When You Want to Give Up...Don't

Today has been...difficult.

I woke up in a very bad flare. Everything hurts. My limbs feel like they're coated in concrete. I'm exhausted and have zero energy.

This happens every few weeks, and I try to pace myself so that it doesn't happen. I didn't do that yesterday, and I paid for it.

One of the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome (a.k.a. myalgic encephalomyelitis) is post-exertional malaise. That means if I overdo it on something, I pay for it. This can be exercise, household chores, going shopping, etc. It can also happen with mental over-exertion. This is why pacing is so important. If you push through, you'll only make yourself feel worse. In the long run, this can lead to terrible complications. Some people become bedridden.

The problem is that when you have a good day, you feel like doing ALL THE THINGS. Yesterday, I did a lot (for me). I worked on my class paper, wrote a blog post, wrote on my novel, took a long walk, gave the dog a bath, did the dishes, and washed my bedding. To most people, that might be a typical day. However, for me? It was far, far too much. 

When you have a flare, rest is absolutely crucial. You cannot decide to ignore it and go on with your activities or you might end up in the ER. I've developed some strategies for dealing with flares, and it usually includes watching comforting shows or classic movies, reading, finding inspirational quotes on social media, journaling, and working on puzzles. If it's not too bad, I will try and take a short walk But on days like today...that's impossible. 

Earlier, I wanted to cry and just give up. Give up on this paper that I'm writing, give up on the class I'm taking, give up my job, give up my writing...just quit.

But of course, this is only a temporary state of mind, and I recognize that. Still, it's important not to invalidate my feelings. Staying positive all the time doesn't work. There's a certain amount of grief that comes with living with chronic illnesses. My life will never be the same again. I cannot do all the things I once did, and yes, I mourn that old life. Acknowledging those emotions is crucial. That's why I journal, or vent on social media. Some people don't appreciate seeing me being real and raw, and would rather I just post happy, positive statuses. But that's not my life. And I've always made it a point to be the real me on social media, not some fake version of who others think I should be.

I won't quit. I'm going to write this paper and finish this class. I might not work on my novel today and that's okay. I can work on it when I'm feeling better. 

I've had to make lots of adjustments to my life, and I've mostly accepted it. But on days like today...oh do I get frustrated and upset and angry. 

But I won't quit. It's not in my DNA.

My Body Is Rebelling

Thursday afternoon I felt pretty darn yucky. But after work, I drug myself to the annual library book sale and discovered that the history table had already been picked clean (and of course, every other table had plenty left to offer. This leads me to the conclusion that historians are a mad bunch who love their books). But Thursday night I had a feeling I wasn't going to be feeling much better.

Sure enough, Friday morning I felt worse and decided to take the day off. Not happy about that, but then I realized that if I was to get better, no sense in going to work and allowing my body to get sicker than it already was. I slept until after lunch and hubby was fantastic in bringing me something to eat, plus two great movies - North by Northwest with Cary Grant and a new one with Nicolas Cage called Next. Excellent flicks, both of them. Also have been doing a lot of reading - I finished John Grisham's new book, Playing for Pizza last night (loved it) and finished Elmore Leonard's newest Up In Honey's Room (meh...) the other night. I'm now reading Elizabeth Berg's Dream When You're Feeling Blue.

I just came down with a cold a few weeks ago and my conclusion is that my body is crashing. When I went through everything with hubby, my adrenaline was going all that time and I think that now things are back to normal (hubby starts a job on Monday!!!), I'm bottoming out.

I am of the mindset that I can snap back from things (life-altering things) quite easily. In other words, the week's vacation I had should have been enough to get me "centered" again. Unfortunately, I don't think this is the case at all. I've changed jobs, had financial problems to deal with, finished a novel, and dealt with hubby's health issues. I think I stayed pretty strong through the whole ordeal, but now...now I just want to lay in bed, read a book, watch a movie, and eat bad things for me. The adrenaline has worn off, the "tough girl" attitude has crept off to the shadows, and I'm left with the fall-out.

Never despair, though! This, too, shall pass, and I know I'll get my act together again - eating right, exercising (although I must admit, I have been doing an awful lot of walking lately), and working on my writing.

But tonight I'm going to lay on the couch, crack open my book, and maybe sneak in a bit of chocolate...

Quick Update

Sigh...

Well.

The skin graft didn't take. The part that covers his first wound is fine - but the skin that covered his second wound - near the area where his arm bends - isn't working out so well. So. The doc is giving it one more week and if he doesn't see a vast improvement, it's back to the hospital for hubby and another skin graft.

He's still on antibiotics and will be for some time - not sure how long. Haven't heard the latest on that yet since that is an entirely different doctor.

Anyone want to donate a trip to Italy???

:-)

Flying Fingers

Since the temperatures hovered in the upper 90's this weekend, it was the perfect opportunity for me to stay inside in the nice air-conditioned house and get some writing done. And write I did. I'm getting closer to being finished with my edits and sending this baby off.

Immersing myself in the story has been a wonderful treat for me. With no hospitals to worry about (although hubby does have to go there twice a day for his antibiotics - but he drives himself) and no reason to go outside and melt, I've had the pleasure of happily typing away without worry of interference.

I've lived the writing life this weekend. But today it's back to the day job, back to Curves, and back to a schedule. School starts in a few weeks (unbelievable!) and my stepson will be in football this year, so the schedule will be in full force before long. Writing time will become precious.

Happy Monday!