Finding My Independence

Last night, I decided to read through the travel journal I kept when I went to England last October. I made the conscious decision to travel by myself on this journey for a few reasons. One, I had a lot of turmoil going on in my personal life and I needed to get away and think. Two, I wanted to have no agenda but my own, and three, I wanted to see if I could do it.

You see, since my marriage in 1999, I had felt that my sense of adventure and my independent spirit had not disappeared, but had definitely retreated. Raising a daughter and two stepsons, and dealing with the "bad" things in my marriage had been difficult. I found my self-esteem starting to drop and I developed a rather craven attitude (to me) of wanting to stay in the house all the time, not meet new people, not do new things. In short, I wanted to be "safe." I could control the world in my house - to an extent. (Or so I thought. I realize now that I wasn't controlling it at all - it was controlling me). I couldn't control the outside world. So I stayed in the safe zone.

After almost ten years of that, my soul craved adventure. It begged me to go somewhere, anywhere, and to see if I could recapture that spirit I held when I was in college, when I piled into a van of college students (that I barely knew) and drove all the way from Chadron, Nebraska, to New Orleans; when I went to England in 1995 with another group of college students and had the absolute time of my life - no panic attacks, no wondering if I could be a worldwide traveler, but just knowing that I could do it.

My journal entries reveal something rather fascinating. At first, I can see my hesitation, my insecurity, my wondering, "Can I do this? Do I still have it in me?" Slowly, the renewal begins to shine through the words. As I navigated the public transportation system in England (which I had no experience with last time I was there as we had a chartered bus take us everywhere) and figured how to get myself around, as I went and saw the things I wanted to see and got myself back home again, as I chatted with the locals, as I tried new foods, my spirit of adventure came to life again.

And so did my independence.

That trip changed me, in more ways than one. It made me realize that I am a woman quite capable of taking care of herself in a foreign country (even when I got food poisoning!), quite capable of figuring things out on my own, and quite capable of taking charge of my own life. It made me more confident, stronger, and gave me more courage.

In fact, here's a line from my blog while I was blogging from England: If you've got the wherewithal to do it, I highly suggest traveling on your own. It will make you dig deep inside yourself for strength and courage that you didn't know you had. You'll go through a myriad of emotions: fear that you're doing this by yourself, panic that you might not figure things out, giddiness when you do figure things out, and pride that you did it.

This trip also gave me the courage and strength to make some tough decisions in my personal life. I'd decided upon a divorce before I left, but this trip gave me the time to really think things through and I realized that I had lost myself in my marriage. Because of my husband's alcoholism and so, so many other things (and believe me, I know I wasn't perfect, either. I became the ultimate co-dependent), I had lost that woman I had been in college and right after college.

But she's back.

England was the turning point I needed to find myself again, to do what was right for me and my daughter, to discover who I am in this crazy world. It's changed who I am today, as a mother, as a daughter, a sister, a coworker and friend - and as a writer. My independent nature is an integral part of me. It was buried for awhile, but now that it's reemerged, it has made me a stronger, more mature, and much more confident woman.

Let freedom ring!

Fireworks, Food, and Fun

Where to begin? It was a glorious weekend full of lots of laughter, yummy food, and good times. And it all started with the drive home.

As you can see below, we took my kitty, Katie, with us to her new home at my mom's farm. Now Miss Katie is used to coming and going as she pleases and she did not relish the idea of being in a cat carrier for five hours. Let's just say that ride was pretty darn eventful and that my car now has cat hair in it. We eventually had to let her out of the carrier because she wouldn't quit meowing. So I held her. And then she'd climb into the back window or sit on my leg and look out the passenger window. We were all relieved when we finally got home and Miss Katie could explore the farm.



My mom remarried this year and she now lives on a gorgeous farm with her husband in western Nebraska. We enjoyed playing badminton and volleyball on her front lawn and my daughter absolutely loved the swing and playing with my mom's two baby kitties. This is the view from my mom's front porch. Beautiful, isn't it?

Here's my brother getting ready to smack the birdie - I thought this was a pretty cool photo.

And you have to have a farm dog! This is Shaggy.



On Saturday, it was softball, softball, softball. My brothers were in a softball tournament and we spent most of the day shuttling between my grandmother's house (which is literally right across the street from the softball diamond) and the fields. My brothers both played baseball when they were younger - my younger brother even played college baseball, so I'm quite used to hanging out at the ball diamonds. It was great to watch them again. (And I forgot my camera, but my dad took a ton of photos, so hopefully I can just get some of those).

And oh, the food! Wow. I think I'm still full!

We hit the rodeo Saturday night. Here's my nephew hamming it up with his friend.

I know the top of this photo got cut off, but it'll give you a taste of the bucking broncos! I'm really not a rodeo fan, but it was fun to watch - except the bull riders. Sheesh! I was on pins and needles the whole time!

Of course, you can't have the 4th of July without some fireworks! The local volunteer fire department put on a great show. My camera isn't the best at capturing action shots, but here's a few cool photos.

