Friday, March 13, 2009

Drained

I have nothing to say. I am drained. I'm a washcloth who has been wrung out, again and again. My eyes are puffy and red and I am incredibly fragile. The soon-to-be ex told me he is "seeing" someone, even though we promised each other that we wouldn't date anyone until after the divorce. I was holding him to that promise. I was holding myself to that promise. And in my eyes, dating someone else while you are still married is wrong. It's called cheating. It's disrespectful and demeaning to your mate and cheapens the years you were together.

It also teaches your children something - a whole host of somethings. Suffice to say, my daughter is grieving just as much as I am.

Why do I share this with you? Is this too personal? Perhaps it is. But I hope if I can save one person from making this mistake, I will have saved them from causing their spouse the unbearable nightmare my life was in the past two days.

Some may not agree with me. They may think if you're separated or are in the process of a divorce, you can see other people. That's fine. You are entitled to your beliefs. But me...no. I will never ever believe it is right. Not only will you do yourself a disservice if you cheat (because how will the other person in your new relationship really ever trust you?), but you are hurting your soon-to-be ex-spouse. My divorce has been in the works for four months. Four months. That is it. We were together for 10 years. I feel cast aside, like a piece of used goods. I ask myself, was I that easy to get over?

Yes, yes, I know. "Time will heal. This just shows you his true character. You're better off without him." I know all these things. But sometimes, you have to vent. You need to get it out, express your anger and the feeling of betrayal. And that's exactly how I feel - betrayed. But even worse, my daughter feels the same way.

We'll be ok. We're strong. We have lots of friends and family surrounding us. But I will never look at my husband the same way again. He has destroyed our friendship and I was so hoping we could hang onto that.

Counseling is in my future and for my daughter. Lots of prayer. Lots and lots of journal entries (I wrote one last night). And lots of pouring my frustration, hurt, and anger into my exercising

So I'm trying to be positive, but since this is a grieving process, I also have to let those emotions out, otherwise they will hit me when I'm least expecting it.

Onward.

26 comments:

  1. Oh Melissa, suddenly I feel so horrible for whining about being sick today.

    You are so strong and insightful, just look at you go! You are right to assess and FEEL all these things, because they're part of the healing process. I'm so sorry you've been hurt in such a way, and I'll be praying for you.

    *hugs*

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  2. I'm so sorry, Melissa. For you and your daughter.

    I only wish there was something useful I could say, but there's not. Sending lots of (((hugs))).

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  3. You're in my prayers.

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  4. (((HUGS))) lots of (((HUGS))) and if you ever need me to kick a certain someone's butt, just let me know, okay? seriously. Bring it. LOL! Jenni

    Oh! I have an antique book i'm giving away on my blog--maybe that will help?

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  5. I'm so sorry Melissa. I can't agree with you more though. Dating while you are married, though separated, is completely wrong. I'll be praying for you.

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  6. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs to you and your daughter.

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  7. I hear you and go ahead and vent. That's what we're here for - each other! Healing mercies to your and your daughter. I'll keep you close in thought and prayer.

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  8. I'm sorry you're feeling like this and that it's had such a bad effect. Perhaps if you get angry you'll be able to deal with it better.

    While I'm of the school that if you're separated you're separated (I mean, my divorce dragged on for almost a year longer than necessary and I would have gone barmy had I not been able to see other people, and he found someone pretty much straight away too) and should be free to date if that's how it goes, I do think he should have kept his word to you, and definitely for longer than 4 months. Or not made the promise at all.

    I think your divorces are quicker than ours, though, and a few months isn't long to have to wait. Over here they can take 7 years or more if one party has disappeared. That's a long time to be on your own. So it's a tough one.

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  9. Melissa - if he made you that promise and broke it, no wonder you're upset. Every situation is different, but a promise is a promise. Why did he feel he had to tell you?

    I'm so so sorry you're going through all this. Wish I could be closer to take you out for tea and a chat. Big, big hugs.

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  10. (((Melissa))) I would feel like you. And then I'd let down his tires.

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, Melissa. What a difficult time, but it's important not to deny your feelings, you'll feel better for it. Take strength in your family and friends, too. Sending east coast good wishes!

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  12. I hoped this wouldn't happen. Continue taking the high road. It's lonely sometimes but you won't have regrets and will always know you did what was right.

    I did.

    And I promise it will get better.

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  13. Thank you all for the wonderful comments, thoughts, prayers, and concern. In a way, I am glad this happened (does that sound weird?), because it will give me the necessary shove to move on. The fact that he hurt our daughter over this makes me more angry than anything else. I am an adult - I can take it (though it's incredibly hard) but to tell our daughter this was just completely unnecessary.

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  14. Melissa, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share your hurt with us today. It isn't easy being transparent but you never know who might be going through something similar and can offer help or draw strength from you. And speaking of strength, You have it girl! Anyone who can travel to Europe alone and set up your own place and single parent a child--well--you are not lacking there at all! you are going to make it through as will your daughter. I know that for sure from the person you've let us see! hang in --I'm praying!

