Listening to Me

Life is really hard sometimes. Like, really hard.

But life is also full of so many wonderful gifts. I wish I could focus more on the gifts. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate all the beautiful things in my life, and there are so, so many. My family and friends, my daughter, my boyfriend, job, my pets, my writing, gorgeous sunsets and foxes scampering in my yard, and birds flitting between feeders and pecking away at fallen seed on the ground, and cool breezes, and expectations of autumn colors and oh so much more.

Shouldn't I be content with all of this bounty? Shouldn't I be thankful for what I have and leave it at that?

Yes, I should be content, I should be thankful, but no, I can't leave it at that.

I've had pretty much two dreams since I was probably 12 years old.  One was to publish a novel, and while I did have my novel published, it only came out in eBook, and I really don't feel like it counts because I want to hold that novel in my hands and put it on my shelf. (I know intellectually that it counts, but for 12-yr-old me? It doesn't count). So I'm still chasing that dream. I want that traditionally published novel and I want to see it on the shelf at my local Barnes and Noble, and I want to hold it in my hands and say, "I did this." 

I'm working on making that dream a reality. The edits/revisions are going slow, but in the right direction, and I'm pleased with the progress. I do a bit each day if I can - though some days I've been too spent to do much of anything) - and planning for my Scotland trip has taken over some of my evenings. That's okay. I'm steadily working toward my goal.

The second dream I've always had? Live in the UK or Ireland. I applied to graduate school in Ireland when I was just out of undergrad, and though I didn't get accepted, I still longed for the day when I could live there. Then things happened. I fell in love, got married, and quickly had a baby. That put things on hold. One memory sticks out: I was about eight months pregnant, and driving to my parents' house. I started bawling. "My life isn't supposed to be this way!" I wailed. "I'm not supposed to be married, living in stupid western Nebraska, and having a baby. I'm supposed to be in Europe, traveling, seeing the sights, doing all the things!" 

Well. Now I'm 48 years old. My daughter is raised. I am divorced and out of that terrible, awful marriage that yes, literally made me sick, and now I'm in another relationship that is not making me sick, but also not fulfilling everything that I want and need in life. 

So here I am, at this juncture. I do not want to get to the end of my life and think, "Why didn't I at least try to live my dream?" I do not want regrets.

I need to try and fulfill this dream. I need to go to the UK or Ireland, and live there for 6 months to a year, see if it's something I want to do long term, or if it's something I can do short term - maybe I live there full time, or maybe I live there part time, or maybe I'm like, "Nah, I gave it a shot, but I didn't like, it." At least then I WILL KNOW. 

But there are so many things to consider: a job, money, the pets, leaving my friends and family, moving to a foreign country. I think of the panic attack I had when I first went to England by myself - I woke up after a nap at my B&B and almost drove myself back to the airport. "What have I done?" I thought to myself. "I am alone, in a foreign country, and I am terrified." But I roused myself, went to the pub across the street, ate dinner, read my book, and damn it, I went on to have a fantastic trip by myself. 

Will I have a panic attack if I move to the UK? You bet I will. But I will hang on. I will persevere and I will know that if I push myself, if I allow myself to absorb the world around me, explore the history and the country, and meet new people, I will love it. And if I am there for six months to a a year and can't wait to move back to the US? THEN SO BE IT.

(this is a rambling post...my apologies)

I do not think my BF is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think I've known this from the start. However, he healed my heart. He showed me that there are good men out there, men I can trust and can love. I love him - but am I in love with him? That is the question, one I have wrestled with for months now. Should a person settle with someone who doesn't make their heart soar, but who is safe and reliable? 

Sometimes, I think I need to be on my own for a year or two. No dating, no men. Just me. Focusing on my needs. I have not done that in...well. I have never done that. Never. I have never focused just on me and on what I want. I've always allowed other people and other things to get in the way.

What if I truly focused on me and lived authentically? What if I listened only to me and no one else?

I've been taught since birth that focusing on me is selfish, that I need to look out for others. 

But I think that is wrong. I think to live authentically, to truly live my life, I need to be selfish for awhile, and focus on what I want and need. Is that so wrong? I don't think so. I really don't.

The hard part of all this, of course, is how my actions will affect others. How do you tell a BF of four years that, well, I don't think you can go with me on the next part of my life's journey? That this relationship was good for both of us, and healed both our hearts from the trauma we endured before we met each other, but now we need to find people who are truly, passionately in love with us? Isn't that better all around than settling? 

God, this is hard. So, so hard. 

But I have to do this. I just have to. I can't just wish and dream anymore. I have to do. I have to try and make this a reality somehow. 

Haha. Love this.