Friday, April 17, 2009

Thoughts...


Thank you to all of you for your prayers, your thoughts, and your comments. Once again, you have humbled me with your outpouring of support. This blogging community of ours, tiny though it may be, has a huge impact on my life. I am very blessed to have you all!

Even though lots of people told me, "You're starting a new chapter in your life!", it doesn't quite feel that way yet. Maybe it's because I made this decision late last year and only now is it final. So it has yet to sink in. I haven't cried yet - maybe I need to. Maybe not. To tell you the truth, I have cried so much during the last 10 years that I can barely fathom it. I hope that is over.

I do not feel this overpowering sense of liberation or joy. True, I feel relief that the roller coaster ride is over. I got off it before it made me too sick. I broke the cycle which is much better for my daughter and I.

But there's also a sense of sadness. A marriage is irretrievably broken. Those two words carry so much power. Irretrievably. No going back. Wow.

I now have to tell myself, "You're not married anymore. You're a single woman. You don't need a man to make you happy. You are no longer part of a 'couple.'" Each one of those facts is hard to swallow, but it's a lot easier to swallow now than it was a few months ago.

It's time to move on. And I think I'm doing ok in that. I'm not going to force myself to do something I'm not ready for, but I can already see that I'm starting to emerge from my self-induced shell. That's a good thing and definitely a sign that I'm beginning to heal. I know it's not complete and will not be complete for a long time to come, but it's a great step in the right direction.
With this all in mind, I plan to return to my novel with a renewed sense of purpose. I'm excited to see where it takes me.

14 comments:

  1. You are such a sweet person and I so hate to know that you're in pain. Give yourself time. There's no rush to feel like you've moved on. Don't withdraw, but give yourself time within your own comfort zone. Stay close to your loved ones and know that it's okay for you to make plans that are all about making you happy right now. There will be a day very soon when you're out for a walk in the spring and it's a beautiful day and you have nothing to do but whatever you want to do and nobody to take care of but you and your daughter and you're going to realize that it's a pretty good feeling. You take care of yourself and know that there are a lot of people who care. xo

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  2. Be patient...be good to yourself. I know how you are feeling having gone through it myself. It's a grieving process you need to go through, and there are no set times. Stay true to yourself...stay the course.... {{{hugs}}}

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  3. By the way, I meant to say that when my first marriage ended fifteen years ago I could not have imagined the subsequent joy and suprises that were waiting down the road for me! When I look back at that woman who was starting out on this journey, I hardly know her anymore. You, too, have amazing things ahead of you!

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  4. I can't imagine anyone looking forward to a new chapter in their life when they never wanted to end the old chapter in the first place! I think we're all told to "get happy" no matter what the circumstance, but it isn't realistic. It's okay to have emotions that aren't positive. It's okay to feel pain.

    Don't try to put yourself into a box other people set for you, but don't lose sight of the specks of hope around either.

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  5. More hugs. Sounds like you're taking the right approach - one day at a time. You have to do what feels right for YOU, not what others tell you is right. Cry if you want, don't cry if you don't want.

    You're an incredible role model for your daughter.

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  6. You're holding up wonderfully, just know that.

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  7. You have gone through so much, yet you always have time to read and comment at my blog - and, no doubt, at others, you generous, lovely soul.

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  8. How great that you feel like you are emerging. That freedom must feel empowering.

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  9. You're awesome and a great inspiration to us all! Good luck with your story. Jenni

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  10. It's okay to sit still and just absorb the new space and feelings. You're doing GREAT, and you'll stay in my prayers as long as you need them.

    (((((Melissa)))))

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  11. Show the same compassion to yourself that you always show to your friends.

    Just let it take whatever time it takes. Everyone's personal rhythms are different. Listen to yours, respect your intuition.

    Of course you're sad. It's natural.

    We're here with you. We want you to be happy and live your best life. Feel secure in that.

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  12. You're going through the process of grieving and it takes time. Give it to yourself. The best thing you said is how you broke the pattern. It is better to grow up in a home that is healthy than a broken and hurting one. For years, I prayed my mother would leave my alcoholic father. She left him last year after 55 plus years of marriage and finally said she understands the hold he had on her. Your daughter and you will be okay:)

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  13. It won't feel like a new chapter for ages, there will be lots of blur in between. It happens so much quicker over there too. Unless we go for a "quickie", which usually requires accusations and admissions of guilt, we have 2 years to get used to the idea, and still it's a blur. But it IS the first day(s) of the rest of your life and it WILL get better. You know that.

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  14. Thanks, all, for your wonderful, thoughtful comments. VERY MUCH appreciated!

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