The grieving process is strange. Today, I found some videos I'd taken of Charlie and managed not to cry when I watched them. But then later, his loss hit me again and I just sobbed.
A part of me is gone. It's hard to explain this feeling to non-pet owners. But I feel like a tiny part of my heart is missing.
It will take me awhile to work through this and I'm sure there will be more tears. I can't believe how painful this whole thing is. That dog was with me everywhere. Even now, I catch a glimpse of a black shadow and I think it's him. I hear my other dog's tags jingle and I immediately think it's Charlie. I reach down beside my bed at night and can almost feel him there. That's where he always slept - right beside me. That's where he always wanted to be - right beside me.
It's hard to define such loyalty and devotion. It's unconditional. That's what Charlie's love was for me. Unconditional. There were so many times that I needed him and he was there. So many times when I wasn't feeling good and my husband would let Charlie into the house to come sit beside me and I would immediately feel better because Charlie was there.
I've lost that and I can never get it back. That hurts. Incredibly bad.
Still, life must go on. Our other dog, Tiny, is sitting underneath my desk right now, in the spot where Charlie always used to sit. He knows something is amiss and I don't mind his company. It's not the same, never will be, but that's ok.
I know this will take some time. I don't know how much time. And that's ok, too. I need to allow myself to have all the time in the world I need.
Thanks again for all your good thoughts and wishes and prayers. It all helps, believe me.
I've got a new home on the web - stop by if you get a chance! www.melissamarsh.net
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