The Long Road to Acceptance

I wish the title of this post referred to the long road to my novel being accepted for publication, but alas, that is not the case.

Instead, it refers to what so much of my posts lately have dealt with - my health.

After another unproductive writing weekend due to poor health, I had a startling and rather frightening epiphany: I can no longer do everything I once did.

This is a staggering realization in more ways than one. I've always loved to travel, but now, just making the trip home to western Nebraska results in a flare up. How am I going to go to all the places I long to see - Italy, Germany, France, Austria? Those trips involve a lot more than getting in the car and driving to my destination!

Then there's taking care of the house. I am very blessed to have a husband that helps with the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning. He's always been that way. But I want to pull my fair share of the chores, too, and I'm realizing that it takes all my energy sometimes just to vacuum.

Of course, the biggest fear I have is not being able to write everything that I want to write. On one level, I accept that I'll never be able to tell all the stories I want to tell because there are simply far too many. But I'm struggling with the projects I already have on my plate. Months ago, I had more energy and more enthusiasm - but the rheumatoid arthritis ebbs and flows in intensity, and right now, it's been keeping me down for the count more often than not.

I'll get them done - there's no fear of that. It's just that my timeline will be slower than usual.

And that is what is hard for me to accept. A slower pace. A reduced work load. Days when I simply don't have the energy or stamina to do the work. But there is always a voice in the back of my head that reprimands me on these days. It says, "You're being lazy. Get tough." And since I battle procrastination, I wonder if I'm using my health as an excuse to procrastinate.

But I instinctively know this is not the case. It's not laziness - it's inability.

Accepting that it is inability is the hard thing.

I once read a blog post from someone who suffers from rheumatoid arthritis who talked about the grieving process over his disease. I didn't understand exactly what he meant by grieving. Now I do. I grieve my lost energy. I grieve my pain-free existence. I grieve the fact that I will always have this disease - it's never going away.

However...

There is a bright side to this.

My writing.

I always come back to my writing. Why? Because that's who I am and what I do. I explore and understand my world through words. This will only lead to a richer, deeper, more meaningful life. And what is bad about that? Absolutely nothing.

But that's not all. I want others to see that suffering from chronic illness isn't the huge obstacle it appears to be. It is a mountain that needs to be climbed, yes, but you are not alone in climbing it. Others are right there with you, ready to lend a helping hand, ready to cheer you on as you take that next step.

We all have obstacles in life. Every single one of us. How we choose to look at those obstacles and overcome them is what defines us and shapes us and makes us into the person we want to be.

I'm choosing not to be bitter. I'm choosing to be positive. Does this mean I won't have down days and days where I complain and whine? Not at all. I'm only human, after all.

Acceptance is an ongoing process. On days like today (when the pain is bad and I just want to sleep), it's easier because I'm right in the grip of my illness. I know I can't do it all. But on the days when I feel better, I forget about those bad days and charge full steam ahead. Then, when I initially get hit with a flare up, acceptance is so hard. I'm on a good run and then slam headfirst into a brick wall.

I need to find a happy medium!  But I'm working on it, and God is helping me through it. Trusting in Him is what I need to do. The peace I feel when I do that is immeasurable.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be this personal on my blog. But the answer always comes back to me as a resounding YES. If I can help even one person, if I can give them comfort or encouragement through my trials, then putting myself out there is worth it.

Onward!

Joy

Remarkable.

One day the skies fill with thick clouds, obscuring your vision of the future, keeping you trapped in the here and now, in a place you don't want to be. 

The next (or perhaps the day after the next day), those clouds disappear. The sun emerges and the serenity, the fulfillment and bliss of life, once more settles comfortably around your shoulders. You breathe a sigh of relief, for you were waiting to exhale (even though you never did like that movie) and your patience has been rewarded.

The joy has returned. Perhaps it's the cooler temps, the promise of autumn right around the corner, the burst of creativity in the novel, or the simple state of being alive, but the depression has fled into its dark corner.

