Feeling Discombobulated

This self-portrait by the French artist Élisabeth Vigée Le Brun has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just love it. 

I know why I feel discombobulated.

It's a mixture of things. 

Crazy stress at work. The state of America and its fascist leaders (we really are in a Constitutional crisis). Trying to talk sense into my MAGA mother and the resulting fallout of angry words and long silences. My chronic illnesses refusing to give me even a single day of feeling decent. Not seeing my partner since last month even though he only lives 3 hours away. 

Normally, I'd go for a nature walk and take pictures of birds. That always has a way of lifting my spirits. But because I do not want to risk a flare, and thus miss out on work (which I literally cannot afford to do right now), I'm not pushing myself to do so. I take my dog out for a stroll around the park at least three times a day, but it's not the same. 

I've been able to write on the weekends, yes, but my weeknights have turned into more of a rest and recuperate from work. I usually sit on the couch and try to catch my breath. That is not how I want to live my life.

I don't know how to fix it, though. 

I need the income from a full-time job. I need the health insurance. 

And finding a new job in this economy and during a time when so many have lost their jobs? Not impossible, but not easy, either. 

I see women my age who have ditched the 9-5, moved abroad, and made it work. Many were able to do so because they have a partner to provide financial security, or came into an inheritance, or have money after a divorce. 

I don't have any of those things, and I can't just "wing it" and not worry where my next paycheck will come from. I need the safety and security of having a paycheck. I also do not have the health to do the hustle culture anymore. That part of my life is done. Still, I'm working a full-time job and a part-time job to make ends meet. Why? Because of health insurance. My daughter is still on my insurance and it costs a bundle. She'll be on it for one more year since she'll turn 26 next year, so I'll need to do both jobs at least until then.

What's the solution?

I don't know.

I have an idea for a podcast that I think would be awesome - but again, I don't have the time, energy, or health to do it right now.

I'm beyond frustrated.

I moved halfway across the country to start a new life. And I don't feel like I've really started it. Yes, I'm focusing on my health (I've lost some weight and hopefully, this will help with my high cholesterol, etc.), and am starting to do some things in the community. But that doesn't change the daily grind. I no longer have a work-life balance. 

When I withdrew from my PhD program due to my health, I promised myself that I would focus on my fiction writing. And I have - but it's only on the weekends. I want to be able to write a little bit at least every night, if possible. 

Sigh. 

I think it's time I have a check-in with my therapist.

The Peculiarities of Grief

 As we get older and we see the people who entertained us start to pass on, it's only natural to feel some sadness. Some deaths affect us more than others, and I think it's because of how that artist touched our lives. Art is powerful, and evokes considerable emotions within us. Art is a way for us to connect, to feel, to experience.

And so I was rather astonished that I took the passing of Val Kilmer as hard as I did. In the few weeks since his passing, I've cried, read tributes to him from others in the entertainment business, watched some of his movies again, and scrolled through tons of pictures from early in his career to later. A few years ago, I watched his documentary, Val, and saw what a eccentric genius he was, so full of life and spirit and that creative spark only a few in this world truly have. To see him still create and be so vibrant despite his health challenges made me just admire him all the more. I don't know that I can watch it again because I'll be a sobbing mess.

But I've had to ask myself: why am I experiencing such grief over his passing? 

I think it's a few things.

One, I grew up with Val Kilmer movies - Willow, Top Gun, etc. He was part of my life, just as Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Tom Hanks, and so many more were, and losing him (and Carrie Fisher, Prince, and others who entertained me and fellow GenXers) means I've lost some of my childhood. And it is a loss, even if I never met any of them. So it's only natural to grieve. It also makes us confront our own mortality. I will be 50 years old in two months, which means half of my life is over. It's sobering and frankly, a little terrifying.

But the second reason I'm mourning is because I totally fell in love with Val Kilmer's character Simon Templar in The Saint. 

I was a senior in college when The Saint came out in 1997. I remember a guy asking me on a date to go see it at the movie theater downtown. From the moment it started, I was completely captivated. This movie had everything, absolutely everything, that I love: an international setting, romance, unscrupulous villains, a complicated hero, espionage, a smattering of comedy, and a happy ending. 

But Simon Templar...oh Simon Templar was the man I wanted to fall in love with, the man I wanted to take me on fantastic adventures away from my small Nebraska college town, the man who was the perfect hero, the perfect lover - everything all rolled into one.

