The End!

 A few nights ago, I wrote THE END on the first draft of my novel.

What a feeling! But finishing this particular novel (my eighth) was particularly meaningful. I wrote earlier this year about withdrawing from my PhD program and focusing on what brings me joy. I made myself a promise: I needed to pour myself into my fiction, and make it a priority.

And that's exactly what I did.

I've never written a novel this fast before. The last one took me a good four years to finish! (Well, life was in turmoil! Cheating husband, a divorce, therapy, dating, selling a house, finding my boyfriend, moving to an apartment, then moving in with my boyfriend, then grad school...YEESH.). This one, however, took me about nine months. 

Though I didn't write each night (my writing time), I did try to "touch" the novel every day, if possible: the document was always open on my laptop. Even if I just read through a chapter, or made some notes, or even wrote a few sentences, I kept my head in the story. And it worked wonderfully. 

To say this novel has been challenging to write is an understatement. I've never attempted a story like this before, and the revisions will probably be significant. But I've discovered the heart of the story in the first draft, and made some significant discoveries. Though I try and have a rough outline of the novel, it is fluid, and often changes. It certainly did this time around. I completely changed the ending, and it's so much stronger than what I'd originally planned.

I printed out all 95k words yesterday, and just holding the weight of all that paper only impressed upon me what an achievement it is to write a book. Those are my words on the page! I don't always print out my novels, but I wanted to for this one. I like to make notes and use a pen to slash through sentences or scenes I no longer need. Something about the tactile experience, I guess.

I should let it set for a few weeks, but I've already started making notes to myself and thinking of how I can change certain scenes. 

For this weekend, though, I plan to relax. The boyfriend is on a fishing trip and I want to relax. My daughter and I plan to go see the Barbie movie - a great way to escape the punishing heat wave we're in!

Clouds right before the hail storm!

Interruptions (Odds & Ends)

 Had a busy weekend. My nephew's wife is expecting, and her family hosted a baby shower for her Saturday morning. My mom stayed with me from Friday night through this morning, and I had to drive clear across town to meet her and then drop her off since she drove down with my brother. 

The baby shower was lovely, held in a quaint river town founded in 1854 with a well-kept, historic main street with mid-19th century brick buildings. My nephew's wife is just glowing in her pregnancy, feeling good, and ready for baby! It's exciting to know a new family member will be here soon. I also enjoyed talking to my niece who shared stories of raising her son who just turned two (he's pretty ornery!). and of course, it led me to reminisce about raising my daughter. She really was a good baby and though she did get into a bit of mischief, overall she was a breeze to parent.

Instead of taking the interstate home, my mom and I decided to take another route, and we passed by fields of corn, pristine farms with red and white barns, and hilly, green countryside. We relaxed the rest of the afternoon, went for ice cream after supper, then sat outside and talked and talked, while watching the birds and the foxes. I didn't sleep well last night, was up far too early, and had to take my mom back to meet my brother so they could head home. I took a long nap this afternoon and my body is just exhausted.

So. No writing for me this weekend, though I may try tonight if I can stay awake long enough. I'm not beating myself up about not writing, either, as it was more important to me to spend time with my mom and enjoy her company than work on my novel. 

I'm in a good spot with the manuscript, and plan to finish it this week. I have a big project to tackle at work - not looking forward to that - but otherwise, no big plans for tomorrow. Weather is supposed to be atrocious - in the high 90s and breaking 100 degrees several days. No, no, no. That is why I desperately want to move to Scotland for the summer each and every year - my body cannot handle these temperatures, and neither can my emotional health. 

I'm going back to physical therapy for my pelvic pain. Have a month of appointments booked. None of my doctors bothered to tell me the consequences of all the pelvic surgeries I've had - namely the scar tissue - that has now become incredibly problematic. Going in to remove it will do nothing as it will just come back, so it's intense physical therapy probably once a year for...well, who knows?

I have a paper due on August 1 for an edited volume on fascism - the last remaining project of my PhD studies. I am trying to pare it down to 9k words and have only about 400 words yet to cut. I can do it! (I hope). 

