Body Neutrality

 As a child, I ate whatever I wanted and didn't gain a thing. This same behavior continued through my teen years and into college. I had fantastic metabolism, and it didn't help that my mom and both my grandmothers made delectable sweets. I indulged to my heart's content and didn't know the meaning of the phrase "once in awhile." A little hard to do when every single week, my mom made cookies or brownies or cake or cinnamon rolls...oh it was all so darn good! 

I didn't start putting on weight until after I graduated from college, and then it wasn't much. Marriage and pregnancy followed, and after my daughter was born, I was starting to get back to my normal shape when I took a birth control shot that made me gain 50 pounds in a year. I have had health and weight issues ever since. I've had to unlearn bad eating habits, and learn to love to exercise. I go in spurts, though. When you have chronic illnesses that keep you bedridden for days at a time, exercise is impossible, and you don't worry too much about what you eat just as long as you eat!

So over the years, I've yo-yo'ed with my weight. I was at my heaviest from around 2005-2008, and though I haven't reached that weight again, I've come close. The women on my mother's side were all plump so I come by it honestly. But it doesn't make it any easier. I have an appalling habit of thinking I look absolutely disgusting with cellulite on my thighs, flabby arms, and a stomach that sticks out. 

Since giving birth 23 years ago, the thinnest I've been was after my divorce. I lost a lot of weight through exercise, diet, and plain old fashioned grief and trauma. Not exactly the healthy way to do it. But you know what? I was so much happier when I was thinner. People always say that they were as unhappy at their thinnest as they were when they were at their heaviest. Not me. I feel so much better both physically and mentally when I'm not carrying extra weight.

Unfortunately, losing weight has become even harder lately. The pandemic didn't help, and neither did my worsening health conditions. Two of them make losing weight hard: 1) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a metabolic disorder with insulin resistance being one of its biggest hallmarks, and 2) hypothyroidism, even though I've been on medication with it since right after my daughter was born. I'm also post-menopausal! Combine those three things with the fact that exercise is hard to do when I can't get out of bed, and it feels impossible to lose weight.

Bottom line? I need to lose weight for my health, yes, but if I don't shed 30 pounds (I'd be happy with 10 at this point!), I need to start accepting my body and loving myself. Do you know how hard that is?

Last night I realized that I have developed body dysmorphia. I simply cannot look at my body rationally - I see it differently constantly, and I criticize it. I also hate going out into society because I will worry about how people look at me. It is utterly exhausting. And I am beyond tired of it.

So. Last night I decided enough was enough. There are two great movements surrounding body image - the body positivity movement and the body neutrality movement. I like the latter one as I think trying to always be positive about your body is incredibly hard. Instead, I'd like to be neutral about it. 

On Instagram, I've started following accounts of women who are open and honest about their struggle with their weight and their body image. It is so helpful to see how other women are dealing with this issue. And also? I feel inspired to start dressing my body for the way it is, not the way I want it to be. When I went jeans shopping a few weeks ago, I wanted to cry in the dressing room over how everything fit despite the fact that I'd been watching my diet and exercising (when possible) for nearly a month. But clothes should fit MY body, and not the other way around. Size really is just a number.

But changing my mindset to one of body neutrality and acceptance is incredibly difficult. It won't happen overnight. It's something I'll struggle with the rest of my life.

I found this quote last night and it hit me hard:

I would much rather live boldly and defiantly accept! But I have to also keep my health in mind. Body neutrality doesn't mean I can just stop exercising and eat junk. Diabetes runs in my family, and I want to make sure I stave it off as long as possible. I love to walk and work out on my treadmill, so I will continue to do both.

But it's time to stop hating my body. It's time to start dressing cute and stop hiding behind big t-shirts. It's time to stop feeling less than because my body isn't like it used to be when I was 19 years old. Bodies change as we age, and that's okay.