Body Neutrality

 As a child, I ate whatever I wanted and didn't gain a thing. This same behavior continued through my teen years and into college. I had fantastic metabolism, and it didn't help that my mom and both my grandmothers made delectable sweets. I indulged to my heart's content and didn't know the meaning of the phrase "once in awhile." A little hard to do when every single week, my mom made cookies or brownies or cake or cinnamon rolls...oh it was all so darn good! 

I didn't start putting on weight until after I graduated from college, and then it wasn't much. Marriage and pregnancy followed, and after my daughter was born, I was starting to get back to my normal shape when I took a birth control shot that made me gain 50 pounds in a year. I have had health and weight issues ever since. I've had to unlearn bad eating habits, and learn to love to exercise. I go in spurts, though. When you have chronic illnesses that keep you bedridden for days at a time, exercise is impossible, and you don't worry too much about what you eat just as long as you eat!

So over the years, I've yo-yo'ed with my weight. I was at my heaviest from around 2005-2008, and though I haven't reached that weight again, I've come close. The women on my mother's side were all plump so I come by it honestly. But it doesn't make it any easier. I have an appalling habit of thinking I look absolutely disgusting with cellulite on my thighs, flabby arms, and a stomach that sticks out. 

Since giving birth 23 years ago, the thinnest I've been was after my divorce. I lost a lot of weight through exercise, diet, and plain old fashioned grief and trauma. Not exactly the healthy way to do it. But you know what? I was so much happier when I was thinner. People always say that they were as unhappy at their thinnest as they were when they were at their heaviest. Not me. I feel so much better both physically and mentally when I'm not carrying extra weight.

Unfortunately, losing weight has become even harder lately. The pandemic didn't help, and neither did my worsening health conditions. Two of them make losing weight hard: 1) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a metabolic disorder with insulin resistance being one of its biggest hallmarks, and 2) hypothyroidism, even though I've been on medication with it since right after my daughter was born. I'm also post-menopausal! Combine those three things with the fact that exercise is hard to do when I can't get out of bed, and it feels impossible to lose weight.

Bottom line? I need to lose weight for my health, yes, but if I don't shed 30 pounds (I'd be happy with 10 at this point!), I need to start accepting my body and loving myself. Do you know how hard that is?

Last night I realized that I have developed body dysmorphia. I simply cannot look at my body rationally - I see it differently constantly, and I criticize it. I also hate going out into society because I will worry about how people look at me. It is utterly exhausting. And I am beyond tired of it.

So. Last night I decided enough was enough. There are two great movements surrounding body image - the body positivity movement and the body neutrality movement. I like the latter one as I think trying to always be positive about your body is incredibly hard. Instead, I'd like to be neutral about it. 

On Instagram, I've started following accounts of women who are open and honest about their struggle with their weight and their body image. It is so helpful to see how other women are dealing with this issue. And also? I feel inspired to start dressing my body for the way it is, not the way I want it to be. When I went jeans shopping a few weeks ago, I wanted to cry in the dressing room over how everything fit despite the fact that I'd been watching my diet and exercising (when possible) for nearly a month. But clothes should fit MY body, and not the other way around. Size really is just a number.

But changing my mindset to one of body neutrality and acceptance is incredibly difficult. It won't happen overnight. It's something I'll struggle with the rest of my life.

I found this quote last night and it hit me hard:

I would much rather live boldly and defiantly accept! But I have to also keep my health in mind. Body neutrality doesn't mean I can just stop exercising and eat junk. Diabetes runs in my family, and I want to make sure I stave it off as long as possible. I love to walk and work out on my treadmill, so I will continue to do both.

But it's time to stop hating my body. It's time to start dressing cute and stop hiding behind big t-shirts. It's time to stop feeling less than because my body isn't like it used to be when I was 19 years old. Bodies change as we age, and that's okay.

