For the past month, I've felt brain dead. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel happy. I don't feel very strongly one way or the other on the "happy" vs. "sad" scale. I'm sort of in the middle. I'm just...here.
The feeling comes and goes throughout the day, but for the most part, I don't have the ambition or the drive to do a lot. I like to sit and stare into space. I like to think about...nothing at all. I like to just sit.
I know, I know, none of this is making sense. But stay with me.
I'm exercising. I'm eating right. I'm spending time with my daughter. I'm editing the novel. I'm working every day. I'm laughing with my co-workers (when I feel like laughing, that is). I'm even doing laundry.
It's a very difficult feeling to explain. One minute, I can feel very passionate and excited about something - and the next, that feeling is gone.
I think my brain has put itself on "neutral" mode. And the reason for this can probably be found in my personal life. In a few more weeks, I will no longer be a married woman. I alluded to this change back in November and have never really talked about it a lot, but that is what it all boils down to - the big 'D' word.
We tried, my husband and I. We tried and tried and tried. But we just couldn't do it. I've got so many emotions going through me that it's nearly impossible to describe, but I'll try: guilt, relief, sadness, grief, loneliness, contentment. They all seem to contradict each other, don't they?
Sometimes I'll have good days, when the future looks glorious. Other times, I'll see it as an endless wasteland of lonely days and nights. What makes this all even harder? My husband and I are still best friends. And thank goodness we still are friends because we have a daughter to raise - together - even though we may be in different households. But I often wonder...can I still remain good friends with my soon-to-be ex, even when, one day, we find others to share our lives with? (I don't even want to think about that yet. So, so, SO not on my radar.) That's just one of the many questions flitting through my brain.
I know it's all normal. All of it. And I've come to accept that having my emotions all over the place at this time in my life is just the way it is. I'm getting through it thanks to my friends (and that includes my blogging buddies), my family, and God.
And that's why I think my brain has sort of went into neutral mode. There's just too much to process at once and it has to filter through a bit at a time. That's maybe why some days are grand, others less so.
One day at a time...
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