Oddly enough, I don't miss graduate school. I enjoyed class discussions and researching my topic (which I feel is very, very timely), but I truly feel I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing: writing my fiction. I made a promise to myself to focus solely on it, something I haven't done for probably 20 years. Instead, I've always had other writing projects on the go: nonfiction articles, nonfiction books, freelance book reviews, and other freelance projects. It is rather nice just to focus on my fiction. My day job as an editorial assistant doesn't involve much writing, but it does involve proofreading and copyediting.

It feels good to have kept my promise to myself! I've never written a novel this fast before - and I'm rather proud of myself for how quickly it's come together. It will need some substantial editing, but I know I can turn this book into an incredible story. It has a hell of a hook and I'm very hopeful it will catch an agent's heart. This time around, I want a literary agent who will be just as excited about my work as I am. I feel that's crucial.

Here's a few pictures of my backyard birds! I so enjoy watching them. 

Nearly There

Last night I hit the 90k word mark on my novel. What an achievement! Even better, the scene I wrote wasn't anything I had planned - the characters took over and did what they wanted. 

I've never written a novel this fast before. But after I decided to withdraw from my PhD program, I made a promise to dedicate myself to my passion: writing fiction. And I've kept that promise. I'm really proud of myself for doing that. My goal is to have the novel finished by the end of the month. Totally doable. 

Since I'm planning a sequel to this novel, however, part of this draft's revisions process will include adding certain elements that weren't there before. When I came up with the idea for this novel, I didn't even think about it being a series so didn't include the plotting for that in the original outline. 

Isn't it fantastic that we can go back and change anything we want in our stories? Polish our words? Tear apart scenes and rewrite them? This knowledge should make it easier for us to write the first draft, yet our brain still think we need it to be perfect. Instead, it tells us to get it right the first time. Hmph. However, I'm looking forward to the revision process because that's where I can really dig in to the meat of the story. 

In Other News...

1) I have started going to physical therapy again for my pelvic issues. I've had so many surgeries and issues in that region that scar tissue is now my constant companion. Of course, none of my doctors told me I'd be dealing with this after my hysterectomy, or the oopherectomy, etc. Nope. Had to find out the hard way. But the one bright spot is that my physical therapist is AMAZING. We talk and laugh a lot, and when I told her I was taking a trip to Scotland, she told me all about how she lived in Edinburgh in college for awhile as part of an exchange program with UNL. She said it's her favorite place ever, and encouraged me to go for my goal of living in Scotland or somewhere else in the UK or Ireland a few months out of the year every year. "Life is too short," she said. "Do it!" 

2) I also expressed my health concerns to her about my trip to Scotland. She told me to do activities that didn't require a lot of walking. Before I talked to her, I was bound and determined to just be independent and not go on any tours - but just organize my outings all by myself. In other words, my pride was getting in the way.  Well. Last night I booked a bus tour of the Highlands of Scotland. Let someone else drive! I want to enjoy myself. While I do anticipate doing a fair amount of walking in Edinburgh, I will pace myself accordingly, and if necessary, rent a little electric scooter. My daughter and I are also going to take a few other day trips outside of Edinburgh by train.

3) Tonight, I was so fortunate to be able to pet the soft, fuzzy feathers of a fledgling sparrow. He has been hanging out on my back patio for the last few days, and has let me get quite close to him. So I decided to see if I could pet him, and he allowed it. So cool. He's just figuring out how this world works - I see him flying short distances and pecking at the bird seed, and wouldn't it be awesome if he hung around here and decided to eat bird seed out of my hand one day? I sure hope so. 

Keep Going

Throughout the years, I've stated numerous times my struggle with summer. Depression always lurks under the surface, and comes out often to torment me. However, this summer feels particularly cruel, and I think I've figured out why.

The novel I'm currently writing is unlike any I've undertaken before. It's time travel historical fiction, and my character travels from 2019 to 1940. While I like to stretch out of my comfort zone, it's proving more difficult than I anticipated. 

Which has led directly to darkening my mood.

Writing comes with incredible highs and terrible lows. Usually, the highs more than make up for the lows. I don't think, though, that I've ever had such lows as I've encountered with writing this particular novel, and I know it's because it's challenging me. 