Missing My Manuscript

After I finished the first draft of my manuscript, I wanted to take a break from it, get some distance before I started revisions. That didn't happen. My brain had too many ideas swirling around, so I allowed myself to dive in. But with my trip to Scotland approaching, I found myself becoming immersed in travel plans. And why not? That's part of the fun of traveling! So it's been a few weeks since I've really worked on the novel, and that's okay.

With about two weeks left before my trip, I've wrapped up my shopping and other planning, so now I'm casting about for something to do. Dive back into the novel only to be interrupted again in two weeks with my trip? Read a bunch of books? Both? 

One thing is for sure: I'm really missing my manuscript. I feel like I've left my characters in the lurch, and they're sitting around, waiting for me to return. But without me really meaning to, I've gained the distance I needed from the novel, and now perhaps feel more objective in my revisions.

All of this only solidifies something for me that I've always known: I'm a writer. I can't go for long without  putting words on the page. Oh, I write emails and social media posts and the occasional blog post, but nothing compares to writing fiction. 

So. I'll probably wade back into the revision waters, and even though I will be interrupted by my vacation, that's fine. I will undoubtedly come up with some pretty amazing story ideas while in Scotland!

In Other News...

Since autumn temps keep teasing us, the summer depression is finally beginning to lift. We still have a week of temps in the high 80s coming up, but I'll take those over the brutal 100 degree days we had a few weeks ago. That means wearing yoga pants and long-sleeved shirts! I love being comfy!

I've been working on losing weight and my god is it ever HARD when you are a post-menopausal woman with hypothyroidism and PCOS and other chronic illnesses which makes shedding the pounds about as easy as resisting a freshly-baked, warm chocolate chip cookie (THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!). Still, I am trying to do this for my health - diabetes runs in my family, so I'd like to stave off that disease for as long as I possibly can - hopefully forever. 

Unfortunately, thanks to the weight gain, none of the jeans I own fit. Okay, I take that back. They fit, but not comfortably, and I wanted to avoid buying a new pair for my trip. What's odd is that a size 8 in one brand almost fits me while a size 14 in another doesn't at all. Why is this??? Why do manufacturers vary so widely in their sizing? I don't know, but it's frustrating as hell. I went shopping last week and couldn't find a pair of pants that fit to save my life. The problem is my stomach. I have pelvic adhesions, which makes wearing a hard waistband like jeans nearly impossible, and I have to go up in a size to accommodate my tummy, which means the rest of the jeans are bulky and don't fit right. ARGH. It is SO MADDENING. So I've decided that, in the name of comfort, I am going to wear leggings during my entire Scotland trip. I have adorable long sweaters and tunics plus boots and some snazzy sneakers to wear  with them so I will look cute, but I really wish I could wear a pair of jeans without pain. Oh well. The goal is to be comfortable, right? Right!

This week we bought two hummingbird feeders, and yesterday, I sat outside for nearly two hours waiting to take a photo of these gorgeous little birds. Just as I was about to head inside, this female ruby-throated hummingbird (the females do not have the telltale ruby color on their throats - just the males) showed up. I was so excited! I eagerly snapped her photo. I love them so much!

No Regrets

 I saw an incredibly powerful video on Instagram the other day. A palliative nurse shared the top five regrets people had as they lay dying. I wrote them down because they spoke so loudly to me. 

1) Have the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expect of you. 

2) Don't work so hard.

3) Let yourself be happier.

4) Stay in touch with your friends.

5) Have the courage to express your feelings

Are there any you would add?

A fox from our backyard camera

Listening to Me

Life is really hard sometimes. Like, really hard.

But life is also full of so many wonderful gifts. I wish I could focus more on the gifts. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate all the beautiful things in my life, and there are so, so many. My family and friends, my daughter, my boyfriend, job, my pets, my writing, gorgeous sunsets and foxes scampering in my yard, and birds flitting between feeders and pecking away at fallen seed on the ground, and cool breezes, and expectations of autumn colors and oh so much more.

Shouldn't I be content with all of this bounty? Shouldn't I be thankful for what I have and leave it at that?

Yes, I should be content, I should be thankful, but no, I can't leave it at that.

