Living in the Present

During my therapy appointment last week, I talked about my incessant need to escape whatever circumstance I currently find myself in. As a kid, I couldn't wait to escape the family farm in western Nebraska and the nearby small town where I went to school. I wanted adventures! I wanted to go and see the world! So after I graduated high school, off I went to college, and found opportunities to travel. After college graduation, I even tried to go to graduate school in Ireland and looked for a career in tourism so I could travel the world. And then I ended up meeting the man who would be my husband (now ex) and well, my wanderlust had to take a backseat as I raised my children. I still found time to travel. 18 years later, after the divorce, I took even more trips. 

And last year, feeling the need to escape once more, I packed up everything I owned and moved to Virginia. Finally, I thought, I could just settle and enjoy my new life. Easy, right? 

Hardly.

I still dream of escaping, of achieving my lifelong goal of living in the UK, a place I love so very much. But I also love where I live now. So why can't I just be content?

This is incredibly frustrating for me. I've made this huge life change, and I'm already thinking of the next move. Why can't I just settle for awhile, put down some roots, make new friends, become a part of this community, and enjoy where I live? There is so much to see and do here, and so much I want to explore not just in Virginia, but the entire east coast. 

 While my therapist gave me some good ideas on how to deal with this, it was my partner who cracked it open for me. He told me that I spend a lot of time in the past with my focus on history, and a lot of time in the future always thinking about my next move. 

"Why don't you live in the present for awhile?" he suggested.

Goodness. He was absolutely right. 

While I am not letting go of my dream to move to the UK some day (or at least live there part-time), I'm also going to focus much more on the present. On Saturday, I went down to Colonial Williamsburg to write. As I sat outside in the Merchant's Square, I loved being around all these people - tourists and locals alike - and knowing that this is my home now, and I can come here whenever I want!  And tonight, I went on a nature walk on my local trail, and managed to snap some gorgeous pictures of the autumn foliage and wildlife. 

Living in the present will take some work. I love to be at home and cocoon myself from the world. Therefore, I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself because yes, I love to go out and explore, but it also takes an effort to do so. I'm always glad when I do, however! (Sometimes I hate my brain).

Like so many other things in life, I need balance. I just wish I could be consistent with it!

On Writing

I've started my ninth novel. It's been slow-going, and that's because I'm writing the first draft with my head and not my heart...which is totally backwards. I need to just tell the inner editor to shut up and let me get the words on the page! Part of my problem is that I want this novel to be a different tone/voice than my other novels. I don't know if it's possible, though, as I feel hamstrung. Not good. But I'll figure it out!