Thursday, December 03, 2009

I'm Thinkin' I Need a Cave


Life is hard. We know this. But I feel like mine has been a series of knock-outs this past year. Separation, divorce, financial woes, emotional upheavals, (not to mention those darn agent rejections), and assorted other issues have left me feeling drained. There are times I'd like to crumple into a heap on the floor and not move for a couple of days.

Of course, I can't do this as I am a mother, have a job, and well, it's not in me to give up. I'm a fighter. Or at the very least, a survivor.

The latest emotional upheaval left me reeling and I've felt scatter-brained and "off" my game ever since. I haven't looked at my novel since Wednesday (I actually wrote a page or two on the laptop while on the road home - don't worry, I wasn't driving!) and I miss it. My writing is my escape.

I also am not yet possessed of the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year, a time when I'm usually blissfully happy and loving the spirit of the season. Yet I haven't felt the joy. Last night, my daughter convinced me to put up the Christmas tree. I wasn't in the mood, but I wanted to do it for her. So I put on my Christmas music and we hauled out the Christmas tree. I felt maybe a twinkling of Christmas spirit, but nothing like I usually do. This saddened me.

There are bright spots in all of this. I have reconnected with old friends, discovered (once again) what an amazing and awesome family I have, and this weekend, I have a few Christmas parties to go to that require dressing to the nine's. I'm looking forward to it.

But mentally, I need to go to a cave for awhile. I need to regroup, rethink what I want out of life, and do some serious soul-searching. This is a good idea to do every few months anyway, but right now, it's paramount to my sanity. I've lost focus and need to regain it in a lot of areas of my life, particularly in my faith, in my writing, and in my relationships with others.

Sometimes I wish gut-punches weren't so painful. But they all include a lesson that I need to learn. Even though I have to go through the agony, it makes me a stronger, more resilient, and much wiser individual. And really, you can't beat that.

16 comments:

  1. Melissa, I'm so sorry. You deserve all the happinesses life (and this season) have to offer.

    My ear is available if you need it. *hugs*

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  2. I hear you-- I really really do cause I could climb into that cave with you. I won't add my own list but know that we have to believe that life does get better. All this stuff we are going through will only make us more sensitive hopefully to others and stronger. God is molding us even though I am not liking it one bit! Wish we lived closer-- I would invite you over!

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  3. Melissa, with the New Year comes a sense of new beginnings. I'm hoping that your reflections lead to wonderful new journeys in the coming months :)

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  4. What a tough post but end on such a positive note. I really can see your resilience. I hope you have a wonderful new year and I pray peace, prosperity, romance and all good fortune come your way! (((HUGS)))

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  5. I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch. A new year is just around the corner.

    As far as Christmas goes, I have such high expectations for the holiday that each year I always feel a bit glum during some rituals . . . I think we all do.

    Hey, enjoy those parties.

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  6. Melissa, I'm so sorry for this hard year. What wonderful perspective you have. You have more strength in you than you see. I see it and I'm amazed by you.

    Wishing you the spirit of Christmas and lots of love.

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  7. I had that type of year last year. Really. This year I needed the entire 12 months to recover. I don't blame you for wanting to shut down for a while - that's what I do as well. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to lighten your load.

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  8. I think I need a cave to sneak into too.

    I hope 2010 is much better for you and at least it's almost here and you can push 2009 to the back of your mind.

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  9. With you all the way - as you know. And once again I'm also not feeling the Christmas joy at my favourite time of year, so I know exactly how you feel.

    Hiding in a cave, regrouping, etc, is often the best way to deal with it. So do it. You'll get through it more quickly than if you do nothing and hope it goes away.

    Good luck and feel better soon.

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  10. It helps me to remember that when the days get shorter humans are profoundly affected. We operate best with more daylight. Try getting outside for half an hour a day whenever the sun is shining. (And believe me, I know how impossible that is when you work and raise kids....) Chin up! (Although I can see between the lines that your chin IS up.) I admire you for writing from your gut. I do it in my head but don't think I could ever do it in print. Happy Christmas season!

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  11. You guys are awesome. :-)

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  12. You have had an awful year. I would love to come give you a hug right now.

    I know what you mean about not being in the spirit. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. I felt displaced and not myself. I got through the holidays, but I didn't enjoy them. The next year was quite different for me, so I hope it will be the same for you.

    Please take care and know you have many people who care about you.

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  13. Hang in there Melissa !

    Always remember, "At the very most, all you have is your friends."

    We're all in this together!

    - Scott

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  14. Praying for you sweetie! Life makes you draw back at times. Even in this season remember that God has wonderful things in store for your life. Keep pressing, keep trusting, keep writing!

    You'll look back one day when you are on the other side of these struggles and marvel at how you have grown.

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  15. Hi Melissa, you said '...I've lost focus and need to regain it in a lot of areas of my life, particularly in my faith, in my writing, and in my relationships with others...'

    As always your words speak to me and very often at a time when I find myself going through similar things too.

    I'm not often visible in the Blogosphere these days, but please know that you're not alone.

    Sending you all my love, prayers & hugs.

    Sue xx

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  16. I feel for you! You have had a bad year. Mine has been sunshine and roses compared to yours and I'd still like to join you in that cave:)

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