I've had pretty much two dreams since I was probably 12 years old.  One was to publish a novel, and while I did have my novel published, it only came out in eBook, and I really don't feel like it counts because I want to hold that novel in my hands and put it on my shelf. (I know intellectually that it counts, but for 12-yr-old me? It doesn't count). So I'm still chasing that dream. I want that traditionally published novel and I want to see it on the shelf at my local Barnes and Noble, and I want to hold it in my hands and say, "I did this." 

I'm working on making that dream a reality. The edits/revisions are going slow, but in the right direction, and I'm pleased with the progress. I do a bit each day if I can - though some days I've been too spent to do much of anything) - and planning for my Scotland trip has taken over some of my evenings. That's okay. I'm steadily working toward my goal.

The second dream I've always had? Live in the UK or Ireland. I applied to graduate school in Ireland when I was just out of undergrad, and though I didn't get accepted, I still longed for the day when I could live there. Then things happened. I fell in love, got married, and quickly had a baby. That put things on hold. One memory sticks out: I was about eight months pregnant, and driving to my parents' house. I started bawling. "My life isn't supposed to be this way!" I wailed. "I'm not supposed to be married, living in stupid western Nebraska, and having a baby. I'm supposed to be in Europe, traveling, seeing the sights, doing all the things!" 

Well. Now I'm 48 years old. My daughter is raised. I am divorced and out of that terrible, awful marriage that yes, literally made me sick, and now I'm in another relationship that is not making me sick, but also not fulfilling everything that I want and need in life. 

So here I am, at this juncture. I do not want to get to the end of my life and think, "Why didn't I at least try to live my dream?" I do not want regrets.

I need to try and fulfill this dream. I need to go to the UK or Ireland, and live there for 6 months to a year, see if it's something I want to do long term, or if it's something I can do short term - maybe I live there full time, or maybe I live there part time, or maybe I'm like, "Nah, I gave it a shot, but I didn't like, it." At least then I WILL KNOW. 

But there are so many things to consider: a job, money, the pets, leaving my friends and family, moving to a foreign country. I think of the panic attack I had when I first went to England by myself - I woke up after a nap at my B&B and almost drove myself back to the airport. "What have I done?" I thought to myself. "I am alone, in a foreign country, and I am terrified." But I roused myself, went to the pub across the street, ate dinner, read my book, and damn it, I went on to have a fantastic trip by myself. 

Will I have a panic attack if I move to the UK? You bet I will. But I will hang on. I will persevere and I will know that if I push myself, if I allow myself to absorb the world around me, explore the history and the country, and meet new people, I will love it. And if I am there for six months to a a year and can't wait to move back to the US? THEN SO BE IT.

(this is a rambling post...my apologies)

I do not think my BF is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think I've known this from the start. However, he healed my heart. He showed me that there are good men out there, men I can trust and can love. I love him - but am I in love with him? That is the question, one I have wrestled with for months now. Should a person settle with someone who doesn't make their heart soar, but who is safe and reliable? 

Sometimes, I think I need to be on my own for a year or two. No dating, no men. Just me. Focusing on my needs. I have not done that in...well. I have never done that. Never. I have never focused just on me and on what I want. I've always allowed other people and other things to get in the way.

What if I truly focused on me and lived authentically? What if I listened only to me and no one else?

I've been taught since birth that focusing on me is selfish, that I need to look out for others. 

But I think that is wrong. I think to live authentically, to truly live my life, I need to be selfish for awhile, and focus on what I want and need. Is that so wrong? I don't think so. I really don't.

The hard part of all this, of course, is how my actions will affect others. How do you tell a BF of four years that, well, I don't think you can go with me on the next part of my life's journey? That this relationship was good for both of us, and healed both our hearts from the trauma we endured before we met each other, but now we need to find people who are truly, passionately in love with us? Isn't that better all around than settling? 

God, this is hard. So, so hard. 

But I have to do this. I just have to. I can't just wish and dream anymore. I have to do. I have to try and make this a reality somehow. 