Make no mistake, it will return. But thank the Lord it decided to only stay a short while this time, not even long enough to unpack a suitcase before happiness reappeared and kicked it's sorry behind to the curb.

On Sunday night, you were thinking, "It will get better." Today, you think, "It is better."

Depression

There's a word for it that the psychologist and psychiatrists and therapists use - depression. But it's a word that doesn't quite encompass the feeling. There's more to it than that. Life is lackluster. There is no color. Everything is gray. Tears lodge in your throat and you have no idea what to even cry about. There is no reason. Why, life is good - a new job, new challenges, so many blessings to count that your heart is overflowing.

And yet.

It remains. It sneaks up on me, settling in my bones, a partner with the rheumatoid arthritis, sneaky little bastards they are, joining forces against me. I put up my defenses as best as I can. Take my meds. Read a book and lose myself in the story, forget the pain in my heart and in my joints. But the moment I look up from the book, the moment I recall my place in my reality, it comes back. All of it.

They say it's a chemical imbalance, they who know such things better than I do, and I believe them. Sometimes I don't want to think the reason for my heartache is a matter of brain chemicals that I have no control over. Go for a walk, they say, and get those endorphins going! Except I can't walk, not when my knees pop and crack, not when the exhaustion coating every single cell in my body refuses to let me do anything but stay in bed.

Write, I tell myself. Lose yourself in your story. So I open up the laptop, begin to write, let the words pour free, tell the inner editor to go stuff himself because I don't need any more criticism or negativity to hit me when I'm at a low point already. I write and I think that soon, there will be a day that I read this, a day where I am not depressed or hurting, a day when I will be smiling and enjoying life and the curl of my cat's paws as he moves in his sleep, or the feel of my husband's fingers curling around my own, or the wide smile my daughter gives me as she shares her heart with me.

But it's not today. Maybe it's tomorrow. Or the day after. There is always hope that this time, it will be short-lived, that it will not bring the suitcase with it and settle in the guest bedroom. I think of waking up in the morning and greeting the day with a yawn and the familiar grumble of morning activities, but then I will see the gorgeous blue sky and hear the birds chattering to each other and see the bustle of humans on their way to work and think, it truly is a wonderful world and glad I am to be a part of it today.

That is my hope.

Truth Revealed

I saw this on Pinterest today and I had to laugh:

Why did I laugh, you ask? Because this saying is true. Here's proof:

Yes, I bought a genuine, 1940s typewriter two years ago and it proudly sits in my office, reminding me of those first heady days when I wrote using my mother's manual typewriter.

I would buy more antique typewriters if I could, but alas, I haven't the money or the space for them, so I shall be content with this one for now.

One thing I will say, though. It is much easier to type on a keyboard than it is a typewriter!

Got the Writing Ups and Downs? IWSG Post

I've been writing since the sixth grade. I set up my mom's manual typewriter on an old school desk that my dad salvaged from his country schoolhouse. I used to spend summer nights in the nice, cool basement, listening to the radio, and typing away on my stories. I look back on those days with absolute fondness that has nothing to do with rose-colored glasses. It was a good time. It was a marvelous, creative, inspiring time. I conjured characters and insane plots and typed them all, meticulously recording how many pages I'd written on a lined sheet of paper I stuck to the concrete walls with a piece of black electrical tape.

I still have that piece of paper.

But as I have grown older and wiser in this writing gig, I realize that those heady first days of writing were not the norm. The norm also wasn't those dark days of despair when I sat and stared at the keyboard and not one single good idea emerged.

So what is the norm?

Both.

There are heady days full of joy and wonder. There are dark days full of angst and hand-wringing.

Both are intrinsic to the writing life. It's something I'm coming to accept more and more. When I get into a slump, I try not to panic because I know this is part of the cycle. The good part of the cycle will come back around again - I just have to survive long enough for it to show up.