And when I was in college, I desperately wanted a man to fill the gaping void in my soul. Because I had a distant father growing up (though our relationship has since healed) who did not show me affection or tell me he loved me, I turned to romance novels and romance movies to escape, and in real life, I was certifiably boy crazy. Any boy who showed me attention instantly hooked me, and as a result, I ended up with some terrible men and had my heart broken more than once. I wanted my real life hero, and I wanted my happily ever after, and I drove myself into a terrible 18 year abusive marriage trying to find it. (Only now, after a painful divorce, therapy, and years of healing, do I realize I do not need a man to complete me).

So when I saw Val Kilmer bring Simon Templar, my perfect fantasy man, to life onscreen, you bet I fell for Val Kilmer. Hard.  When the movie ended, I was on such a natural high that I walked out of that theater feeling like I was on a cloud. I remember going to the bar afterwards and telling anyone and everyone who would listen how incredible the movie was and to go see it immediately. I bought both the soundtracks on CD (I still have them) and bought the movie poster. 

It remains one of my favorite movies of all time. Some people think it's corny, but I don't care.  

Kilmer's passing triggered something in me - maybe I am grieving for that woman who, after watching that film, was more determined than ever to go to Europe and find adventure and romance, to get out of Nebraska and see the world, and I failed. I ended up staying in Nebraska for the next 27 years. I had so many dreams - and because of bad choices and bad decisions, they were put on hold. 

I think it's all sort of intertwined. Grief at how things just didn't go to plan for that vibrant, excited young woman; grief at losing such a pivotal figure of my childhood; grief at facing my own mortality.

I feel sort of ridiculous crying over someone I never met, but grief doesn't necessarily make sense, and so I'm allowing myself to grieve. I'm rewatching many of Val Kilmer's films that I haven't seen in years, or watching ones I've never seen before, and I ordered his autobiography because I want to know more about who he was. Though there are stories of him being difficult to work with, there are many more stories of his generosity and kindness, of his brilliant eccentricities, of his friendship, of him loving his children and being a wonderful father. He wasn't perfect - none of us are - but in Hollywood, there aren't many celebrities who don't have some kind of scandal attached to them. Val seems to be one of the rare ones who made his art one of his top priorities.  

So yes. I will miss him. I'm so glad, though, that he will remain immortal through his films. 

Letting Go

I'm currently listening to a song called "Time for Letting Go" by Jude Cole, one of my favorite singers from the 1990s. It's appropriate for this post because there's some things I need to let go.

I wrote and published prolifically for years. Nine novels (one published). Two nonfiction books. Several magazine articles. I also did freelance book reviews and back cover copy. In addition to that, I worked a full-time job, raised a family, and endured an abusive marriage.

And I am tired.

When I made the move to Virginia, I did so with the intention of creating a life that I loved. That's meant taking a long, hard look at a lot of different aspects of my life, making tough decisions, and enduring a weird sort of grieving process. Let me explain.

I did all of those writing projects - freelance and otherwise - for many reasons. Yes, I was fascinated by several aspects of WW2 and I wanted to research and write about them, so I did. But the freelance stuff? I did it for the money, pure and simple. Why? Because I had a financially irresponsible husband, and I had to make sure the bills were paid and the kids taken care of. Growing up with two financially irresponsible parents only made my financial trauma that much more difficult to deal with. So I burned the candle at both ends and hollowed myself out.

I'm still feeling the effects of it years later. (Is it effects or affects? I'm too tired to look it up).

But on top of the burnout is this expectation that as a writer and historian, I need to produce and produce and produce. And not blog posts or Substack notes or emails - but publications. No, I'm not a professor and do not need to make tenure, but as an independent historian, the pressure to publish still exists.

Within the first month of moving to Virginia, I landed on a potential nonfiction book project. Camp Peary, known as "The Farm," the not so secret CIA training facility, is located on the outskirts of where I live. During WW2, US Navy Seabees trained here. Italian and German POWs were also imprisoned here. And lo and behold, no one has written a book about Camp Peary during WW2. It's like the project just fell into my lap. In looking at my archival resources, I discovered a rich trove here in Virginia as well as in the national archives in D.C. which is now a three-hour train ride away.

This is a postcard from Camp Peary during WW2

I want to write this book. I do. 

But I can't right now. And this makes me grieve. 

Why? Because I desperately want to write it, but my health won't allow it. My brain and my body can't do it. Add in the complete chaos happening on a daily basis in America and it's just...nope. Not happening. It's all I can do to work my full time job and maybe write in the evenings if I have the energy. 

Do I feel guilty for that? You bet I do. I see so many people being incredibly prolific, and I envy them. I also think I should be just like them and write all the things, limitations be damned. But I  can't. I've yet to accept it. I'm not sure what stage of grief I'm in - but I'm not at acceptance yet. Anger? Denial? Probably both. 

