Listening to Me

Life is really hard sometimes. Like, really hard.

But life is also full of so many wonderful gifts. I wish I could focus more on the gifts. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate all the beautiful things in my life, and there are so, so many. My family and friends, my daughter, my boyfriend, job, my pets, my writing, gorgeous sunsets and foxes scampering in my yard, and birds flitting between feeders and pecking away at fallen seed on the ground, and cool breezes, and expectations of autumn colors and oh so much more.

Shouldn't I be content with all of this bounty? Shouldn't I be thankful for what I have and leave it at that?

Yes, I should be content, I should be thankful, but no, I can't leave it at that.

I've had pretty much two dreams since I was probably 12 years old.  One was to publish a novel, and while I did have my novel published, it only came out in eBook, and I really don't feel like it counts because I want to hold that novel in my hands and put it on my shelf. (I know intellectually that it counts, but for 12-yr-old me? It doesn't count). So I'm still chasing that dream. I want that traditionally published novel and I want to see it on the shelf at my local Barnes and Noble, and I want to hold it in my hands and say, "I did this." 

I'm working on making that dream a reality. The edits/revisions are going slow, but in the right direction, and I'm pleased with the progress. I do a bit each day if I can - though some days I've been too spent to do much of anything) - and planning for my Scotland trip has taken over some of my evenings. That's okay. I'm steadily working toward my goal.

The second dream I've always had? Live in the UK or Ireland. I applied to graduate school in Ireland when I was just out of undergrad, and though I didn't get accepted, I still longed for the day when I could live there. Then things happened. I fell in love, got married, and quickly had a baby. That put things on hold. One memory sticks out: I was about eight months pregnant, and driving to my parents' house. I started bawling. "My life isn't supposed to be this way!" I wailed. "I'm not supposed to be married, living in stupid western Nebraska, and having a baby. I'm supposed to be in Europe, traveling, seeing the sights, doing all the things!" 

Well. Now I'm 48 years old. My daughter is raised. I am divorced and out of that terrible, awful marriage that yes, literally made me sick, and now I'm in another relationship that is not making me sick, but also not fulfilling everything that I want and need in life. 

So here I am, at this juncture. I do not want to get to the end of my life and think, "Why didn't I at least try to live my dream?" I do not want regrets.

I need to try and fulfill this dream. I need to go to the UK or Ireland, and live there for 6 months to a year, see if it's something I want to do long term, or if it's something I can do short term - maybe I live there full time, or maybe I live there part time, or maybe I'm like, "Nah, I gave it a shot, but I didn't like, it." At least then I WILL KNOW. 

But there are so many things to consider: a job, money, the pets, leaving my friends and family, moving to a foreign country. I think of the panic attack I had when I first went to England by myself - I woke up after a nap at my B&B and almost drove myself back to the airport. "What have I done?" I thought to myself. "I am alone, in a foreign country, and I am terrified." But I roused myself, went to the pub across the street, ate dinner, read my book, and damn it, I went on to have a fantastic trip by myself. 

Will I have a panic attack if I move to the UK? You bet I will. But I will hang on. I will persevere and I will know that if I push myself, if I allow myself to absorb the world around me, explore the history and the country, and meet new people, I will love it. And if I am there for six months to a a year and can't wait to move back to the US? THEN SO BE IT.

(this is a rambling post...my apologies)

I do not think my BF is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think I've known this from the start. However, he healed my heart. He showed me that there are good men out there, men I can trust and can love. I love him - but am I in love with him? That is the question, one I have wrestled with for months now. Should a person settle with someone who doesn't make their heart soar, but who is safe and reliable? 

Sometimes, I think I need to be on my own for a year or two. No dating, no men. Just me. Focusing on my needs. I have not done that in...well. I have never done that. Never. I have never focused just on me and on what I want. I've always allowed other people and other things to get in the way.

What if I truly focused on me and lived authentically? What if I listened only to me and no one else?

I've been taught since birth that focusing on me is selfish, that I need to look out for others. 

But I think that is wrong. I think to live authentically, to truly live my life, I need to be selfish for awhile, and focus on what I want and need. Is that so wrong? I don't think so. I really don't.

The hard part of all this, of course, is how my actions will affect others. How do you tell a BF of four years that, well, I don't think you can go with me on the next part of my life's journey? That this relationship was good for both of us, and healed both our hearts from the trauma we endured before we met each other, but now we need to find people who are truly, passionately in love with us? Isn't that better all around than settling? 

God, this is hard. So, so hard. 

But I have to do this. I just have to. I can't just wish and dream anymore. I have to do. I have to try and make this a reality somehow. 

Haha. Love this. 

Oh My

 Been awhile since I posted. That's okay. I'm all about giving myself grace lately.

A few weeks ago, I decided to go off of the opioids I'd been on for three months for my chronic pain. I pretty much went cold turkey. Maybe not the smartest move because the day after I quit was horrendous. I fell into a pit of depression so black and deep that I wondered if I'd ever crawl out. But I kept thinking, 'You'll get through this. Just hold on." 

So I did. And I made it.

The last two weeks since have been significantly better. I've been working out again and even though the pain is back, I'm just trying to ignore it. Isn't that awful, though? While the opioids helped with the pain, I didn't like how they made me feel, and I suspect they were making me feel worse overall. That's why I got off of them. 

But for chronic pain patients, I know this is often not an option, and I fully support people's access to opioids for their pain. I just couldn't do it this time.

What are the options for people with chronic pain? Not much. I've tried a lot of the options out there and though I had success with one - low-dose naltrextone -  it quit working after awhile. I may try it again, though, as my body enjoys reversing course quite often.

