Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Back to Reality
I'm back home.
Wow. It's been a very emotional, hectic, and altogether hard few days. The funeral for my grandfather was this morning and my family and I returned home this afternoon - my very dear husband made the drive twice in 24 hours. He and the kids came for the funeral last night and arrived in western Nebraska after 10 p.m., then we hit the road again about 2 p.m. this afternoon.
I'm exhausted. I have so many thoughts jumbling through my head that I'm not sure that I'm ready to put them into words yet, but rest assured, I will. I've had memories of my grandfather swirling in my mind ever since everything happened. Every time I close my eyes and go to sleep, he is there.
I was very fortunate to be able to stay with my grandmother throughout the last few days and help her where she needed help and just be with her so that she wasn't alone. I absolutely cherish the time we had together and I think our bond is stronger than ever. She is one of the strongest women I know - an absolute inspiration to me.
I never knew all that was involved with planning a funeral, but now I do. I never knew how you can be remembering your loved one with a smile and a laugh one second, and be crying the next. I also never knew how much you could accomplish on so little sleep and still have a smile on your face. :-)
Here's the thing, though - I don't think I've properly grieved yet. I don't think I've had the time to really be by myself and cry. And that's something I need to do. But I need to be alone to do it. That's how my grieving process works. So I know that some day soon, when the adrenaline has retreated, when I start getting back to the "normalcy" of life, I will cry and sob and wail. And that's ok. Like my sister-in-law (another incredibly strong woman) told me today, "It's ok to cry. Let yourself cry." And I know I will.
For now, I'm just trying to regroup. We got home and found that the washing machine had conked out, one of the cats had snuck into the bedroom and gotten trapped while hubby was gone, so there was a mess to clean there (and NO WASHING MACHINE), and then my cat decided that he was waaaay too excited to see me and had to show his love by upchucking in my office.
I also know that getting back to reality means getting back to the diet and exercise. I ate way too much bad food while I was at home because people generally do not bring healthy food by to the family when a loved one passes - they bring cake and cookies and rolls and donuts...and I didn't have the will power to say no. Thus, the treadmill will be put to use very soon.
For now, I'm planning to ease back into things, to allow myself the time I need to grieve, and the time to get back into the day job, the writing, and being a parent. The kids start school soon and there's all sorts of things to do for that.
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