Haha. Love this. 

Oh My

 Been awhile since I posted. That's okay. I'm all about giving myself grace lately.

A few weeks ago, I decided to go off of the opioids I'd been on for three months for my chronic pain. I pretty much went cold turkey. Maybe not the smartest move because the day after I quit was horrendous. I fell into a pit of depression so black and deep that I wondered if I'd ever crawl out. But I kept thinking, 'You'll get through this. Just hold on." 

So I did. And I made it.

The last two weeks since have been significantly better. I've been working out again and even though the pain is back, I'm just trying to ignore it. Isn't that awful, though? While the opioids helped with the pain, I didn't like how they made me feel, and I suspect they were making me feel worse overall. That's why I got off of them. 

But for chronic pain patients, I know this is often not an option, and I fully support people's access to opioids for their pain. I just couldn't do it this time.

What are the options for people with chronic pain? Not much. I've tried a lot of the options out there and though I had success with one - low-dose naltrextone -  it quit working after awhile. I may try it again, though, as my body enjoys reversing course quite often.

Book Edits

I've been steadily working on editing my novel, and I've had some major breakthroughs that will make it a much better story.

Heat Wave

We had a terrible heat wave this week with temps in the low 100s. Yes, you read that right. 103, 104, and even 106 were the highs here. It was AWFUL. I felt like a prisoner in my home, unable to even go outside and enjoy watching my birds. Heck, the birds were sticking to the leafy branches and not bothering to come out and eat! The heat finally broke today and tomorrow is supposed to be around 80. I'll take it.

Scotland!

I am chomping at the bit to go to Scotland. This summer has been one of the worst of my life, and looking forward to my Scotland trip has kept me sane. 

Hell on Wheels.

I recently started watching the AMC series Hell on Wheels. Yeah, I'm late to the party - I usually am with popular shows. But I'm really enjoying the series, especially Anson Mount's performance as Cullen Bohannen. What a wonderfully complex character! The show touches upon so many interesting aspects of this time in our country - the post-Civil War landscape, the opening of the west, and the expansion of the railroad. To see the interaction between former enemies - Union vs. Confederate, or Black American vs. former slaveowner or Native American vs. the white man - is fascinating, and the actors deliver excellent performances. Lots to unpack as a writer, and to me, that's the best kind of series. 

Also? Look at this man. So handsome.

Putting On My Historian Hat

For the past four months or so, I've been fully invested in writing my fiction. I've loved (almost) every minute of it. While I let the first draft of this novel sit for a bit, I haven't been idle on the writing front. Oh no!

I will have a paper published in an edited volume on "Fascism: Then and Now," to be published by the University of Nebraska-Press sometime next year. While I wrote the paper and turned it awhile ago, I received some editorial suggestions from my professor that I've been working on. It has necessitated I turn the switch in my brain from "novelist" to "historian." 

At first, the transition nearly did me in. I've been out of graduate school for six months now, and was no longer in that mode. It was excruciating, and the cognitive dysfunction issues I have with ME/CFS didn't help. But once I started digging deeper into my research and thinking like a historian again, I began to enjoy the process. 

I'm nearly finished with the edits, and it has truly made the paper stronger. I know the same will be true once I finish editing my novel. Isn't it great that we don't have to get writing right the first time? Whew!

In Other News...

It has been gloriously cooler these past few days with temps in the high 70s and low 80s. I sat outside tonight and took some pictures of my beloved birds, and then managed a short walk. I really enjoyed it all.

My daughter started watching Vikings and though I am not hooked, I admit to watching some of it and getting pulled into the story. Plus, there are some HOT men on there. Heh.

I've managed to order some clothes for my Scotland trip and oh they are so cute! I want to be comfortable so will probably wear leggings and long tunics the entire time along with my new pair of boots. 