But oh, I feel like it is the worst dreck I've ever written. Of course, I almost always feel this way after every novel I've written. This one, however, feels far worse. I don't feel confident in the story and how I've told it. Knowing I can change it and improve it keeps me going. It doesn't do much for my mood, though.

The only way to fix it is to keep moving forward, to keep writing, no matter how awful it sounds, to fill the blank page. I'll then set it aside for awhile, try not to think about it, and then in a few weeks or a month, I'll look at it with fresh eyes. Beta readers will be absolutely essential, too. I feel far too close to the story right now.

As far as my mood goes, well, I'll just use the tools in my toolbox! Last night I did some coloring, and today I've watched some fun movies, including one of my favorites, Disney's Robin Hood. It's stupid hot outside so I won't be going for a walk, though perhaps I'll feel good enough to get on the treadmill later.

I have to keep reminding myself this is temporary. Summer will pass, I'll finish the novel, and my mood will lift. 

The Writer and Her Characters

 The main character of my current WIP is damaged. She grew up with an abusive, narcissistic mother who constantly told her she was useless and pathetic. As a result, she doesn't think herself capable of following her dreams. She feels invisible, unimportant, and unworthy. Anxiety is her constant companion, and she suffers from panic attacks. A suicide attempt finally propelled her to start therapy, but she's got a long ways to go.

Despite what she thinks, she's incredibly strong. She just doesn't know it or believe it.

I've never written a character like her before. Usually, my female characters are strong-willed, independent, and know exactly what they want in life. Yes, they have their issues - some of them pretty severe - but they never once doubt their strength. They relentlessly pursue their goals and dreams, and of course, I as the author put lots of obstacles in their path to prevent them from achieving them.

But my current character isn't like that - yet. That's part of her journey and transformation in this novel. Writing that journey, however, is a challenge. It's one I accept, and it's been very fulfilling to see her grow and blossom. 

I usually identify pretty strongly with my main characters, but I'm struggling a bit with this one, and I think I figured out why. Since an early age, I have been extremely fortunate to know what I've wanted to do with my life. I decided I wanted to be a novelist at the tender age of 12, and I've been pursuing that career ever since. I also always wanted to do something in the history field, which is why I earned two degrees. 

But I realize many of us don't have a career path mapped out. Some go to college and change majors several times as they figure out what they do and don't want to do. Others earn a degree in something and then never use it, going into a completely different career. Still others dabble in several different jobs and even in middle age still feel like they're searching for their path.  My boyfriend is one of them. He's told me several times, "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up." That idea is so foreign to me that it's hard for me to wrap my head around. I guess that's why I'm struggling a bit with writing my character.

This squirrel found something very interesting in the neighbor's backyard...

And yet...isn't that one of the great gifts of writing fiction? We can step into someone else's shoes and experience their life. To do it properly, however, we need to observe and research as much as we can. Our imagination can fill in the gaps.

I realized last night just how much this novel is challenging me. I've never written anything like it before. It's scary, but also thrilling - which is a pretty great way to describe the writing life. 

This Writing Life

For weeks now, I've been in a bit of a funk over the novel. I'm writing the climax and the ending right now and it's a slog (as I've shared before). I also am not in love with the ending I have planned.

But something incredible happened last night.

An alternative ending hit me like the proverbial lightning bolt, and it is so damn good. Of course, like most of my ideas, they come to me while I'm trying to fall asleep, and this one was no different. I grabbed my phone and opened the Notes app, madly typing in the new idea. I fell into a blissful sleep and in my dream, I remember being excited to share my new idea with my daughter. Haha!

When I woke up this morning, and remembered my idea, I was absolutely giddy. That high carried me through the entire day, and it made me once again realize how wonderful this writing life is. All those days of worry and doubt and frustration are worth it when I feel like I did today. 

Now, of course, I'm worried I won't be able to pull it off, and the ol' inner editor has re-emerged from under its bridge to torment me again. I really want to write tonight but resistance is winning. Steven Pressfield defines resistance as: "an energy field radiating from a work-in-potential. It’s a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, prevent us from doing our work.”

