell I'm sick.

The biggest of these is rheumatoid arthritis. In fact, as I type this, I'm so exhausted I want to nap and my feet and hands are aching really bad. I don't know if the recent medical stuff or the change in weather (we're in the 80s today - supposed to be in the 60s tomorrow) is causing me to feel so rotten or what. BUT! I'm still smiling. I'm working from home, it's raining and cloudy outside, my kitties are close by, and I've got my chocolate.

And because I'm smiling, here's a cartoon of what I look like most mornings...except I have to get out of bed and keep going. That's what life is all about - we gotta keep going!


Monday, September 08, 2014

When I Couldn't Get It Right

When I was in high school and college, I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not gain an ounce. I didn't exercise (frankly, I hated physical activity) and my food choices were usually nowhere near healthy. Pot pies. Chocolate cake. Corn dogs. Cookies. Cinnamon rolls. The concept of eating a balanced meal with vegetables, protein, carbs, dairy, and fruit was usually in the back of my mind, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. After all, I was young and healthy and heck, if I could get away with eating whatever I wanted, why worry about it?

We can be so dumb when we're young, can't we? I sure was.

Here's the thing: when I could eat anything I wanted and stay a slim size 7, I got used to all my clothes fitting just fine. I didn't know what it was like to struggle with my weight.

Of course, I'd already had image issues from wearing braces and glasses in junior high and being called ugly by a boy I liked (why does that still sting 22 years later?), so when I did start to gain weight, I didn't handle it well.

Those weight issues began shortly after I graduated from college. I put on about 10 pounds or so, and when I went back to attend college graduation for some of my friends a year later, one of my guy pals said, "You've put on a little weight. You look good. You were too skinny before." Well, that comment didn't bother me too much. The trouble was, I was still eating the same and not getting in any exercise.

Fast forward a few years to marriage and pregnancy. I didn't gain all that much weight while I was pregnant, and a month after I'd had my daughter, I was able to fit into my old clothes again. Not bad at all.

And then a botched birth control shot sent my health into decline. I put on 50 pounds in a year. My thyroid started failing. And then I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Over the next ten years, my weight see-sawed. I learned to exercise - I loved going for walks and going to Curves - but I still didn't know how to eat properly. My female health problems became incredibly difficult to handle, culminating in a hysterectomy in 2012. After the surgery and more weight gain, plus a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, I finally went to see a nutritionist to learn how to eat so I could lose weight.

Now part of this battle to lose weight was related to my health. I had high cholesterol and my triglyceride levels were through the roof. I also was pre-diabetic. So I knew I had to make some changes.

And while I would like to tell you that those issues were my underlying reasons for losing weight, they weren't. Yes, they were a part of it. But the real reason I wanted to lose weight was this: if I stayed overweight, I wouldn't be enough. I wouldn't be beautiful enough, smart enough, desirable enough. If only I could be a size 7 again then I would be enough.

I'm not the first person to say these words. I certainly won't be the last.

Here's the thing, though: when I lost 30 pounds last year and kept it off, I did feel like I was enough. My self-esteem soared. I felt pretty and accomplished and proud. I felt desirable. I felt like I did when I was in high school and college. And yes, I should be proud of myself for learning to eat right and exercise. I worked hard to lose that weight despite my health struggles.

But I still had a problem.

You see, I was very aware of every single bite I put into my mouth. I was always anticipating the next time I could eat. I never, ever missed a meal or a snack. I would allow myself one dessert a week and only 3 pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate a day. But if I over-indulged, the guilt would be terrible. I would cut back on my next meal to make up for my faux pas.

Then I got hit with mono in September of 2013. My appetite plunged and I ate what sounded good - mostly chocolate. It took me awhile to recover, and in the process, I gained about five pounds. No problem, I thought. I'll be able to lose it easily. But then the holidays came and I threw caution to the wind and ate whatever I wanted to. Those five pounds stayed. And so did the guilt.

And I started to get really tired of worrying all the time about what I put in my mouth. So I would indulge in hubby's chips or have more than three pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate or, gasp! even more than one dessert a week. I'd stop the descent into madness every few weeks and get back on a healthy eating schedule, but you know something? Not a day went by that I didn't step on the scale. I was still exercising and still trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but my control was slipping. And the waistband on my pants was tightening.

I would veer between panic that I was gaining weight and apathy over how much and what kind of food I put into my mouth. Up and down the scale went. I'd ride my bike with my daughter, then tell myself I could have another piece of Dove chocolate. I'd reassert control over myself and eat great for a week or two, then revert back to two days of endless snacking. On and on it went.

And then June 2014 hit. Pain began in my lower left abdomen and it kept me from exercising. We determined a cyst on my remaining ovary was causing the problem, so I decided to have it taken out - putting me into instant menopause. What do you think of when you hear the word "menopause"? For me, it was "weight gain."