Would it be nice if every single day was a gift from the writing gods, where they sprinkled amazing ideas, beautiful phrases, and witty dialogue into your brain? Sure. But then, would we really recognize the magic of writing if it was magical each and every day? Wouldn't it start to get, well...stale? Boring? Wouldn't magic become just...ordinary?

This is why we need both the good and the bad writing days - to help us keep our perspective, to help us experience all that the writing life has to offer. How else can we translate that experience onto the page? Answer: we can't.

So accept those down days, those days when the writing is hard and you want to chuck your keyboard through the nearest window. Be grateful for them because they show you just how good this writing gig can be.

Embrace them. Learn from them. Use them.

This post is part of the Wednesday postings for the Insecure Writers' Support Group.

Some Excitement...Finally

Writing has been the proverbial roller coaster lately. Lots of ups and downs, though the last few months have been a LOT of downs.

I knew when I finished writing my fifth novel that it would need major revisions. Little did I know just how major - we're talking ripping out most of the last half of the book. But my brain worked slowly and steadily toward a solution. I took notes, wrote down ideas, and did a lot of thinking.

Last night, all of it finally made sense.

And I'm excited for this novel again.

This is a very, very good thing. I can't wait to dive in and do the work. It's going to be a long haul, but the finished product will be worth it.

What has excited you in your writing world lately?

Pardon the Mess

I'm fiddling with my blog. I am one of those people who can never keep the same design or background for the entirety of my blog's life. That would just be boring. So I've switched up my template and am in the process of creating a new header.

I've been hit with another flare up of my RA, which doesn't surprise me as I've been going strong for the past month without any problems. But I was laid up all weekend. I pretty much slept and watched t.v. and read. My daughter and I even watched the Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton movie, Cleopatra, a four-hour odyssey that my daughter actually wanted to watch. She, like me, is a sucker for a love story.

That means, however, that I didn't get any writing done on the POW book or the novel, and I am anxious to remedy that except that I'm still not feeling good, but am at work instead of at home (and I'm not sure this was the best idea...).

But you know what? That's life. Gotta roll with the punches. Mourning the loss of this weekend isn't going to get me any closer to achieving my goals, and neither is pushing myself to work when I know my body will only rebel and force me to take it easy. I'm learning to listen to my body because if I don't...oh boy. The consequences are quite ruthless.

That's the update from this end. Not much, I know.

Oh! And our temperatures are in the high 90s all week long. Those who have been reading this blog for awhile know well my hatred for heat - and the fact that it's officially fall according to the school calendar if not the regular calendar just makes it that much worse that I have to endure heat now when the blasted weather had all summer to get up to its scorching temps.

I digress.

At any rate, it's gonna be a hot one, which means I won't be doing anything that requires me to be outside. In short, I'm retreating into hibernate mode.

And I'm okay with that.

It's Not Always About the Writing

There was an interesting post the other day over at Writer Unboxed on "The Dreaded Solitude of Writing" by Porter Anderson. I found it fascinating how some writers are so consumed by writing that even if they wanted to take a walk while in the midst of creating, they can't because it would interrupt the work. They are so disciplined that the writing comes first. Self-isolation and solitude are necessarily a part of such a committed writing life.

But when I read this writer's quote, about not being able to take a walk even if they wanted to, it made me feel, well...rather sad.

Now understand that I know how important discipline is to the writing life. Writers are world-class procrastinators, and if we let ourselves do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to, we'd never get anything done.

But there's discipline, and then there's...dare I say it...selfishness.

We writers are really good at not writing. That's why there are endless books, internet memes, and articles on how we should just write, darn it, and quit messing around. The writing is the be all, end all of our lives and we need to start ignoring those dirty dishes in the sink and the piles of laundry and just get the words down.

Yes, we need those books, internet memes, and articles to help us put aside our procrastinating ways and get to work. But I also think we're in need of something to balance things out a little more, something to show us that while writing is important, there are other things that sometimes should come first.

