Growth

Lately, I've felt the need to do a lot of inner work on myself. We all carry baggage from our past, some of us more than others, and I don't know of anyone who had a perfect childhood with perfect parents. Humanity is comprised of broken people, and we pass on traits and ideas and behaviors sometimes without even knowing it. The same can be said for our society. The patriarchy, capitalism, religion, body idealism, and on and on infuse us with thoughts and beliefs that guide our behavior and our lives. 

I've been focusing a lot on how the patriarchy has shaped my life, and I've been studying a new feminist idea called "de-centering men." For most women, we grew up taught - whether by society or the media we consumed, or by our parents and families and friends - that we would not be happy or fulfilled in life unless we found love, got married, and had children. Those ideas were firmly ingrained in my brain. As a kid, I played house, had dolls, and fantasized about finding the man of my dreams and having a big wedding. Women often put our dreams on hold, our own wants and needs, and we pursue a relationship, a marriage, a family, making men the center of our world. And if we don't, somehow there's something wrong with us. We become "spinsters" or "crazy cat ladies" and "old maids." Presumably, dying alone, with no children and no great love, is somehow a calamity, and we've wasted our lives.

But even if that marriage turns sour and we get divorced, many of us still think that giant hole in our heart can only be filled by a man. It's part of our DNA. Having a man equals happiness, and we center our happiness and our very lives around men.

Oh boy. Is that ever messed up.

I absolutely believed all of this. From a young age, I yearned to have a relationship (partly because I had a distant father and craved male attention), and I developed heartbreaking crushes on boys in my school and celebrities. The yearning I felt to be loved, to be special, to be seen by a man dominated my life. 

I had a few serious relationships in college, but tried to keep my dreams alive. I kept writing. I traveled. But finding a relationship and keeping a man became my number one priority. Isn't that awful? Yet it's what so many women have been brought up to believe. And who can blame us? For so many of us, our mothers raised us to be this way. They raised us to learn how to take care of men, to do the chores, to raise the kids, to put ourselves second, third, and fourth. If we were raised in evangelical Christianity, it was even worse. A woman's place was in the home. She was to be an obedient wife and a loving mother, and she was to follow her husband since he was the head of the household. The man was the center of our universe.

When I met my now ex-husband, I had applied to graduate school at the College of William and Mary. I remember receiving a letter in the mail that told me I'd neglected to include one letter of recommendation. 

I threw that letter away.

I wasn't going to Virginia, or graduate school, because I was in love. I had found my happily ever after, and he became the center of my universe. We married within six months, and my daughter was a honeymoon baby. I fell into my role as wife and mother and stepmother, and for the next 18 years, I wondered why I was so miserable. I tried to keep my dreams alive - and worked my tail off writing and publishing and doing freelance while working full time and arguing and fighting and being abused and...

Sigh.

After the marriage ended, I didn't want to date for a long, long time. I didn't trust men, didn't want one near me. But that changed, of course, and I started dating again, eager to fill that hole in my heart with a man. Even though I went through therapy and thought that I only wanted a man, and didn't need a man, to complete me, it hadn't sank into my DNA, hadn't changed my DNA. I still believed a man would fulfill me, make me happy, that I needed to be in a relationship so I didn't end up as a spinster. Gasp!

I found a good man and for awhile, I was happy. But you know what I was doing? Ignoring myself and my needs and what I wanted to do with my life.

And then something started to shift inside me. Maybe it was turning 48 that did it. But I suddenly realized I wasn't happy, and I wasn't fulfilled. I had a good man who respected me and loved me and most certainly did not abuse me. But I still felt like I was losing myself.

I don't like who I become when I'm in a relationship. Trauma informs some of that, but so does the "centering men" narrative that I grew up with. 

Let me give you an example.

I wanted to go for a walk by myself the other day. Usually my boyfriend and I walk together, but I needed and wanted some time alone. So I went downstairs and told him I was going on a walk.

"You want me to come with you?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "I want to be alone."

And I interpreted his subdued response as him being upset and possibly angry, and I blurted, "Is that okay?"

That incident has stayed with me. Of course it was okay that I took a walk by myself, and of course he was fine with it. But in that moment, I felt like I'd lost my power, my ability to stand up for myself, and it always seems to happen when I'm in a relationship. I become subservient, centering the man's emotions over my own, allowing his reactions to dictate my decisions.

And I can't do it anymore.

I want and need to be single for a long, long time. I don't want a significant other. Not now. Not until I have deconstructed all of this stuff - patriarchy, religion, etc. - and learned to be fulfilled on my own. And even then? Maybe. I don't know if I'll ever want to live with a man again, though.

Personal growth is super hard, but I have too many dreams and adventures that I want to follow to stay where I am. And I don't want to ask permission, or wait for my partner's job to be compatible with where I want to go and what I want to do, before I pursue them.

I want to dedicate myself more to my writing, to really open up that well inside of me and dig as deep as I can. I want to put myself - and my passion for writing - first in my life, not a man.

All of this requires some really hard choices, and must be handled carefully. That's exactly why I made an appointment with my therapist! I need advice and support.

Honestly? I'm surprised to be here, thinking of these things, pulling apart the knots tightened inside of me as the years have gone by. And I'm damn proud of myself for doing this inner work.  I know too many women who stay stuck in this cycle of centering men in their life. 

But more and more women are finding out that they are much happier and more content being single. Some are choosing to be child-free, to be relationship-free, and they're living wonderful, fulfilling lives. And there are some women who are very happy and content in their marriages, and love their role as wife and mother. We much each make our own path.

Will there be a relationship in my future? Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I am creating a new life for me and for no one else. That's what matters.