And speaking of Scotland...I've decided to rent a mobility scooter. I really, really don't want to, but after the terrible flare I experienced the other day (all I did was go on a nature walk!), I realized that if I don't want to end up bedridden for most of my vacation, I need to take measures to help myself. So. For the days we'll be exploring Edinburgh, I'm going to be motoring around on my scooter. I think it's the right decision. I won't necessarily use it all the time, but for those days when we do a lot of exploring? It will save my body from crashing.

I'll leave you with some bird photos from tonight!

Flare Day

 Oh ugh. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful. To show you how little it takes to put me in a flare, this is what I did yesterday:

Went shopping with my daughter for approximately one hour

Fed the birds

Took the trash can out to the curb

And that is pretty much it. 

Was it the shopping? Probably. I wasn't feeling the best as it was, but thought getting out of the house for awhile might be helpful. It was fun to hang out with my daughter. We went to a new store in the mall straight out of the 1990s - new and vintage clothing. I felt like I'd stepped back in time to my college days! I wore a lot of what they had on the racks! A guy around my age was also in there shopping with his daughter and I asked him, "Do you feel old, too?" He sure did!

But I digress.

I have a bunch of changes to make on a paper to be published in an upcoming edited volume on fascism. This is the last thing I have to do for graduate school, and I thought the paper I submitted was good - but my professor wants me to make some substantial edits. The problem? My cognitive dysfunction is at an all time high on my flare days, and I could barely make sense of his suggestions, never mind make the edits. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. However, this also made me realize I definitely made the right choice in withdrawing from the PhD program. I simply couldn't continue to think so deeply and critically on a regular basis, not with the way ME/CFS robs me of so much of my cognitive abilities. It's beyond frustrating.

ME/CFS requires we rest our bodies, but also our minds. I have an incredibly hard time with that. Our society demands we be productive at all times, and so when I can't be physically productive - cleaning house, exercising, etc. - I feel I need to be mentally productive. I need to be writing or reading or doing something that requires brain power. But doing too much of that will also lead to a crash. 

Living life is challenging in itself, but living with chronic illnesses on top of that is...well. Some days it feels impossible.

I should try and focus more on the positives. 

So.

I've been doing some shopping for my Scotland trip, and today my new boots and a new shirt I ordered arrived. I just love how they look, and trying them on made me excited all over again for my trip. It's two months away! Last night I made a list of the places I want to go in Edinburgh. I don't know if we'll be able to get to all of them - I have to build in times of rest on vacation, as well. 

On the writing front, it's been hard to set aside my novel and let it rest. I've been reading through it and making notes, plus working out some plot snarls. I think after I do that, I'll put it in a drawer for at least a week and start brainstorming the next one in the series (Thank you, Devon, for the suggestion!). I'm also trying to come up with a good title, and so far, it's been eluding me. 

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

I love these two sweet sparrows!

The End!

 A few nights ago, I wrote THE END on the first draft of my novel.

What a feeling! But finishing this particular novel (my eighth) was particularly meaningful. I wrote earlier this year about withdrawing from my PhD program and focusing on what brings me joy. I made myself a promise: I needed to pour myself into my fiction, and make it a priority.

And that's exactly what I did.

I've never written a novel this fast before. The last one took me a good four years to finish! (Well, life was in turmoil! Cheating husband, a divorce, therapy, dating, selling a house, finding my boyfriend, moving to an apartment, then moving in with my boyfriend, then grad school...YEESH.). This one, however, took me about nine months. 

Though I didn't write each night (my writing time), I did try to "touch" the novel every day, if possible: the document was always open on my laptop. Even if I just read through a chapter, or made some notes, or even wrote a few sentences, I kept my head in the story. And it worked wonderfully. 

To say this novel has been challenging to write is an understatement. I've never attempted a story like this before, and the revisions will probably be significant. But I've discovered the heart of the story in the first draft, and made some significant discoveries. Though I try and have a rough outline of the novel, it is fluid, and often changes. It certainly did this time around. I completely changed the ending, and it's so much stronger than what I'd originally planned.