Before the surgery, I joked with my husband that maybe I should starve myself for a week and lose 10 pounds so that when the surgery was over, I could comfortably gain 10 pounds again. He wasn't pleased by the idea.

To make a (very) long story short, the pain wasn't caused by my ovary, but (they think) an entrapped nerve. I've put on another five pounds in the past six weeks and the pants are tighter. I can't exercise as it hurts too much, I'm on pain medication, and I do not care about how much chocolate I eat. My rheumatoid arthritis has been flaring something awful lately and I just feel pretty darn yucky. I wear t-shirts and shorts most of the time.

And once again, because I have gained weight, my self-esteem has plummeted. I look at women skinnier than me and feel jealous. I see women who have perfectly toned bodies running and exercising and I scrunch my nose in annoyance. Why can't that be me? I think.

Then the guilt starts.

If only you would control your eating habits...

If only you weren't such a wuss and could exercise through the pain...

If only you could just eat healthy all the time...

If only you would just drink water when you're feeling hungry instead of reaching for food...

And it all comes down to this:

What's wrong with you? Why can't you get it right? 

And it doesn't matter that I have about five different health problems that make keeping a steady weight incredibly hard, and it doesn't matter that I've been scarcely able to move for the past six weeks, and it doesn't matter that my appetite has been completely off and I eat only what sounds good to me, and it doesn't matter that the various medications I'm on can cause me to gain weight, and it doesn't matter that I'm in menopause and my body is going to do all sorts of wacky things.

The only thing that matters, in my head, is that I am failing. I am failing at controlling my eating. I am failing at controlling the pain. I am failing at being strong and fighting back against all of these medical issues and overcoming them. I am failing at pushing through and exercising.

And once again, I am not enough. I am not strong enough to stop eating chocolate. I am not strong enough to push through the pain and exercise. I am not disciplined enough to make a balanced meal even when the pain meds make my stomach nauseous.

I want to make the guilt go away. I want to be able to eat without worrying about every single thing that will go into my mouth. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love what I see no matter what the scale says. I want to be able to accept that I have limitations because of my health. I want to tell myself, You are enough just the way you are.

I know that God loves me just the way I am.  Yet believing it myself is so much harder.

And for now, I don't have a solution to this self-image, weight gain problem. I just don't want to care about it anymore. I've spent so much mental energy worrying that I could have plotted five novels with that brain power!. And of course, our culture doesn't help matters any when everywhere you turn there's another "lose weight quick" diet or someone telling you that if you want to lose weight and cure your rheumatoid arthritis, well, eat this way because it worked for them! Don't get me started on society's obsession with thin people and how you can "have it all" if you're skinny. (I know there are a lot of thin people who have body image problems, too).

It's not that easy. So, what am I doing?

Taking it one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

By now (if you're still reading), you're probably wondering:

Why am I opening up such deep emotions and letting you in?

Because it's what I do. I'm a writer. And for me, writing is the way I figure out who I am and how I make sense of the world. It's how I realize what I'm feeling and what it is I'm facing, and most importantly, it's how I find the solution to make it better.   

But also, I share this with you because I want you to know you're not alone.

I can't tell you how many times I've read a blog entry where someone was sharing their struggles and I nodded along as I read, thinking, "I know exactly how he/she feels." There is such comfort in knowing you are not alone, isn't there?

If my words can help you feel less alone, offer you comfort or commiseration, then I am incredibly glad. I don't want pity or sympathy. Why? Because every single one of us struggles with something. None of us are untouched. We all have our issues.

I choose to share mine in the hopes my words might help.

Here's to keepin' on.





Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Sleeping Beauty

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, but one member of my household rarely has any trouble with that. His name is Slick and he is the orneriest, most stubborn, frustrating cat I've ever had. He's also incredibly cute, puts up with my cuddling, and has the softest fur ever. He also manages to look completely adorable when he sleeps. I present Exhibit A.

Now if only I could fall asleep as fast as Slick. But I'm afraid if I slept in this position, I wouldn't be able to move for a week!

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The View from the Office, i. e. The Bed

When you have a prolonged illness, you tend to think that your current situation is the new normal.

I have a lovely office. Here' s a few pictures of it:




Sadly, because of my mystery ailment, combined with my rheumatoid arthritis, I have a new office: i.e. my bed. And here is the view from it on most days (though the cat pictured may vary as I have three of the little darlings):



I don't like this. My office is a room of creativity and inspiration, and it makes me feel motivated whenever I work in it. But when you're taking painkillers, stairs aren't necessarily a good thing and when you're in pain, stairs aren't necessarily a good thing, either. Also, my office is in the attic and during the summer, it gets rather hot. That's the last thing I need as I continue to be battle hot flashes from menopause.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever return to my version of normal again. Granted, I'm not a healthy person and haven't been for some time. But at least I could work. I could exercise. There were days I could do neither, but they passed, and I would be able to continue.