Book Edits

I've been steadily working on editing my novel, and I've had some major breakthroughs that will make it a much better story.

Heat Wave

We had a terrible heat wave this week with temps in the low 100s. Yes, you read that right. 103, 104, and even 106 were the highs here. It was AWFUL. I felt like a prisoner in my home, unable to even go outside and enjoy watching my birds. Heck, the birds were sticking to the leafy branches and not bothering to come out and eat! The heat finally broke today and tomorrow is supposed to be around 80. I'll take it.

Scotland!

I am chomping at the bit to go to Scotland. This summer has been one of the worst of my life, and looking forward to my Scotland trip has kept me sane. 

Hell on Wheels.

I recently started watching the AMC series Hell on Wheels. Yeah, I'm late to the party - I usually am with popular shows. But I'm really enjoying the series, especially Anson Mount's performance as Cullen Bohannen. What a wonderfully complex character! The show touches upon so many interesting aspects of this time in our country - the post-Civil War landscape, the opening of the west, and the expansion of the railroad. To see the interaction between former enemies - Union vs. Confederate, or Black American vs. former slaveowner or Native American vs. the white man - is fascinating, and the actors deliver excellent performances. Lots to unpack as a writer, and to me, that's the best kind of series. 

Also? Look at this man. So handsome.

Putting On My Historian Hat

For the past four months or so, I've been fully invested in writing my fiction. I've loved (almost) every minute of it. While I let the first draft of this novel sit for a bit, I haven't been idle on the writing front. Oh no!

I will have a paper published in an edited volume on "Fascism: Then and Now," to be published by the University of Nebraska-Press sometime next year. While I wrote the paper and turned it awhile ago, I received some editorial suggestions from my professor that I've been working on. It has necessitated I turn the switch in my brain from "novelist" to "historian." 

At first, the transition nearly did me in. I've been out of graduate school for six months now, and was no longer in that mode. It was excruciating, and the cognitive dysfunction issues I have with ME/CFS didn't help. But once I started digging deeper into my research and thinking like a historian again, I began to enjoy the process. 

I'm nearly finished with the edits, and it has truly made the paper stronger. I know the same will be true once I finish editing my novel. Isn't it great that we don't have to get writing right the first time? Whew!

In Other News...

It has been gloriously cooler these past few days with temps in the high 70s and low 80s. I sat outside tonight and took some pictures of my beloved birds, and then managed a short walk. I really enjoyed it all.

My daughter started watching Vikings and though I am not hooked, I admit to watching some of it and getting pulled into the story. Plus, there are some HOT men on there. Heh.

I've managed to order some clothes for my Scotland trip and oh they are so cute! I want to be comfortable so will probably wear leggings and long tunics the entire time along with my new pair of boots. 

And speaking of Scotland...I've decided to rent a mobility scooter. I really, really don't want to, but after the terrible flare I experienced the other day (all I did was go on a nature walk!), I realized that if I don't want to end up bedridden for most of my vacation, I need to take measures to help myself. So. For the days we'll be exploring Edinburgh, I'm going to be motoring around on my scooter. I think it's the right decision. I won't necessarily use it all the time, but for those days when we do a lot of exploring? It will save my body from crashing.

I'll leave you with some bird photos from tonight!

Flare Day

 Oh ugh. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful. To show you how little it takes to put me in a flare, this is what I did yesterday:

Went shopping with my daughter for approximately one hour

Fed the birds

Took the trash can out to the curb

And that is pretty much it. 

Was it the shopping? Probably. I wasn't feeling the best as it was, but thought getting out of the house for awhile might be helpful. It was fun to hang out with my daughter. We went to a new store in the mall straight out of the 1990s - new and vintage clothing. I felt like I'd stepped back in time to my college days! I wore a lot of what they had on the racks! A guy around my age was also in there shopping with his daughter and I asked him, "Do you feel old, too?" He sure did!

But I digress.

I have a bunch of changes to make on a paper to be published in an upcoming edited volume on fascism. This is the last thing I have to do for graduate school, and I thought the paper I submitted was good - but my professor wants me to make some substantial edits. The problem? My cognitive dysfunction is at an all time high on my flare days, and I could barely make sense of his suggestions, never mind make the edits. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. However, this also made me realize I definitely made the right choice in withdrawing from the PhD program. I simply couldn't continue to think so deeply and critically on a regular basis, not with the way ME/CFS robs me of so much of my cognitive abilities. It's beyond frustrating.

ME/CFS requires we rest our bodies, but also our minds. I have an incredibly hard time with that. Our society demands we be productive at all times, and so when I can't be physically productive - cleaning house, exercising, etc. - I feel I need to be mentally productive. I need to be writing or reading or doing something that requires brain power. But doing too much of that will also lead to a crash. 

Living life is challenging in itself, but living with chronic illnesses on top of that is...well. Some days it feels impossible.

I should try and focus more on the positives. 

So.

I've been doing some shopping for my Scotland trip, and today my new boots and a new shirt I ordered arrived. I just love how they look, and trying them on made me excited all over again for my trip. It's two months away! Last night I made a list of the places I want to go in Edinburgh. I don't know if we'll be able to get to all of them - I have to build in times of rest on vacation, as well. 

On the writing front, it's been hard to set aside my novel and let it rest. I've been reading through it and making notes, plus working out some plot snarls. I think after I do that, I'll put it in a drawer for at least a week and start brainstorming the next one in the series (Thank you, Devon, for the suggestion!). I'm also trying to come up with a good title, and so far, it's been eluding me. 

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

I love these two sweet sparrows!