Got Health?

No, I don't. I don't have health. I haven't been healthy in five years. And now I'm going to complain about it. A lot. Loudly.

I don't really want sympathy (although chocolate would be nice), but as this is a blog and thus my personal thoughts and feelings, I'm going to vent.

It all began two months after I gave birth to my daughter five years ago. Tired of the side effects from the birth control pills, I decided to try something new - the Depo Provera shot. "Birth control you only have to think about four times a year!" Yeah, that sounded good, especially since I kept forgetting to take those pesky pink pills.

I was young (just turned 25) and, might I say, rather stupid of how the medical profession works. Besides, my cycle was back to normal, I was losing the pregnancy weight, and I had a beautiful, healthy baby.

But that day in the doctor's office, as I asked the nurse if this shot would cause me to gain weight ("Maybe a little, but if you watch what you eat, you'll be fine), I never knew that five minutes of convenience would bring me five years of hell.

The most noticeable of all was the weight gain. You don't go from a size 9 to a size 16 in one year. You just don't. I gained 50 pounds in a year. A year! I couldn't wear long sleeve shirts because they made me too hot - even in the winter. During the summer, I barely stepped foot outside because I just couldn't handle the heat. My cycle went haywire and I never knew when it would stop and when it would start. Sometimes it wouldn't stop - not for days and days.

I went to the doctor and he thought it was my thyroid. I told him about the shot and he said, "Yeah, I hate that shot. I tried to talk my wife out of taking it." But he never said, "Oh, yes, that is what is causing your problems." He just put me on medication for hypothroidism.

For the next year or so, I explored other alternatives as my weight continued to spiral and my self-esteem plummeted. I sought the advice of a natural doctor who charged me over $200 for a bunch of herbal supplements. Great, more pills! I went to my gynecologist and told him about the shot - he looked at me over the top of his glasses, pursed his lips, and said nothing.

Headaches, blinding headaches, irritability, hot flashes, hormone imbalance, tightness in my neck and shoulders, weird cycles...it kept going.

After I moved across the state to go to graduate school, I sought out yet another doctor. She diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and put me on some more medication. The main components of this syndrome are 1) ovarian cysts (which I have) and 2) insulin resistance (which they've now found that Depo causes).

When I asked her if the Depo shot had anything to do with my health, she said absolutely not - she hated that shot because it messes up your cycles.

YET - as I continued to look on the internet and interact with people who had had this hot, the correlation between women with PCOS and those who had taken the Depo shot was frightening. There IS a connection - I'm positive. But getting someone in the medical community to admit it will likely never happen.

Five years after taking that shot, I am still not right. I can't wear the cute little clothes I used to, even after I had my daughter. I hate looking at my body in the mirror. I hate all the medications I take. I hate the blinding headaches I get. I hate the lack of energy I have, hate even more that I have to force myself to exercise and sometimes feel worse when I'm done. I hate the constant trips to the doctor.

But most of all...

MOST OF ALL...

I hate the anger. I am so angry at myself for taking that shot without doing my research. I'm so angry that it affected me so terribly, that it took my health away so quickly. I'm so angry that the medical profession and the pharmaceutical companies are getting rich off this stuff. I know some women do fine on it and that's great - but I wasn't one of them. And the more I hear, the more I know I'm not alone.

So the question remains: "What are you gonna do 'bout it, Mel?"

Y'know, it takes energy to embark on the weight loss/get healthy journey. You have to get your mind in the right place to do it. And the way I feel all the time just makes me want to curl under a blanket and sleep when I get home.

I've been trying to walk more, watch what I eat, but my eating habits are so tied in to my emotions that I blow my "lifestyle change" eating habits more often than not.

I'm looking at another visit to the doctor next week and my husband just shakes his head. He just wants me to get WELL, no matter how much it costs. And to tell you the truth, I don't even want to add up my medical expenses since that fateful day five years ago.

I've thought about going completely natural - health food kick! But you know what? I'm poor. I can't afford to go to those health food stores or even buy the stuff at Wal-Mart. Plus I've got four other mouths to feed.

Excuses, excuses, I know!

