Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Grief

The grieving process is strange. Today, I found some videos I'd taken of Charlie and managed not to cry when I watched them. But then later, his loss hit me again and I just sobbed.

A part of me is gone. It's hard to explain this feeling to non-pet owners. But I feel like a tiny part of my heart is missing.

It will take me awhile to work through this and I'm sure there will be more tears. I can't believe how painful this whole thing is. That dog was with me everywhere. Even now, I catch a glimpse of a black shadow and I think it's him. I hear my other dog's tags jingle and I immediately think it's Charlie. I reach down beside my bed at night and can almost feel him there. That's where he always slept - right beside me. That's where he always wanted to be - right beside me.

It's hard to define such loyalty and devotion. It's unconditional. That's what Charlie's love was for me. Unconditional. There were so many times that I needed him and he was there. So many times when I wasn't feeling good and my husband would let Charlie into the house to come sit beside me and I would immediately feel better because Charlie was there.

I've lost that and I can never get it back. That hurts. Incredibly bad.

Still, life must go on. Our other dog, Tiny, is sitting underneath my desk right now, in the spot where Charlie always used to sit. He knows something is amiss and I don't mind his company. It's not the same, never will be, but that's ok.

I know this will take some time. I don't know how much time. And that's ok, too. I need to allow myself to have all the time in the world I need.

Thanks again for all your good thoughts and wishes and prayers. It all helps, believe me.

4 comments:

  1. Grief is a process. There's a misconception that you have a funeral or a memorial service, and you walk out and everything's okay, when, in reality, it's merely a step in the process.

    Perhaps a celebration of Charlie's life will help, in the moment.

    But you will miss him, and you will grieve. And even when the daily grief passes, sometimes it will hit you in waves.

    I still grieve every one of my darling pets that have left, at one time or another.

    Know that you are loved and you have support in this process. Whatever we can do to help, we will.

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  2. Oh, my! I only just saw this. You poor love. Be nice to yourself and remember the good times. I'm truly sorry for your all, and even more sorry that I only saw it today.

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  3. Re: Tiny - yeah, animals are very, very perceptive. After Scotty died, George moved right onto the bed with us all the time and even started to sleep on the spot on my legs Scotty used to occupy. It was as though he knew he now had two cat jobs to do, not just one.

    Part of you will always be with Charlie, but your heart will heal as well. It's what Charlie would want.

    Big hugs {{{{{}}}}}}

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