I'm a writer. And when I'm upset, I write to work through things. I journal, sometimes I'll write angst-ridden poetry, or other times I'll blog about it. Today is one of those days for blogging.
Over the past 24 hours, I have learned that there are incredibly manipulative and conniving people in the world whose sole purpose is to destroy your peace of mind, to cast doubt, to make you second-guess your gut instinct. In short, they want to make you miserable and they enjoy doing it.
I am one of those people who thinks the best of everyone. I don't want to believe that people like this exist. But they do. And without going into detail, I had to deal with one of those people yesterday (no, it was not my hubby). The ramifications of it blew me away. I cried, I yelled (and scared my kitties in the process!), and I just kept asking, why me? Why me?
I spent a lot of time on the phone sobbing to different people, I cradled a box of tissues next to me and used plenty, and I thought a few times that the nausea in my stomach might overtake me.
I got through it, with God's help and the support of my family and friends. But I think it knocked a bit more cynicism into me. I don't like to believe that there are people out there who deliberately seek to hurt you. I don't want to think that I am their target because through me, they seek to get what they want in some twisted, sick, evil fashion. It just completely shocks me. It floors me. It makes me suspicious. It makes me wary. And I don't want to be wary of people.
Times like these always remind me of the classic novel, The Lord of the Flies, where the major question is, "Is man inherently good or inherently evil?" I've always thought that man is inherently good, but is capable of evil. And that is how I see the human race. I do think that there are lots of shades of gray in this question, though, and that we are all capable of good and bad. But that's quite the philosophical discussion that I do not have the energy to get into.
Suffice to say, today I feel a bit more distrustful and a lot more cynical about human beings than I did when I woke up yesterday morning. It's knocked a bit more naivety out of me. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure.
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