I'm not a patient person when it comes to weight loss. And I *must* get that mindset if I want to be successful.

But with my metabolism/hormones/insulin resistance/whatever-the-hell-is-wrong being out of whack, it's twice as hard to lose the weight.

Or maybe I am just a really really really big wuss.

I've lost the weight before - running stairs and working out with my brother (who was a college athlete). Ten pounds in a month. That's about right. I had the mindset then. I also wasn't working, didn't have my husband at home (who is a terrific cook), and had tons of free time.

But how do I get that mindset back?

One way or the other, I've got to figure it out.

I'm A New Fan!

Of Christian Bale, that is.

Hubby and I went to see Batman Begins last night and...oh my. That man is very hot. And sexy. Oh yeah - he's a good actor, too. ;-)

But more than Christian Bale, the movie was absolutely wonderful. Bale did an excellent job of conveying the angst of Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. Batman. I feel like I know the character much better than from the previous movies.

Supposedly they're going to make this the "new" Batman series that will follow much more closely to the comic books and fiction books.

So yeah, I didn't get any writing done last night, but hubby brought me home Chinese and took me to the show. Not a bad evening at all!

In other news...

I've let the whole career thing settle into my brain for awhile. I want to mull it over, see exactly what I want to do with my life. Thanks so much for all your comments. You're right - I AM using my degree - just not in the way I envisioned. Our state historical society is here in town and I'd love to volunteer, but I just don't have the time to do so - especially when I'm not getting paid. I've always said that if I win the lottery, I'd love to volunteer at a museum or historical society. But there's always those darn bills to pay...

Hubby is going to look at jobs, etc. after my stepsons go to Kentucky to see their mom for a month and a half. Right now, we've got a nice weekend getaway planned - we love to just rent a hotel that has a swimming pool and stay the night. It's just downtown from where we live, but it's something fun to do and relatively inexpensive. The boys leave on Tuesday, so we want to spend as much time with them as we can.

As for me - I'm hoping to get a bit of writing in tonight. :-)

Musing About the Future

After my rant of yesterday, hubby and I unfortunately got into an argument last night. His biggest fear is not being able to find work. My husband doesn't really have a "career" right now. He joined the army right out of high school, served as a medic in the first Gulf War, and then worked in Europe for another eight years doing various oddities.

His skills are tremendous. He has no problem finding work. But as far as a career goes - well, that's a different story.

We are very different in these two areas. I earned my BA and MA in History. I'm not using my degrees right now. Which is okay - for awhile - but I'm itching to somehow combine my history and my writing into one career.

Hubby doesn't have a degree. He's had several jobs, but nothing as far as a career.

We might be at an impasse on this whole issue. I hope not, but darn...I don't want to live in the same town the rest of my life. Granted, I moved clear across the state to go to grad school, but I still live in Nebraska. I've never lived anywhere else. I want to change that.

Hubby is thinking of going to school now - unfortunately, his G.I. bill benefits have run out - it's been too long. But when they take a look at our income, any college is going to be more than happy to give us money! LOL

I keep thinking...if I could just get my writing career off the ground, we'd be okay. We could move anywhere and I could write full-time.

But I want something more. I want to be able to use my history career - even if it is part-time as a volunteer.

The saga continues...

A Little Agitated...

On a whim, I recently applied for a job with Colonial Wiliamsburg. I thought I had an interview - but it turns out my stepson wrote down the wrong number and the wrong company. I still don't know who called me, but I figured it must have been CW since I haven't applied with anyone else since I started this job. But it wasn't.

I was quite excited by the prospect of possibly working at Colonial Williamsburg. It's my dream job. And what's more - I would be using my master's degree.

I just got off the phone with my husband and said he didn't have to worry about the potential to move to Virginia anymore since there was no interview. He said he was never worried about it.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we can't just up and move."

I remained silent on the phone and quickly turned the topic of discussion to something different.

Here's why I'm mad. My husband lived in Europe for eight years. He traveled all over. He's had adventures. And now it's like - he's done. He doesn't want to move again, doesn't want to uproot anymore. I understand that.

