Staying Focused

Friends, sometimes it is exhausting to try and stay focused on goals.

Eat healthier. Lose weight. Exercise. 

Find a literary agent. Edit the novel. 

Keep working toward my dream of moving to England. 

And there are some days, like today, that I just want to sit on the couch and watch British murder mysteries. 

Last night I did my workout and it was fantastic. Felt good. Strong. Made a healthy dinner. Worked on the novel a bit. Went to bed early and couldn't sleep. Woke up and felt awful. Took an unpaid sick day (which I really can't afford to do, but...). 

I slept a lot and and then moved from bed to couch to start watching the new Palm Royale series on Apple TV which is fantastic. Now I'm watching Father Brown on BritBox and thinking I need to work on the novel.

My beloved Kathryn, who passed 3 yrs ago, knew how to rest!

Which irritates me because, as Devon pointed out in yesterday's post, why do we have such a hard time resting? I feel like if I'm not being productive, even on my days off or even on sick days, for goodness sake, I feel guilt and shame.

Capitalism. Midwestern work ethic. Call it what you will, but it's deeply ingrained in me - and many other Americans. I want to just watch television on a sick day without feeling guilty - maybe indulge in a sweet treat (trying to limit it to once a week except for my daily dark chocolate ration) and relax. Rest. 

I don't know how to combat this. I even felt guilty for taking a sick day. That's not right. 

But!

I'm still going to stay focused on my goals. Today might be a bleh day where I am not productive, don't get in a workout (I can't), and maybe only write a few sentences in the novel, or maybe none at all. And that's okay. 

Now if I can just convince my brain that it's okay!

THERE IT IS

 It's back. 

And who knows for how long? But for this day, for this moment, all is bliss. I'm happy, excited for the future, ready and eager to keep reaching for those dreams.

Is it because February, the hardest month of the year for me, is gone? Is it because for today, all is well at work - i.e. I know what I'm doing? Is it because I just finished watching the finale of the Apple TV show Ted Lasso and am brimming over with tears and a warm feeling in my heart? 

It's all of it and more, I'm sure.

I'm going to grab onto this moment, hold it tight, and remember how good it feels. 

When I work on my novel tonight - after I watch All About Eve with my pals on Twitter (we use the hashtag #TCMParty and live tweet throughout the movie) - I plan to immerse myself deeply into my story, and try to remember why I write: because I love it.

Life Update

I figured something out the other night. Because I lived for years never knowing what was coming around the bend with my then-husband (would he end up in a fight? Come home drunk? Be arrested? Yes, all of these things happened), I lived in a constant state of fight or flight. And even now, years later, when I am in an uncomfortable situation - like learning the processes of a new job - it triggers the fight or flight response. I've had to take deep breaths, remind myself that this is temporary, that I just need to not be afraid to ask questions when I'm unsure of something, and most importantly, to take it slow. 

As far as the novel goes, my editing process is messy, but it seems to work for me. I'm starting to figure out what needs to be changed, and starting to find my groove. Huzzah!

The weather has been unseasonably warm, and the other night I found a tick on my scalp. Yes, a TICK. I was appalled. A tick? In March?!? Climate change is really messing with the world.

And finally, I have to share this amazing sign that my niece made for me for my new apartment. Some day, I want to hang it in my home in England.