It was so wonderful to be with my family again. I desperately needed to be around them after everything I've gone through the past few months. Since I had a pretty lonely birthday this year, my mom got me a birthday cake and we celebrated my birthday on Friday. Just about made me cry! I dearly love them all.

Returning to the city after a trip back home is always bittersweet. I need the sweet, peaceful country air to rejuvenate my body and soul, but I thrive on the energy of the city. I guess I have the best of both worlds! My brother and his family live on the farm (he's the 4th generation to farm it), my dad lives out in the country just a few miles from him, and my mom lives on a farm with her husband. I have three places to get my bit of country! And really, it's a bit of heaven when I go home. I feel like it centers me. Though I probably couldn't live there again, I absolutely love going home and visiting.

Family comes first with me. And I am fortunate to have a wonderful, loving, and supportive family. God truly has blessed me!

Whew! What a Weekend...

Had a great weekend with my family. Wow. Wish I could have stayed a couple more days. I'm pretty tired, though, as we didn't get back until 4:30 a.m. Yes, we left extremely late and it's a 5 hour drive, so we drove straight through the night. Not fun, but at least I got to take the morning off of work and sleep in.

Will fill you in on the details after I'm more coherent.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Happy 4th of July!

It's time to celebrate this great country's independence. I'll be with my family for the next few days - a much-needed vacation.

Have a great and safe holiday weekend!

Motivation, Balance, and Discipline

For the last five years, "writer" has been a part of my day-job title. I feel fortunate to be working in a field that I enjoy and my writing has only improved because of it. I've seen tremendous growth in my fiction writing, as well, and in more ways than one. Not only has the writing itself improved, but so has the discipline.

While a paycheck is probably the most powerful motivation to get a project done at the day-job and with freelance work, you don't quite have that same motivation when you're an unpublished writer.

So how do you do it?

For me, it's come down to one thing. I have to want it bad enough. I have to want to succeed, whatever my definition of success may be. And my definition is to be a published author. That means I balance my time. I don't spend hours watching mindless t.v. (I don't have cable anyway). I don't spent gobs of time on the internet when I'm at home. I don't spend hours reading a book (this hurts sometimes, especially if it's a good book!).

During the weekdays, my time is pretty regimented. There's the day job from 8-5, then I go work out three times a week, pick my daughter up from daycare, make supper, and then I have approximately 3 1/2 hours before bedtime. I have to devote at least an hour or two to the writing - and right now, I'm in research/plotting mode for the next novel, so that could include reading a research book, tapping notes on the computer, or doing online research. When it comes time to write, I often will make my schedule accomodate a good two hours of writing time during the weekdays.

Do I stick to this rigid schedule? Not always. I allow myself plenty of flexibility. When you're a mother, you have to. And my daughter is my most important priority. If she wants to play a game of UNO, then by golly, that's what we'll do. If we decide to enjoy the unexpectedly cool summer evening with a walk over to the duck pond, we'll do that, too. A shopping trip to the mall on a Friday night complete with a yummy homemade cookie from the Cookie Company? We're there!

Stay balanced. Keep your discipline. Allow yourself off days. And don't beat yourself up when you get off track. That's not good for the motivation! Just shrug your shoulders, say, "Life happens" and get back to your schedule tomorrow. Or, completely throw my advice out the window and do it whatever way works for you. If you want it bad enough, you'll figure out a way to make it work - your way.

Just Like Old Friends

Over the weekend, I finally pulled a box of books out of storage and unpacked them. This particular box had been in storage for a good two years. I actually forgot which books I'd put in this box and so it was a bit like Christmas when I opened it up. Why? Because these were some of the first books I ever bought. And that makes them special.

As I took out each book, I was assaulted with memories - where I was when I read it, the characters, the emotions, etc. Waves of nostalgia washed over me and by the time I finished putting them all on my shelf, I felt like my apartment was finally my home. I just needed to add those books, ones that had been with me for 20 years, to complete things.

To me, those books represent old friends. Just looking at them makes me feel better about life. Sappy, but true.

Do you have those special books that have traveled with you throughout the years, from college to your first home and beyond?

Why Blogging Rocks

I just got back from meeting Janna from the Something She Wrote blog. Although Janna has taken a blogging hiatus to focus on her writing, I still keep up with her on Facebook. When we discovered how close we lived to each other (within 3 hours) and that her grandmother lived only an hour away from me, we knew we'd have to get together at some point! This weekend we finally got to meet "in person."

What fun! We ate lunch at a small mom and pop cafe and sat and talked writing and life. Janna has a quiet, charming personality and she is such a caring, genuine person. I really enjoyed our time together. Talking to her was like talking to a friend I'd known for years!

Without blogging, I never would have met her. And since I've also met Diane and Shirley when I was in England last October, that's two more people I've been able to meet via blogging.

Even though the Internet can sometimes be intensly impersonal, it can also open doors to new friendships. I feel so blessed to have met Janna, Diane, and Shirley in person, and I look forward to meeting more of you!