I printed out all 95k words yesterday, and just holding the weight of all that paper only impressed upon me what an achievement it is to write a book. Those are my words on the page! I don't always print out my novels, but I wanted to for this one. I like to make notes and use a pen to slash through sentences or scenes I no longer need. Something about the tactile experience, I guess.

I should let it set for a few weeks, but I've already started making notes to myself and thinking of how I can change certain scenes. 

For this weekend, though, I plan to relax. The boyfriend is on a fishing trip and I want to relax. My daughter and I plan to go see the Barbie movie - a great way to escape the punishing heat wave we're in!

Clouds right before the hail storm!

Interruptions (Odds & Ends)

 Had a busy weekend. My nephew's wife is expecting, and her family hosted a baby shower for her Saturday morning. My mom stayed with me from Friday night through this morning, and I had to drive clear across town to meet her and then drop her off since she drove down with my brother. 

The baby shower was lovely, held in a quaint river town founded in 1854 with a well-kept, historic main street with mid-19th century brick buildings. My nephew's wife is just glowing in her pregnancy, feeling good, and ready for baby! It's exciting to know a new family member will be here soon. I also enjoyed talking to my niece who shared stories of raising her son who just turned two (he's pretty ornery!). and of course, it led me to reminisce about raising my daughter. She really was a good baby and though she did get into a bit of mischief, overall she was a breeze to parent.

Instead of taking the interstate home, my mom and I decided to take another route, and we passed by fields of corn, pristine farms with red and white barns, and hilly, green countryside. We relaxed the rest of the afternoon, went for ice cream after supper, then sat outside and talked and talked, while watching the birds and the foxes. I didn't sleep well last night, was up far too early, and had to take my mom back to meet my brother so they could head home. I took a long nap this afternoon and my body is just exhausted.

So. No writing for me this weekend, though I may try tonight if I can stay awake long enough. I'm not beating myself up about not writing, either, as it was more important to me to spend time with my mom and enjoy her company than work on my novel. 

I'm in a good spot with the manuscript, and plan to finish it this week. I have a big project to tackle at work - not looking forward to that - but otherwise, no big plans for tomorrow. Weather is supposed to be atrocious - in the high 90s and breaking 100 degrees several days. No, no, no. That is why I desperately want to move to Scotland for the summer each and every year - my body cannot handle these temperatures, and neither can my emotional health. 

I'm going back to physical therapy for my pelvic pain. Have a month of appointments booked. None of my doctors bothered to tell me the consequences of all the pelvic surgeries I've had - namely the scar tissue - that has now become incredibly problematic. Going in to remove it will do nothing as it will just come back, so it's intense physical therapy probably once a year for...well, who knows?

I have a paper due on August 1 for an edited volume on fascism - the last remaining project of my PhD studies. I am trying to pare it down to 9k words and have only about 400 words yet to cut. I can do it! (I hope). 

Oddly enough, I don't miss graduate school. I enjoyed class discussions and researching my topic (which I feel is very, very timely), but I truly feel I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing: writing my fiction. I made a promise to myself to focus solely on it, something I haven't done for probably 20 years. Instead, I've always had other writing projects on the go: nonfiction articles, nonfiction books, freelance book reviews, and other freelance projects. It is rather nice just to focus on my fiction. My day job as an editorial assistant doesn't involve much writing, but it does involve proofreading and copyediting.

It feels good to have kept my promise to myself! I've never written a novel this fast before - and I'm rather proud of myself for how quickly it's come together. It will need some substantial editing, but I know I can turn this book into an incredible story. It has a hell of a hook and I'm very hopeful it will catch an agent's heart. This time around, I want a literary agent who will be just as excited about my work as I am. I feel that's crucial.

Here's a few pictures of my backyard birds! I so enjoy watching them. 

Nearly There

Last night I hit the 90k word mark on my novel. What an achievement! Even better, the scene I wrote wasn't anything I had planned - the characters took over and did what they wanted. 