But what about me?

I have this MA degree that I'm not using. I long to be where the history that I love is. That means either New England or England. But sometimes I feel like I will never be able to pursue my dreams unless I do it right in the town I'm living in now. And the opportunities I want to pursue are NOT HERE.

I've traveled to England. I've traveled several places around the United States. But I haven't even begun to tap all the places I want to see.

I greatly fear that if I want to make a big career move, like moving halfway across the country, I will be doing it by myself. I don't want to do that again.

Sigh..................

I don't want to give up on my dreams. I don't want to stay in this town the rest of my life. If I am given an opportunity somewhere, I want to take it. But is that being selfish?

I guess what bothers me the most is the dismissal I feel from my husband. He knows how badly I want to move to Virginia or England and find a job in the history profession. But yet...I don't think he will make the move with me. I understand that he's done a great deal of moving in his life (and he's only 33), but darn it - should I sacrifice my dreams so he doesn't have to pull up roots again?

Another sigh.......

I just devoured a bag of M&M's - (thankfully, a small one!).

Revelation!

Well, it's not really a revelation 'cuz I'm sure all you gals know - if the husband and kids are gone for a few days, you get A LOT accomplished.

I still had my daughter with me this weekend but we had such a great time. We just returned from a long walk and she's outside playing with the dogs (oops - just dog - the big one, Tiny Bear, just snuck into the house. He likes to sit on the cool basement floor).

Went out to lunch with my brother and had a nice time. He's a history buff like me, but he only has a BA. I don't think he'll get his MA - says he doesn't like school. And really, who can blame him? I loved going back to grad school for the first semester - after that, nope. I remembered that I hated studying for tests and doing papers because I had to, not because I wanted to. Big difference. I really enjoyed going to class just to learn new stuff. But I hated taking notes for tests, etc.

Had a moment of panic when my husband's pick-up wouldn't start - I really really REALLY did not want to call him. He had to replace the fuel filter in my car today - he's had ENOUGH of working on cars, so much so, in fact, that he's not coming home until tomorrow. At any rate, my brother figured out the problem (loose battery connection), so I was very very thankful to God for getting me out of that situation!

I've also been working on my character charts and GMC's for "The Rake's Lady" - just really organizing everything. I have a tendency to forget certain character traits, etc. I figured this time around, I'm going to have charts to help me out. I've got to improve over the process I used on my last novel - that one was too hit and miss.

The laundry is almost done, need to do a few dishes from supper, but otherwise, the house is pretty darn decent. It's been a very nice couple of days. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend, as well!

Girls Day Out

Well, it turns out my car didn't start because the alternator was bad. Thus, my husband and stepsons didn't leave until 11 a.m. this morning. My husband did all the work himself, with the help of a friend, so we didn't have to pay a mechanic, thank goodness. But he called me a few hours later and said the fuel pump went out again. He just replaced it on Wednesday! Looks like that parts store is going to be hearing from hubby. My hubby said he was ready to blow my car up. I don't blame him. We've had nothing but trouble with it for a week now.

I did accomplish quite a bit on my list. I slept in (and ooh, did it feel good!) and last night, I tackled my laundry room. It's a very small room and I had my rubber stamping stuff on a small table in front of the washer and dryer. But I haven't done any stamping in months, so I decided it was time to clean it up. The table had become a catch-all for all sorts of things, so I cleaned that up, straightened the storage room, swept, did laundry, and was completely exhausted by the end of the night.

After lazing around most of the morning, my daughter and I went out for lunch and then headed over to Hobby Lobby. We didn't find the "squishy things" but got distraced by lots of other stuff instead. I found a lamp on clearance - beautiful and matches my living room perfectly - that was originally $70 and I paid $14. That's a deal! I couldn't pass it up.

We headed over to the grocery store and came home hot and grouchy. My daughter asked, "Mom, is your nose sweating?" LOL! And yes, it was. Neither of us handle the heat very well. Since hubby took my car this weekend, I have his truck and believe me, it's not the greatest vehicle in the world. But it gets us around.

