Flare Day

 Oh ugh. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful. To show you how little it takes to put me in a flare, this is what I did yesterday:

Went shopping with my daughter for approximately one hour

Fed the birds

Took the trash can out to the curb

And that is pretty much it. 

Was it the shopping? Probably. I wasn't feeling the best as it was, but thought getting out of the house for awhile might be helpful. It was fun to hang out with my daughter. We went to a new store in the mall straight out of the 1990s - new and vintage clothing. I felt like I'd stepped back in time to my college days! I wore a lot of what they had on the racks! A guy around my age was also in there shopping with his daughter and I asked him, "Do you feel old, too?" He sure did!

But I digress.

I have a bunch of changes to make on a paper to be published in an upcoming edited volume on fascism. This is the last thing I have to do for graduate school, and I thought the paper I submitted was good - but my professor wants me to make some substantial edits. The problem? My cognitive dysfunction is at an all time high on my flare days, and I could barely make sense of his suggestions, never mind make the edits. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. However, this also made me realize I definitely made the right choice in withdrawing from the PhD program. I simply couldn't continue to think so deeply and critically on a regular basis, not with the way ME/CFS robs me of so much of my cognitive abilities. It's beyond frustrating.

ME/CFS requires we rest our bodies, but also our minds. I have an incredibly hard time with that. Our society demands we be productive at all times, and so when I can't be physically productive - cleaning house, exercising, etc. - I feel I need to be mentally productive. I need to be writing or reading or doing something that requires brain power. But doing too much of that will also lead to a crash. 

Living life is challenging in itself, but living with chronic illnesses on top of that is...well. Some days it feels impossible.

I should try and focus more on the positives. 

So.

I've been doing some shopping for my Scotland trip, and today my new boots and a new shirt I ordered arrived. I just love how they look, and trying them on made me excited all over again for my trip. It's two months away! Last night I made a list of the places I want to go in Edinburgh. I don't know if we'll be able to get to all of them - I have to build in times of rest on vacation, as well. 

On the writing front, it's been hard to set aside my novel and let it rest. I've been reading through it and making notes, plus working out some plot snarls. I think after I do that, I'll put it in a drawer for at least a week and start brainstorming the next one in the series (Thank you, Devon, for the suggestion!). I'm also trying to come up with a good title, and so far, it's been eluding me. 

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

I love these two sweet sparrows!