Here's an example.

My daughter is in her last year of middle school (which means high school is next year...gulp.). As a teenager, she's going through an absolute mishmash of changes - emotionally, physically, socially, etc. She has questions and concerns. And, thank the Lord above, we have the type of relationship where she comes and talks to me about them.

(As a slight tangent, I would say that teenagers need their parents more now than they do at any other age. They need us to be there for them in every way imaginable to help them navigate this confusing obstacle course of adolescence. But that's another topic for another post.)

I've noticed that she wants to hang out with me more now than she did a few years ago. This would seem to be the opposite of the typical teenage view that all parents are dorks and dumb and can't possibly understand what they're going through and should be avoided at all costs. So I'm rather glad that she enjoys spending time with me.

But sometimes, this cuts into the writing time. There are evenings where I'll be working away and she'll come up to my office with something that's bothering her and wants to talk. Or she just wants to hang out. And even though I have a deadline that I'm trying to meet, I put aside the writing and I listen to her.

Because the writing, though important, is nowhere near as important as my daughter.

The same goes for the rest of my family. If I haven't had a chance to catch up with my husband all day and I have to choose between either an hour of writing time or an hour with him, what do you think I'm going to pick? My husband. Every. Time.

Does this mean I'm not committed enough to the writing craft? Some might say yes. They are perfectly entitled to those beliefs. I don't share them, however.

But here is what I wrote in my comment over at Writer Unboxed: "I could have ten New York Times bestsellers to my name, but if I don’t have my family to share in my success, it will mean exactly nothing."

I firmly believe that.

We can become too obsessed with the writing, to the detriment of all else. We can become so obsessed that we forget to take a walk and see the beauty of God's creation, that we can forget to enjoy time with our family, that we can forget to experience life.

Because if you don't experience life, how in the heck are you going to write about it?

I propose a balance, a sort of triage system.

Each situation is unique; each moment is unique. If you're writing, or you need to write, and something else is competing for your time, evaluate which is more important at that moment. Sometimes it really is the dishes (especially if they have started to spill over onto the counter). Sometimes it really is taking a walk. Sometimes it really is listening to your daughter share a problem from school.

And sometimes, it's the writing. The dishes don't need to be done because, well, there's only a bowl in the sink and you're just procrastinating. And you don't need to take a walk because you've got to submit your freelance article in exactly one hour and you're not finished yet. And your daughter isn't sharing a problem at all, but has determined to tell you every last detail about the new rock band she likes and won't you just listen to their song and watch this video, and then maybe go to their website and see this cute picture of the bass player and....(look, it's always good to take an interest in what our children are involved in, but if this is the same rock band she told you all about last week, you have my permission to smile and nod and say, "honey, I would love to talk to you about the bass player's latest tweet about his love for peanut butter and how you love peanut butter and wouldn't the two of you make a perfect couple, but I need to get this finished up, okay?")

Balance.

So. What say you? How do you balance life with writing?

The Price of Love

My weekends are my rest and recuperate time.

I am not one of those people that tries to cram every last activity into two days only to end up exhausted and spent (but happy) on Sunday night. Instead, I work on my writing, putter around the house doing housework, watch some movies with my husband and daughter, and take naps.

Yeah, really exciting.

Occasionally, we will take a weekend trip, but I can't do too many of those. Traveling has become increasingly harder on my body ever since the rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis last year. In short, I have to be very careful to conserve energy. I use too much of it, I pay for it.

This last Saturday, something unusual happened. I did not sleep in. I was up at 8:30 a.m. and stranger still, I actually had energy to stay up instead of eating breakfast and then falling back asleep for another hour. So I went upstairs to my office, booted up the computer, and got to work on that history book I'm writing. I also did some housework, swept the driveway, and made a grocery list. Then my daughter and I headed out to finish getting her school supplies and also to get groceries.

