Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Brain Dead

For the past month, I've felt brain dead. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel happy. I don't feel very strongly one way or the other on the "happy" vs. "sad" scale. I'm sort of in the middle. I'm just...here.

The feeling comes and goes throughout the day, but for the most part, I don't have the ambition or the drive to do a lot. I like to sit and stare into space. I like to think about...nothing at all. I like to just sit.

I know, I know, none of this is making sense. But stay with me.

I'm exercising. I'm eating right. I'm spending time with my daughter. I'm editing the novel. I'm working every day. I'm laughing with my co-workers (when I feel like laughing, that is). I'm even doing laundry.

It's a very difficult feeling to explain. One minute, I can feel very passionate and excited about something - and the next, that feeling is gone.

I think my brain has put itself on "neutral" mode. And the reason for this can probably be found in my personal life. In a few more weeks, I will no longer be a married woman. I alluded to this change back in November and have never really talked about it a lot, but that is what it all boils down to - the big 'D' word.

We tried, my husband and I. We tried and tried and tried. But we just couldn't do it. I've got so many emotions going through me that it's nearly impossible to describe, but I'll try: guilt, relief, sadness, grief, loneliness, contentment. They all seem to contradict each other, don't they?

Sometimes I'll have good days, when the future looks glorious. Other times, I'll see it as an endless wasteland of lonely days and nights. What makes this all even harder? My husband and I are still best friends. And thank goodness we still are friends because we have a daughter to raise - together - even though we may be in different households. But I often wonder...can I still remain good friends with my soon-to-be ex, even when, one day, we find others to share our lives with? (I don't even want to think about that yet. So, so, SO not on my radar.) That's just one of the many questions flitting through my brain.

I know it's all normal. All of it. And I've come to accept that having my emotions all over the place at this time in my life is just the way it is. I'm getting through it thanks to my friends (and that includes my blogging buddies), my family, and God.

And that's why I think my brain has sort of went into neutral mode. There's just too much to process at once and it has to filter through a bit at a time. That's maybe why some days are grand, others less so.

One day at a time...

18 comments:

  1. It's a lot to process - a big change in your life. Good to write about it. I wish you healing and patience with all you feel. Wise to take one day at a time! Hugs to you.

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  2. Oh, Melissa! That is huge. Big hugs and love to you.

    Big hugs!

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  3. It is normal. So stop worrying and trying to analyse things. As you so often say yourself: this too will pass. And feel happy that you haven't ended up hating your husband.

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  4. All perfectly normal. It's a *huge* life event so you need to take each day as it comes.

    Yes, you can still remain best friends with your soon to be -ex. And I'm speaking from experience.:o)

    Sending lots of (((hugs))) from this side of the pond.

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  5. I'm glad you shared this about yourself. I know it will touch someone deeply.
    I have days like that and my situation is different. I exist but seem to be in a daze because there is too much to process and deal with in my life now. It makes it hard to be fully who I am.
    Hang in there! You have a full wonderful like and more to come!

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  6. I think it might be a defense mechanism. Your brain is in "safe mode" for now. I bet things feel better when Spring arrives.

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  7. This is a huge emotional event in your life, and it's important not to deny that. I'm glad you shared it here today, and know that you will move through this all the stronger for it. We're all pulling for you!

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  8. Sounds like a pretty normal reaction to me, given the recent emotional turmoil in your life. I'm glad you and your soon-to-be-ex have managed to stay friends through the whole process.

    Big hugs.

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  9. It can be a tough time. Even though it might be "for the best" it is still a big deal. Just remember we're all here for you if only to send out a hug when you need it.

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  10. You're grieving and that's good. It's the poor souls who don't grieve who suffer the most. Do you know about the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism: The first Truth is this: 1. Life means suffering. To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in.

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  11. Joy - Absolutely. One day at a time is the only way I think I can get through it. Thanks for the words of comfort. :-)

    Spy - Thanks for the hugs! Much appreciated.

    Diane - I am extremely grateful that I don't hate my husband - we still talk every single day. I hope we can always do that, no matter what the future holds for us.

    Shirley - I'm so glad that you are living proof that being friends with your ex is possible! Thanks for all the hugs. :-)

    Terri - I hope my words will help someone else. I wasn't sure whether to mention this on my blog or not, but it is so much a part of my life right now that it colors everything I do. I anticipate that I'll probably be writing on this topic more since it is incredibly therapeutic for me to write about it, too. :-)

    Rene - Defense mechanism is a great way to put it. I do think that that's exactly what is going on.

    Joanne - Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate it!

    Tess - I am so glad my soon-to-be ex and I are friends, although I sometimes wonder if the whole situation wouldn't be easier to get over if we weren't.

    My Writer's Attic - You said it very well. It is still a big deal even if it was for the best. That's why I think I have a lot of relief intermingled with my sorrow. A conundrum, for sure!

    Pam - I think that when we go through hard times, like this, it only makes us stronger and makes us appreciate life that much more. :-)

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  12. Melissa - Oh boy, do I hear ya. Let me share what has happened with my ex-husband and I. From the day we split we determined that the only option was to put the kids first. Since then we have made sure that our relationship remains friendly so that we can work together to better the lives of our children. It has been crucial. We have both since remarried and our spouses are friendly as well. It works better for everyone. I wouldn't say we are best friends, because obviously our spouses now fill that role. But, all of us our good friends and it works incredibly well.

    Hang in there sweetie, it will work itself out. Just take breaths and remember to laugh every day. *hugs*

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  13. Jenn - Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so glad to know that things worked out for you and that you are still close to your ex-spouse, and that everyone gets along.

    I've often wondered if I could ever have the type of relationship with my ex and any possible future wife like Reba has to deal with on her sitcom, REBA. :-)

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  14. Neutral is a good place to be as you absorb everything and piece together a new routine. And you're seeking healthiness in all areas while doing so. Kudos for that! At least you're not withdrawing into the cave. I'm pulling/praying for you! (((((((Melissa))))))

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  15. Oh Melissa. I am so sorry you are going through this.
    Sometimes we have to almost shut down to protect ourselves.
    Remember, we are hear to listen to anything you need to tell.

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  16. Angie - Bless you. I so appreciate the prayers and the good thoughts. I'm glad I'm not going into the cave, either, though there are days that I do - thankfully, I just don't stay there for long. :-)

    Debbie - I agree about shutting ourselves down. It's the body's defense mechanism, I think, in times like this. Thanks for the good thoughts!

    Everyone, I so much appreciate all your lovely comments and good wishes. You are all terrific and very, very special to me. :-)

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  17. When something hard happens, I think you accept "one-foot-in-front-of-the-other" as an acceptable way of living. Sad, mad, joyful, content, whatever emotion you experience needs to be okay for awhile. I'll be praying for you and your family, Melissa. I know this isn't easy.

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  18. I feel like such a bad friend for having missed this post when it was originally published. But my thoughts and prayers are with you. *hugs*

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