How to Give a Successful Agent Pitch in 20 Easy Steps

You, too, can give a successful agent pitch by following these twenty easy steps!

1) Watch tension-filled U.S. Open tennis match between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic.

2) Eat two Dark Dove Chocolates.

3) Continue watching tension-filled tennis match, scream, "Yes!" when Federer makes a good shot, fall back on bed in jubilation, and almost choke on piece of Dove Dark Chocolate.

4) Realize death by chocolate is not as becoming as it sounds.

5) Floss teeth to make sure there is nothing to distract agent from billiance of your book.

6) Clutch your stomach when it starts rolling one hour before agent appointment.

7) Walk around hotel room "pitching" to thin air and realize you will never remember it all.

8) Decide to wing it.

9) Arrive ten minutes before appointment and wait with group of other agent-pitching writers.

10) Smell fear in air and determine to overcome by rocking back in chair and hoping it doesn't tip

11) Walk into room with agent, shake hand, introduce self

12) Realize with horror that agent is not asking any questions, but expects polished pitch

13) Mind goes blank

14) Frantically search for something to say, babble

15) Relieved when agent asks me a question

16) Spirits lift when agent is very interested in my writing-related freelance work

17) Forget about terrible novel pitch

18) Shocked when agent requests first two chapters of forgotten novel and wonders if it is out of pity

19) Stumble out of room, realize have done it

20) Buy diet Pepsi and pack of trail mix to celebrate

See? Easy!