I Am Worthy

 I'm not sure when I started feeling that my chronic illness made me a burden to those who love me.

Maybe it's because my ex-husband told me my illnesses were one of the reasons he cheated on me and left (he was a master at emotional abuse. I mean, really. Blaming me for him cheating and leaving? Classic narcissist.)

Unfortunately, how he made me feel in that moment stayed tucked into my brain. 

My boyfriend and I have been together close to three years. The last year and a half has arguably been the most difficult due to my worsening health issues. He is invariably patient, kind, and understanding - but I thought my ex was, too. Yet behind my back, he chose to find someone else.

My brain knows it wasn't my fault. My heart, however, does not.

When I wake up feeling  ick yet again, even "normal people" sick - i.e. if I have a cold or the flu - I feel tremendous guilt and worry my boyfriend will think, "God, not again."

He assures me he doesn't. He assures me he won't leave me because I'm sick. 

But it is at these times when I feel very vulnerable. I don't feel worthy of his love because I cannot do all the things I feel is necessary for a healthy relationship. Intimacy is hard when you feel like crap most of the time. Going out and doing fun stuff takes a backseat unless I'm having a good day. 

I constantly worry I am holding him back from doing things he wants to do. He says I'm not at all.

But because of my past trauma, my heart keeps telling me, "He says that. But does he really mean it?"

It is at these moments when I have to remind myself that even if I am sick, even if I have limitations, I am still worthy. I am still worthy of respect, of devotion, of love. Why is this so hard to accept? Every time I get sick, this conversation pops up in my head.

As my therapist said, I am resilient. I will be okay no matter what. I remember the first day I met my therapist. I'd just found out about my ex's cheating, and I desperately needed help. She told me, "It doesn't feel like it now, but one day you will be okay. I promise you." I didn't believe her. I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to die. 

But I didn't die. I kept going. I grieved, I learned about trauma bonds, I did the work, and I healed.

Healing is not linear, however, and sometimes we end up going backwards. Even three years into a new relationship, I still get triggered. But it is up to me to deal with those triggers in a healthy way.

Above all, I need to remember that no matter what, I am worthy of happiness and love and contentment. 

And so are you.