I've never written a novel this fast before. But after I decided to withdraw from my PhD program, I made a promise to dedicate myself to my passion: writing fiction. And I've kept that promise. I'm really proud of myself for doing that. My goal is to have the novel finished by the end of the month. Totally doable. 

Since I'm planning a sequel to this novel, however, part of this draft's revisions process will include adding certain elements that weren't there before. When I came up with the idea for this novel, I didn't even think about it being a series so didn't include the plotting for that in the original outline. 

Isn't it fantastic that we can go back and change anything we want in our stories? Polish our words? Tear apart scenes and rewrite them? This knowledge should make it easier for us to write the first draft, yet our brain still think we need it to be perfect. Instead, it tells us to get it right the first time. Hmph. However, I'm looking forward to the revision process because that's where I can really dig in to the meat of the story. 

In Other News...

1) I have started going to physical therapy again for my pelvic issues. I've had so many surgeries and issues in that region that scar tissue is now my constant companion. Of course, none of my doctors told me I'd be dealing with this after my hysterectomy, or the oopherectomy, etc. Nope. Had to find out the hard way. But the one bright spot is that my physical therapist is AMAZING. We talk and laugh a lot, and when I told her I was taking a trip to Scotland, she told me all about how she lived in Edinburgh in college for awhile as part of an exchange program with UNL. She said it's her favorite place ever, and encouraged me to go for my goal of living in Scotland or somewhere else in the UK or Ireland a few months out of the year every year. "Life is too short," she said. "Do it!" 

2) I also expressed my health concerns to her about my trip to Scotland. She told me to do activities that didn't require a lot of walking. Before I talked to her, I was bound and determined to just be independent and not go on any tours - but just organize my outings all by myself. In other words, my pride was getting in the way.  Well. Last night I booked a bus tour of the Highlands of Scotland. Let someone else drive! I want to enjoy myself. While I do anticipate doing a fair amount of walking in Edinburgh, I will pace myself accordingly, and if necessary, rent a little electric scooter. My daughter and I are also going to take a few other day trips outside of Edinburgh by train.

3) Tonight, I was so fortunate to be able to pet the soft, fuzzy feathers of a fledgling sparrow. He has been hanging out on my back patio for the last few days, and has let me get quite close to him. So I decided to see if I could pet him, and he allowed it. So cool. He's just figuring out how this world works - I see him flying short distances and pecking at the bird seed, and wouldn't it be awesome if he hung around here and decided to eat bird seed out of my hand one day? I sure hope so. 

Keep Going

Throughout the years, I've stated numerous times my struggle with summer. Depression always lurks under the surface, and comes out often to torment me. However, this summer feels particularly cruel, and I think I've figured out why.

The novel I'm currently writing is unlike any I've undertaken before. It's time travel historical fiction, and my character travels from 2019 to 1940. While I like to stretch out of my comfort zone, it's proving more difficult than I anticipated. 

Which has led directly to darkening my mood.

Writing comes with incredible highs and terrible lows. Usually, the highs more than make up for the lows. I don't think, though, that I've ever had such lows as I've encountered with writing this particular novel, and I know it's because it's challenging me. 

But oh, I feel like it is the worst dreck I've ever written. Of course, I almost always feel this way after every novel I've written. This one, however, feels far worse. I don't feel confident in the story and how I've told it. Knowing I can change it and improve it keeps me going. It doesn't do much for my mood, though.

The only way to fix it is to keep moving forward, to keep writing, no matter how awful it sounds, to fill the blank page. I'll then set it aside for awhile, try not to think about it, and then in a few weeks or a month, I'll look at it with fresh eyes. Beta readers will be absolutely essential, too. I feel far too close to the story right now.

As far as my mood goes, well, I'll just use the tools in my toolbox! Last night I did some coloring, and today I've watched some fun movies, including one of my favorites, Disney's Robin Hood. It's stupid hot outside so I won't be going for a walk, though perhaps I'll feel good enough to get on the treadmill later.

I have to keep reminding myself this is temporary. Summer will pass, I'll finish the novel, and my mood will lift.