I did watch Frenchman's Creek this afternoon - oh, it is as good as I remember! (If you have a chance to watch this movie, please do - it is just wonderful). I think the last time I saw it, I must have been in junior high or high school. It is such a lovely, lush romantic film. My daughter watched Stitch: The Movie, so we were both happy.

Then it was cleaning time. I couldn't handle sitting still for much longer, so I tackled the living room and kitchen. Now I have at least three areas of the house that are CLEAN. And I guarantee you, five minutes after all three boys come home, it will be a mess again.

I did manage to get my Ben and Jerry's Lowfat Yogurt and watched The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. I love that movie. Sad, yet terribly romantic. I'm such a sucker for these old movies. I can watch them over and over again.

I didn't get any writing done today, but last night before I drifted off to sleep, I did think of my opening scene - the actual first few sentences I want to write. The first scene is very important to me. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want it to say.

My daughter is sacked out on the couch watching Disney's The Three Musketeers (Mickey, Donald, and Goofy) and just devoured a pop tart and a glass of milk.

It's been a nice, relaxing day - exactly what I needed. :-)

It's Friday For Sure

My car wouldn't start this morning. The battery was completely dead, for some strange reason. I hooked up the battery charger and waited. Nothing. Hubby rushed home from work (he only works about a mile away) and used his truck to jump start my car. It worked.

But, I was late to work, late to daycare, and you know what?

It's Friday. I didn't care.

I had a meeting at work today, had an early lunch, and have zippo motivation to get moving on my copywriting duties. Why do early lunches make the rest of the day go by soooo s-l-o-w?

At any rate, my husband is taking off for home this weekend with my two stepsons, so it should be a great chance for father and sons to bond before the kids leave for Kentucky for the rest of the summer. My daughter and I are staying at home. I've been gone for two weekends in a row and I NEED REST - translated: I want to sleep in.

I have a few things I want to accomplish this weekend:

1) Clean the house. From top to bottom.

Now really. Is this going to accomplish the whole "resting" thing? Probably not. But I can't take it anymore. I've let certain areas of the house go for too long and it's driving me close to the yawning pit of despair. (Do you remember the Pit of Despair from The Princess Bride? The albino said it to Wesley - "This is the Pit of Despair!!!!")

2) Go to Hobby Lobby with my daughter to find the "squishy things."

I don't know if I'll find them or not, but this week in my daughter's daycare, they learned about the heart, lungs, brain, liver, etc, and they had these little gel-like organs to show the kids. She showed them to me and asked if we could go to Hobby Lobby and find them. Well, sure. I don't know if we will find them, but at any rate, who can refuse a trip to Hobby Lobby? www.hobbylobby.com

3) Writing!

I need to sit down with my next historical, tentatively titled "The Rake's Lady" (although I think that's rather boring and very Regency-esque sounding, but it will do for a WIP), and figure out the next step. I'm taking a different approach on this novel - one that I hope will be a large improvement over the numerous edits I had to make on the last novel.

4) Watch Frenchman's Creek

Yay! It's here! I absolutely ADORE this movie. I'm going to grab a pint of the trusty B&J's Lowfat Yogurt Chocolate Fudge Brownie and settle in for a nice, relaxing evening.

5) Exercise.

My dog and I went for a great walk last night. Very fast-paced, which I like, because then I know I'm getting a lot better work-out than just a leisurely stroll. The only problem with taking my daughter for a walk is that I will not walk as fast simply because she has to stop at every single ant pile and wilted flower. Not that I mind on a normal walk, but when I'm exercising? Kind of counter-productive.

I'm trying to decide if I feel motivated enough to work now.

Hmmm...nah, not so much.

What is Digital History?

In my quest to constantly find my career path in the historical profession, I emailed my graduate advisor and asked him for some advice. He was so gracious as to point me in the direction of what might well be the wave of the future for historians - digital history.

My local university has hired two digital historians, so I'm thinking this latest craze is not a craze at all.