While some days the resistance is minimal, other days, like today, its weighing heavily on me, like a basket of rocks hanging around my neck. I think it's because I came up with that great idea, I was excited to write, and Resistance was having none of it. It keeps telling me, "Oh, you'll never be able to pull it off. You'll fail. It won't work. Might as well not even try."

Fighting Resistance is a daily battle. Every single time I sit down to write, it is there, sitting on my shoulder, laughing at me, ridiculing me.

But I do not think it will win tonight. I love this story, and the new idea I came up with will bring it to another level. I can do this. I know I can do this.

This writing life...so full of ups and downs, of wins and losses, an ongoing psychological battle with the Self. I sometimes wonder why I do it. Why be tormented? Why put myself through this every single day? Because I must. I am a writer. It's who I am.

In Other News...

1) I'm in desperate need of a writing community. Years ago, I belonged to my local RWA chapter. I really enjoyed our meetings and our retreats, and having the support and camaraderie of other writers. Then RWA started going in a direction I didn't like, so I quit the national organization, and quit the local group. I also stopped writing straight romance (my novels will always have some type of romance in them, but it's not the main focus).

For years, I've tried to find an online writing community. I tried to start my own writing group, and that fizzled pretty quickly. Online forums had too many people. Instagram and Twitter are great, but I needed more.

So, I decided to join The Writers Flow Studio, a monthly membership-based group, run by Rhonda with Resilient Writers. I'd watched one of Rhonda's presentations during a writing summit and really enjoyed it. The more than forty masterclasses alone are worth the reasonable monthly fee! But there are so many more offerings that drew me to this community: visiting writers, weekly writing sessions via Zoom, a private FB group, accountability challenges, and more. I am excited to have a writing community again!

2) I took a walk last night AND TONIGHT. Holy wow! Am I starting to come out of this months' long flare?!? I sure do hope so! It also helped that the weather has been in the 70s the last few days. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 72!

3) I spontaneously took tomorrow (Friday) off from work. I have tons of vacation time, and I'll be using some of it for my Scotland vacation. But sometimes, you have to take a day off just because.

Alrighty! I think writing this post has primed the pump, so to speak, so off I go to work on the novel!

When It Works

Well what do you know. When I follow a routine, turn off the TV, close social media tabs on my laptop, put on some music, and actually focus, I can get a lot of writing done.

Last night's writing session started off with me wanting to tear my hair out, but I kept at it. Soon, I dove into the heart of my scene, and the words flew. I managed to write 1700 words. I haven't done that in a long time!

I needed it. I needed to lose myself in my story, reconnect with my characters, and tell my inner editor to jump off a bridge. Of course, the inner editor always  crawls out of whatever hole I've exiled it to, and it worms its way into my brain again. It's persistent.

But then again, so am I.

With Twitter's recent issues again, staying off of it has been fairly easy. Some people have started social media accounts on other, similar sites in case Twitter truly implodes, but I don't think I will. My mood is much better not being on that app all day, and becoming involved with stupid debates with stupid people.

Usually after a big writing session, I feel somewhat drained the next day. I've fiddled with my manuscript a bit, added a few things, but I don't think I'll have another 1700 writing session tonight. But ideas for scenes keep coming which means when I sit down to write again, I'll know where to start. 

In Other News...

1) For the last two mornings, I've found one of my suet feeders laying on the ground, completely empty. I have a sneaking suspicion one of my backyard foxes is the culptit. I had no idea they liked suet! Until I can figure out another solution, I'll have to move it every night. This isn't sustainable, of course, but I'm betting my boyfriend will have some ideas.

2) Since the 4th of July is only a few days away, people are shooting off fireworks. Blitz and Slick hate the noise. LuLu doesn't care. We're not doing anything special for the holiday - probably grill some hot dogs, and eat some potato salad and baked beans. Fine by me! I have no desire to be around people right now.

3) Last night I realized that if I didn't start taking regular walks again, I'd be in a world of hurt come October's Scotland trip. I need to recondition myself. So! With that in mind, I actually felt good enough today to jump on the treadmill and do some toning exercises. My body craved movement, and when I finished, I felt fantastic! Here's hoping I don't pay for it tomorrow...