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  15. Melissa,

    My husband walked out on me and my three children (all under three years) for another woman he got pregnant.

    The first six months were horrendous and I was briefly destitute, but I recovered. A year later I was glad it happened.

    One of my sons is now in touch with his half-sister of that liaison of long ago. They've formed a friendship. It's a strange world, but there does seem to be a point to it.

    I never remarried, never regretted it, and my life has been fantastic.

    You will recover from this and you will be even more interesting because of it. AND it will influence your writing for ever.

    Your daughter will become a woman and will understand, in time.

    Be brave. We're all pulling for you.

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  16. Wow. Thank you for being brave enough to share the intimate details of your life with all of us. I truly admire your strength.

    Men can be such strange, cruel creatures. I've heard that they actually tend to take breakups harder than women, so they often find someone new right away as a way of saving face. Maybe that's why your soon-to-be-ex did what he did.

    Of course, that's no excuse for him breaking his word to you. That was completely wrong, and you have every right to feel betrayed and hurt.

    I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is exactly what you're doing now, taking the time to vent, to process everything that's happening, and to heal. You'll come out of this thing wiser and stronger. Fran is right--we're all rooting for you.

    Hang in there. It'll get better.

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  17. Melissa, your grief is real and shouldn't be discounted or minimized. I'm glad you are going to have professional guidance to show you the quickest, healthiest way to the other side of dark days. I'm praying for you and your daughter. Peace be to you.

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  18. Melissa, I am so sorry. I wish there was a way that your blog friends can help with the pain of this. This is one of those things that you can't escape or pass over...you have to go through it and come out on the other side. You will. In the meantime, let it out and don't worry about sharing too much. We are here and we care.

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  19. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. It's good to express your feelings and get them out. Don't feel bad for pouring out your heart, transparency is a good thing, and I admire your courage as you talk about helping someone else through this experience. Hang in....prayers and best wishes from me....

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  20. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know that in addition to your feelings that it's wrong and that he broke his promise, this has moved you to a place where you are dealing with the knowledge that this is really over for you. Use that finality to be strong, for yourself and for your daughter. Be the bigger person. Take a day or two either alone or with a trusted friend or family member and scream into a pillow, cuss him out, throw things, whatever it takes...and then for your own good and for your daughter's, let the anger go, It will only poison you if you hold onto it. I'm going out on a limb and talking out of school since I don't know either of you personally, but let the emotion you feel toward him change from hurt and anger to disappointment and maybe even pity. In my time I have seen many men who simply don't have the fortitude to go it alone. I'm not defending him or any of them, just describing what I see. They typically don't have close friends and relatives like women do and they tend to not have the strength of ego or character to be on their own. So many of them seek out some person to validate who they are. Do yourself a favor and please, please sweet Melissa, don't obsess for a minute about her, whoever she is. She isn't anybody. She was likely only convenient. Remember, this confirms that he is not the man you thought he was and you deserve better. You are better. Give yourself the time to get it out and then let the anger go. Good luck, my friend.

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  21. So sorry to hear what's happened. You're right to vent your anger and let it out.

    Hugs to you and your daughter.x

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  22. I've watched four divorces happen to four family/friends I loved dearly. Each was very different, from quick and amicable to one that had five years of drawn-out court battles and it's still not over. It never gets easier, not even watching from the sidelines, where I want desperately to help and make things better, and I can only offer an ear, a shoulder, a hug, a smile.

    Hang in there!

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  23. I am so sorry that you're going through this. All best wishes for you and your daughter.

    I agree -- until the divorce is final, it is disrespectful to date someone else -- it's disrespectful to the soon-to-be ex AND to the new person (who should have more respect for the situation, too).

    I have mantra: If someone cheats with you, that person will cheat ON you.

    Personally, I'm not interested in being with a cheater.

    When someone who is still caught up in the fragments of a previous relationship makes advances, I say, "Sort out your life first and THEN come talk to me. I'm not interested in your drama. I won't be a player in it; I won't buy into it."

    Also, I have very little respect for someone who can't be alone for more than a minute, and lines up replacements as fast as possible.

    It took me awhile to learn that, but taking that kind of a stand is worth it.

    In spite of the grief, I hope there's a part of you that feels (or will grow to feel) relief at being out of a bad situation, one that would have continued to cause you misery.

    I hope you feel better soon, and that the healing can start.

    Sending you healing thoughts.

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  24. Tapped into your beautiful blog from Angie's [gumbo writer's] place. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

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  25. It takes strength to be alone; it takes strength to figure out what went wrong and address one's own issues before jumping into another relationship. I think a lot of men aren't that strong. He should have stuck to his promise, no matter how hard. Thinking of you--

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  26. Oh Melissa, this is so frustrating. I'm sorry about the whole situation. I needed the reminder to keep praying for you guys... this is it. Counseling is good, always, even for folks who aren't grieving. May God hold you in His hand.

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