I am a classic introvert, but I am also a pro procrastinator, which means I should have known better than to put myself in a situation where I would be surrounded by parents with children, all of them doing the same thing I was doing - waiting until the last minute to get school supplies. Suffice to say, by the end of the shopping session, I was ready to scream, and my body was aching.

After unloading groceries and decompressing for awhile, it was time for date night, and even though I was exhausted, I wanted to go. Both hubby and I started new jobs this year and our schedules have been somewhat erratic. A happy marriage is a marriage where you take the time - and make the time - to connect with each other. I was quite happy to go, and quite insistent.

A movie was out of the question since hubby wouldn't have stayed awake long enough to watch it, so we settled on bowling. We got to the bowling alley, paid for our games and shoes, then went to our lane only to discover...

...that we were surrounded by parents and young, screaming children.

Well. When you already pay for something, no use wasting that money, right? So we made the best of it. We bowled two games before my tolerance for noise and rambunctious children hit its threshold. And, dare I say it, my body hit that threshold at the same time.

When you have a chronic illness like rheumatoid arthritis, deviating off of a schedule can wreak havoc on your body. For me, the entire day had been a deviation.

And on Sunday morning, oh boy, did I pay for it.

I didn't crawl out of bed until noon. Still, I was bound and determined to work on that book (when you have a deadline with an actual, real publisher, it has a way of overriding your excuses), and I headed back to my office. I kept at it all afternoon, and also managed to try a new recipe - sloppy joe stuffed peppers - before ten p.m. rolled around and it was bedtime.

Funny thing, though, is that I was on a role with writing the book and didn't want to stop, even though my body was saying, "Go to bed, you daft woman!"

This morning, I woke up discombobulated (I love that word). Everything moved in slow motion - especially my body. My mind wasn't sharp (an unfortunate side effect of the medication I take) and I felt like I was wrapped in cobwebs.

It's early afternoon now and that discombobulation has progressed to an urgent need to crawl into bed and take a nap. Alas, I must keep working at the day job.

This, then, is the price of love.

I love to write, so I did.

I love my husband, so I went bowling.

Caveat - Before anyone thinks that my husband is a big ol' meanie who drags me out of the house despite how I feel, I can assure you that is not the case. He is my warrior, and my biggest supporter. He understands what I'm going through and tries to reduce my discomfort and pain as much as he can. He will be the last person to insist on me doing something if it's going to make my health worse. But in this case, I was insistent.

The thing is, when my RA flares up, I can forget my symptoms by diving into my writing or by reading a really good book. That's my escape.

And when I'm with my husband, who is my best friend, I am surrounded in a cocoon of unconditional love.

So really, a tired body on a Monday morning (and afternoon!) isn't such a big price to pay for love.

Friday Is Dessert Day

Since I changed my eating habits to lose weight back in January, the most anticipated day of the week for me is Friday. Why, you ask? Because I allow myself one delectable dessert a week - and Friday is the designated day.

This has worked very well for me. I eat my regular meals - minus any cakes, cookies, pie - during the week (my nutritionist built in my 3 squares a day of Dove Dark chocolate into my meal plan). Then on Friday, I allow myself an indulgent treat. If I were not addicted to sweets, then I'd pick some other indulgence - say a huge portion of Doritos or a mall pretzel. But my mother and my grandmother's penchant for being terrific bakers when I was growing up made me develop a very sharp sweet tooth. I'm not a big candy lover, but give me homemade chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, apple pie, cinnamon rolls...yeah. I'm a happy gal.

Except you can't eat that stuff and expect to lose weight.

Thus, the "once a week" idea was born because you have to reward yourself for all that hard work, correct?

And guess what today is? Friday. Which means it's Dessert Day.

Waiting for me is a cookie called the OD. We have a fabulous place in town that makes these oh-so-delectable homemade cookies, and the OD is a chocolate cookie with chocolate chips and chocolate frosting. OD'ing on chocolate is never a bad thing.