Digital history basically offers computer resources to help in research and teaching. This means that primary documents (letters, diaries, etc.) are scanned or re-typed to put online in order that more people can have access to them. Instead of taking a trip to the archives in Washington D.C., someone in Nebraska (like me!) can just look at the documents online. Primary texts are not the only things being digitized. History books are also being presented online, as well as online and virtual exhibits. There is even an academic journal entitled Journal for the Association of History and Computing, which represents the American Association of History and Computing, organized in 1996. So this is a fairly new step in the historical profession.

By using computers in the application of historical studies, history becomes more accessible to more people. We've already seen an explosion of historical sites within the past ten years.

Archives, museums, and historic sites are increasingly using digital history to reach a bigger audience.

Of course, there's nothing quite like going to the museum, site, or archives and holding the documents in your hands. It's a rather difficult feeling to describe. When I went to the archives for my thesis project, I actually held a German soldier's Soldbuch, rather like a documentation of everything he did and everywhere he went during the war. When you think of how many people touched that particular book, where that book was - in the deserts of North Africa, the frozen climate of Russia, and then to a small fort in Northwest Nebraska...well, it's just mind-boggling.

Still, I'm excited by this new venture into history and I will undoubtedly explore it more.

www.digitalhistory.com

http://mcel.pacificu.edu/jahc/JAHCindex.HTM Journal of the Association of History and Computing.

Character Interviews

I've recently re-discovered a very useful tool for developing characters. For me, thoughts and ideas flow like the proverbial river when I sit down and actually interview my characters.

It's not a stiff, formal interview - rather it's an intimate look into their lives. I ask questions, they respond as though I were a lifelong friend. They tend to tell me exactly how it is and thus, I can translate that into my story.

Some people probably think interviewing an imaginary person is quite strange. Non-writers would probably think me crazy, but you have to be a little bid addled in order to write.

I'm discovering that I have a better grasp on my characters, my plot, and my GMC this time around. My first novel was full of mistakes (which I think I fixed), but it was also a learning process - an invaluable one.

But if you're having trouble with a character and can't get him to "open up" to you, try an interview. You can do a search online and find "character interview questions" that just might jumpstart your plot and your story.

In Other News...

I took a two-hour nap last night and thus, didn't get to bed until late. I'm tired today and trying to keep my eyes open. It doesn't help that I have a ton to do today at work and do not have time to be tired.

I'm also looking into a new field called digital history. My university offers courses in it and I just might delve into it. Might be a new career.

Grandpa had a test that came back very good - so we're still in a bit of a waiting game on that score. But at least we're starting to get more answers than not now.

Tonight's goals: walk, eat a good supper, and finish reading a friend's manuscript. Oh yes - and the dreaded laundry.

*Yawn*

I'm too tired at this point to do a new post. I'm back at work and thankfully, don't have much to do. I'm going to spend the day mindlessly surfing the web in search of future career plans. I've decided I want to combine the publishing with the history, so I plan to get a job someday in academic publishing or some other type of history-related publishing.

For updates on Grandpa, see my post from Monday! (which I wrote late last night).

Blessings...

I'm back home.

The drive across Nebraska isn't as bad as across Kansas, or so I've heard. But I don't think I've ever done the Kansas drive.

But you don't want to hear about that!

You guys are just so awesome for caring and leaving me such encouraging comments.

And your positive vibes and prayers must have done some good because my grandfather is out of ICU, sitting up and talking, looking ten times better then he did on Friday. My dad told me that he didn't think Grandpa would be alive by the time I got there on Friday. I didn't think he'd make it through Friday night.

But lo and behold...a miracle. I couldn't believe the improvement. I thought for sure this was the end and I think a lot of my other family did, too.

But Grandpa's spirit isn't quite ready to let go. And that's just fine with me.

He's still very weak and they're doing more tests on him to try and get some further answers on his condition. I don't know that he'll be able to come home for quite some time, if ever. But he just simply amazed me with his recovery. And my grandmother! Wow. She is so strong. I can't believe how determined she is to care for her husband, to be by his side no matter what. That, my friends, is true love. They've been married for over 55 years.

Back to work tomorrow. I had a lot of time to think about my career and my future while driving and I'm excited to get started.

And then maybe I'll tell you all about my car adventures over the weekend... ;-)