My mood is all over the place lately. Depressed one moment, sort of happy the next, then just...blah.
Is it this time of year? Is it being sick for a week with strep throat, and then a flare? Is it not being able to take my daily walks? Maybe. I haven't found much Christmas spirit, either, and I have a living room stuffed with boxes of Christmas decorations. When I look at them, I don't feel joy - only this feeling of "ugh, I have to put these up, and then take them down again." I've decided to put up the tree, but I may not do some of the other items. I put up my small Snoopy Christmas tree in my bedroom but the big tree...gah. I have to wrangle with the lights, mess with the fake branches so that they fan out and lay correctly, and I just don't wanna. There's nothing saying I have to, of course, but I know that if I don't do it, I'll regret it. I do love having a Christmas tree in my living room with all the cornucopia of ornaments: childhood ornaments given to me by my grandparents and parents, or those I made in school, my daughter's ornaments from her childhood, ornaments we've bought on our travels, my vintage ornaments, etc. But the very act of putting up the tree is hampering me. Maybe I could convince the boyfriend to do all the heavy lifting and I could just decorate it! That's a thought...
But I digress.
All my life I've struggled with depression and mood swings. I'm on antidepressants which certainly help to keep me from falling into that black pit of despair, but I do wish I could maintain a good, consistent mood. I think too much, worry too much, and then worry that I'm thinking too much and worrying too much!
Sigh.
Writing helps, which is why I'm blogging at 11:30 p.m. I feel off at the moment, and working through those emotions might be just the thing I need. I want to work on my novel tonight (I had a spectacular writing session last night!) but would like to banish these dark thoughts first.
You know what sounds really good? A frosted sugar cookie and a glass of milk. Except I do not have any frosted sugar cookies. Usually I'll make sugar cookies for Christmas, but I didn't last year because I was dealing with health issues for the entirety of December. And now I'm so worried about gaining weight that I don't want to make them...yet I know I would enjoy it.
Sometimes I don't have enough variety in my life. I read, I write, I watch classic movies, I do puzzles...but I miss baking cookies and little things like that. Of course, I don't have the energy to do a lot of that anymore. Chronic illness has robbed me of that.
I realize there's really no point to these last few posts of mine...just a lot of rambling. And that's okay. This is my space to do with as I please.
Here's hoping for energy and desire to put up the Christmas tree this week and maybe, maybe even make some cookies!
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Ask your boyfriend if he will put the tree into the stand and fluff it, and maybe you can do lights and decorations slowly together? Our big tree is about half done, but we're enjoying it anyway. After years of fighting with a stand designed by a man with too much time on his hands, I went out a bought a different one. Instead of taking a half a day to get the stand working properly, it snapped together in 2=1/2 minutes, the tree was up, and I could take my time fluffing. The lights STAYED IN THEIR COILS this year, and I wan't in tears by the end of getting the tree in the stand and the lights up. But I had to pause in the decorating to wrap and pack gifts, which went out today, and I am achy. Many reminders lately that I am aging, and have to adjust my expectations of myself. I hope you feel better soon, and can enjoy putting up the tree. We decided to take everything down over a period of days in January, too, and not stress about getting it all done at once. We want to enjoy the season, not be ruled by it.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend was an absolute dear today and put up the tree and then did the lights - he was a huge help! I got the rest of the decorating done today, too, but boy am I exhausted. I like your last sentence: "We want to enjoy the season, not be ruled by it." I need to remember this.
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