Here's to Friday - and here's to Dessert Day!

I'm Back

Here's the thing about blogging. You can use it however you want to use it. Want to establish a platform to sell your book/invention/greatest spaghetti sauce ever made? Blogging is one way to do it. Want to connect with other people with the same interests? It's good for that, too.

It can be full of your boring thoughts and bad jokes and cute, winsome photos that no one will care about reading. It can be rich, evocative posts about writing or raising children or cooking or life - and you can garner a readership of thousands. You can build a community and interact with others as little or as much as you want to.

The bottom line is, it's yours to do with as you want. But if it gets to the point where it's a chore, then it's time to step back.

So that's what I did.

But now I'm back. It's time. I want to reconnect with all of you and share thoughts on writing and parenting and books and movies and life. I want to visit your blogs and see what you've been up to, I want to encourage you and support you, laugh and cry with you, celebrate, grieve, whatever the case may be.

In short, I want to connect.

I blogged awhile ago about the possibility of blogging being a dying social media form. After containing most of my online presence these past few months to Twitter and Facebook (yes, I caved and joined Twitter), I haven't changed my mind about what makes blogging such an incredible way to connect with others. In short, if blogging is dying, it's a shame. But I don't think it is dying - at all.

Don't get me wrong - Twitter and FB have advantages. I've Tweeted history questions to noted WW2 professors on Twitter and received an answer. I've connected with other WW2 enthusiasts and had a great time discussing various aspects of the war. But those are more real-time conversations. They're not the type of conversation where you can take the time to read and re-read, and really absorb what it is that you're reading. If you do that on Twitter, the conversation passes you by, not to mention the fact that you have to limit your responses to 140 characters or less.

With blogging, it's more personal. And I think in this day and age, with rapid response being the go-to function for most of us, we need that personal touch. Blogging provides that.

In the past few days, I've noticed how much I've missed the sense of community I have with my blog. When I'm actively blogging and reading and commenting on other people's blogs, I don't feel so alone in this writing business. I don't feel like I'm in a cave in Antartica. I feel like I'm part of something.

For a long time, I always felt like my blog posts had to be deep, meaningful posts that conveyed some great truth (or attempted to) about writing or life or parenting or whatever. While I *hope* I've had those types of posts in the past, I realize now that I can blog about whatever the heck I want to. My blog, my rules, right? Well, to a certain extent. I'm not in the business of offending people, so I'll continue to keep politics and religion out of my posts unless I feel in the mood to vent/whine/celebrate. Ha!

Right now, I want to just blog just for the sake of blogging, just for the sake of putting my writing out there again. I've suffered a relatively significant blow to my confidence where my writing is concerned, and I've been mentally crippled for the past month or so. I have some good days, but the majority of the time, it's been a non-stop, "I don't have what it takes anymore" repeating in my head.

Not good.

Part of the reason this happened is because I put myself into isolation mode from those who I realize I've grown to treasure a lot - all my blog readers.

So it's time for the walls to come down. Of course, if I'm honest, I have to admit that summer does this to me. I go into isolation mode, rarely venture from the house (too hot) and generally have a foul attitude. But this summer, we've been rather fortunate to escape the really hot temps (in the past, we have clocked in near 110 sometimes) and we've enjoyed a relatively mild summer.

Still, I just don't like summer. I am not a camping/sun bathing/beach/swimming person. Give me the choice between a tropical island and a cottage in Scotland and you know which one I'm going to go for - the cottage every single time.

All this rambling is to say - I'm back to blogging. I plan to post whenever I want on whatever I want. And there's freedom in that. I think I'm going to embrace the freedom.

Autumn is just on the horizon, and I'm looking forward to all that it brings - but most especially, I'm looking forward to the time when my brain decides to turn the mood from "snarky and lazy" to "content and productive."

I can't wait to connect with all of you again.

I'll leave you with this:

Write (and live) with joy, with passion, with intent.