When You Want to Give Up...Don't

Today has been...difficult.

I woke up in a very bad flare. Everything hurts. My limbs feel like they're coated in concrete. I'm exhausted and have zero energy.

This happens every few weeks, and I try to pace myself so that it doesn't happen. I didn't do that yesterday, and I paid for it.

One of the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome (a.k.a. myalgic encephalomyelitis) is post-exertional malaise. That means if I overdo it on something, I pay for it. This can be exercise, household chores, going shopping, etc. It can also happen with mental over-exertion. This is why pacing is so important. If you push through, you'll only make yourself feel worse. In the long run, this can lead to terrible complications. Some people become bedridden.

The problem is that when you have a good day, you feel like doing ALL THE THINGS. Yesterday, I did a lot (for me). I worked on my class paper, wrote a blog post, wrote on my novel, took a long walk, gave the dog a bath, did the dishes, and washed my bedding. To most people, that might be a typical day. However, for me? It was far, far too much. 

When you have a flare, rest is absolutely crucial. You cannot decide to ignore it and go on with your activities or you might end up in the ER. I've developed some strategies for dealing with flares, and it usually includes watching comforting shows or classic movies, reading, finding inspirational quotes on social media, journaling, and working on puzzles. If it's not too bad, I will try and take a short walk But on days like today...that's impossible. 

Earlier, I wanted to cry and just give up. Give up on this paper that I'm writing, give up on the class I'm taking, give up my job, give up my writing...just quit.

But of course, this is only a temporary state of mind, and I recognize that. Still, it's important not to invalidate my feelings. Staying positive all the time doesn't work. There's a certain amount of grief that comes with living with chronic illnesses. My life will never be the same again. I cannot do all the things I once did, and yes, I mourn that old life. Acknowledging those emotions is crucial. That's why I journal, or vent on social media. Some people don't appreciate seeing me being real and raw, and would rather I just post happy, positive statuses. But that's not my life. And I've always made it a point to be the real me on social media, not some fake version of who others think I should be.

I won't quit. I'm going to write this paper and finish this class. I might not work on my novel today and that's okay. I can work on it when I'm feeling better. 

I've had to make lots of adjustments to my life, and I've mostly accepted it. But on days like today...oh do I get frustrated and upset and angry. 

But I won't quit. It's not in my DNA.