Gene Tierney was a beautiful and very talented actress in the 1940s and early 1950s. She was best known for her roles in the noir thriller Laura and the romantic The Ghost and Mrs. Muhr. But what many people may not know is the mental illness she struggled with for most of her life.
I once read her autobiography and I was simply in awe of the courage she had to keep going on in life when mental illness wasn't understood very well. She endured electroshock therapy and countless other barbaric "treatments" because the medical field just hadn't come very far in treating mental diseases. Yet Gene publicly spoke about her mental illness in an age where it was still kept hush-hush. That took guts. And I admire her all the more for it.
Along with her other mental illnesses, Gene also suffered from depression. I have blogged before about the link between creativity and depression and shared my own experiences with depression, and I feel the need to return to it for today's post. Why? Because my world is starting to have shades of gray in it again.
Yes, I can feel myself creeping closer and closer to the abyss of dark days and dark thoughts, of crying for no reason, of seeing nothing but gray, gray, gray in the world instead of light and joy and laughter. I don't know why it's happening, especially after I had such a few great days this weekend. I have an inkling that it might be linked to too much "alone time" since my daughter was at her dad's house for five days and I have had the place to myself. I relished those few first days. But yesterday and today have been very hard.
Maybe it's because I need people around me. Not all the time, of course, but if I am isolated from people too much, I do grow depressed. Maybe that's all this is. Maybe once I get back to work and get into the swing of things again, the fog will lift. Lord, I hope so. Then, too, there's always a certain bit of letdown after the holidays. That could be another reason.
Or maybe it's that bad side of creativity. I was intensely creative for a few days this week - lots of embroidery, and reading, and writing, and listening to music. But not in the last few days. I haven't wanted to do anything at all. And the gray is starting to creep back in. Does the well need replenished? I don't like to think that I work like that. After all, I just wrote about creativity begetting creativity.
I fear that this bout of depression may not have anything to do with creativity at all. Rather, it's probably everything going on in my personal life that is affecting me. Major life changes like the one I'm experiencing bring with it a great deal of grief and feelings of loneliness. So far, I think I've handled it just fine. But the last few days may be proving me wrong.
Anyway, this is a bit of a rambling post and I apologize for that, but I do know that writing is one of the best therapies I have in my battle against depression. I'll inevitably journal a lot during these times or create rambling blog posts. ;-)
I am confident that this, too, shall pass and the gray will disappear and the beautiful, joyful colors of life will be with me once again.
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