It's been over a month since this whole medical journey has began. A month. I can hardly wrap my head around it. How is that possible? How can it be that with today's modern medicine, all three of the doctors I've seen have been unable to tell me what's wrong? (I go see a fourth on Wednesday). In the end, I suppose it's because the human body is still a mystery in many ways and medicine is a guessing game. Sometimes, you have definite indicators of a disease or ailment. Other times you have symptoms that don't fit what the medical community has previously observed. So, you wait. And you wait some more. And you deal with the pain the best way you know how. Unfortunately, that's meant a lot of chocolate for me, which, combined with lack of exercise and the whole hormone upheaval caused by menopause, has translated to some weight gain. That is frustrating. But chocolate is one of the ways I cope. It's one of the ways I get through the day. There will come a time when I start really watching how much of it I eat, but for now, I am not very disciplined in that area.

Amazingly enough, I have been able to keep writing during this time - and it's been glorious. I am editing my fifth novel and have enjoyed the process so much. I'm very blessed that lying in bed is conducive to writing instead of other activities, i.e. rock climbing! :D

And that's it for Sunday musings. Now I'm off to work on the novel.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Ahhh...Saturday

I'm so happy I have a three-day weekend to enjoy. True, I haven't been back to the office (still!) since July 20, but I've been working-from-home since then, so I still am in need of a vacation.

And today is the beginning of that vacation.

Plans include writing, perhaps napping (though after two naps yesterday, I'm not quite sure I want to do that again), reading, and of course, watching a bit of college football. Our beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers start their season today and that is akin to a state-wide holiday here. I'm thankful, though, that my husband has a television in his garage where he can watch the game. That will spare my ears the noise of his yelling at the t.v. Yes, he's one of those guys.

In other news, well, the health stuff is still ongoing. No word yet on what my mystery ailment is. I'm still in pain and it really stinks. But I am grateful for medicine that makes it bearable and grateful that I can still function well enough to continue to work.

Also - where did August go? I can't believe it's August 30 already! Incredible.

Not much else to report, and I know this blog post isn't heavy on news or wisdom, but rather it was an excuse to write. Though really, who needs an excuse? If you want to write, then just write. :)

Happy weekend!

Monday, August 25, 2014

That Moment...

It's time for me to start working on my novel's query letter. I'm not done editing it yet, but I'm getting close. And no, I won't send out the query until I'm completely done editing.

Queries are always difficult. You would think that after writing back cover copy for fiction and non-fiction for the 7 years that it would be easy. Unfortunately, when it comes to my own book, it's not. At all.

So imagine my delight when the first few lines for a query popped into my head this morning. Unfortunately, I was driving in traffic after taking my daughter to school. Let me rephrase that. I was driving in morning rush hour traffic. Translated, this means: you better watch what you're doing.

As I didn't want to pull over and write down those two sentences, I kept repeating them to myself over and over again on the way home. Thankfully, by the time I pulled into the driveway, I hadn't forgotten them.

It's moments like these that I love - when inspiration strikes, no matter where you are or what you might be doing. It's one of the joys of writing.

Ever had inspiration strike in an odd place?

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My Blog: A Diary of My Life

I started my blog in 2005. I faithfully posted nearly every day for a good year before I began to ease off and post only 2-3 times a week. But it became the "story of my life" to borrow the title of a popular pop song. Whenever I need to look up a date for one of my many surgeries, I turn to my blog. When I want to remember what I was doing for Christmas in 2008, I turn to my blog.

Unfortunately, since I haven't been as faithful in posting to my blog the past few years, I can no longer rely on it for certain dates. However, I do journal a lot, so there's that. But I have to admit that I really miss recording my life online.

Which is kind of odd. Some people would say I am too personal on here, sharing things that should only be talked about behind closed doors. I happen to disagree. In addition to my writing life, I've blogged about my health issues (several times!), my struggles with depression, my challenges as a mother, and so on. All important.

That's one thing the Internet has been wonderful for: opening up the door to issues that have long remained locked away. I can reach out to others who are struggling with the same things I am; likewise, they can find me and see that they are not alone.

So I'll keep blogging. I'll keep sharing. Sure, the posts may be few and far in between, and sure, I may look back someday and lament that I didn't post as much during certain years, but that's life. We go in cycles with certain things. Blogging is one of those things for me.

And now, it's time to get back to that novel...

Oh - before I go, here is a pic of me in my 1940s-esque finery. I had a book signing over the weekend, and I wanted to look the part as much as possible.