But for my own peace of mind, I definitely need to accept this new reality. I'm damn proud of what I've already accomplished. And if I never publish anything again (gulp. That makes me really, really sad), at least I've got some books out there in the world.

I'm not saying I'll never start the nonfiction project, but right now is not the time. I need to learn more about my new state, familiarize myself with the area, and do a lot of research into where I live before I can even begin to think about starting that project. It'll take time. I need to give myself that time.

Until then, I'm going to focus exclusively on my new novel. I'm enjoying it so far, and as its lighthearted women's fiction, it's a welcome change of pace and escape from the current world we're living in. 

I'm also going to focus on my health. I cleaned up my diet a LOT (which I hope will bring down my cholesterol and triglycerides) and have an appointment set up for a pelvic physical therapist for my adhesions. I went on a walk the other day and hopefully, if I can get the pain in my abdomen to settle down, I can continue that this week. Who knows? Maybe I'll start to feel better. I know I won't be cured, but if I can pace myself well and prioritize my health, I can manage my chronic illnesses. 

So. It's time for letting go...of expectations...of perfect health...of guilt...

And time to be okay with what is.

Odds and Ends

I've been in a flare for the past few days. Yesterday, I had to take the afternoon off so I could sleep. I napped for four hours. I woke up exhausted, my joints burning and in pain, my body just one big ball of exhaustion. There's nothing I can do during these flares except rest and accept that it's happening. If I get upset, I stress myself out, and that just makes everything worse.

Today, my abdominal adhesions caused such intense pain I could barely stand it. Worse, they're causing pain in my chest - I don't know if this is referred pain, or if this is my fibromyalgia, or what it is, but after work today, I sat on the couch, took some pain meds, and put my heating pad over the entire area. While it still hurts, the pain is under control now. I'm waiting to hear back from a pelvic physical therapist here in my city so I can hopefully get some relief.

Oddly enough, after the pain subsided, I wanted to work on my novel. I managed to write over 1,000 words, and it was a fun scene to write. My main character just turned 50, and had to quit her dream job as a director of a nonprofit. She has a chronic health issue - like me! - and is taking a long break to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. She meets other women in midlife who are also dealing with their own issues. I don't have the entire thing plotted out, but rather letting the story take me where it will.

I've written only a handful of contemporary stories - and never a full-length novel - so this is a departure for me. But I'm enjoying it. 

I'm reading a wonderful novel called Johanna Porter Is Not Sorry by Sara Read. I was in a reading slump for awhile, so I'm glad I decided to read this one. Sara also lives in Virginia, and we've connected via Substack. I hope we can meet in person at some point since she lives close to me.

I'm hopeful this dumb flare will end soon because look at these beauties!

I have a walking trail right by my house, but it is not smooth pavement. The rocks were digging into my other walking shoes and I determined I needed some sturdier shoes to protect my feet. These arrived today and they fit like a glove. Now I just need to feel better so I can go and walk!

This and That

Pretty LuLu in the sun!

Life has been interesting lately...

Health Issues

After seeing the same primary care physician for the past 22 years, finding a new doctor wasn't something I really wanted to do. But since I live 1300 miles way from said doctor, I didn't have a choice. I had my first appointment yesterday, and it went quite well. We have an action plan for some of my health issues.  I had my bloodwork done and unfortunately, it came back with high cholesterol and high trigylcerides, which I already knew. I've been on a med and daily fish oil to lower them, but I don't think it's working. I'm sure a push to lose weight is in the works, and I can't say that I will fight it. I need to lose weight, but doing so is just so damn exhausting. When you have chronic illnesses and can't keep a steady exercise regimen, it makes it incredibly difficult to shed pounds. I don't eat that badly, either. I allow myself to eat out once a week and have a treat, like a slice of cake or something, once a week, as well (Friday night is my preferred day for both!). My weight has yo-yo'd ever since I had my daughter nearly 25 years ago. I've gained and lost, gained and lost, but this time, I can't seem to lose anything.

My abdominal adhesions are causing me no end of grief. I'm pretty sure I have an entrapped nerve somewhere in my thigh area, and it's causing shooting pain down my leg. I'm also having a lot of abdominal pain. Solution? Back to the pelvic physical therapist I go! 

HOA Issues

I do love my new apartment and the location. I have a splendid balcony on the second floor. Unfortunately, the sun beats down on it every afternoon and through the patio windows. I've already installed black-out curtains to help. But I also want to sit on my patio and enjoy it! So I bought a patio umbrella and spent a few lovely, blissful evenings there before someone ratted me out to the HOA. Apparently, in this condominium building (I rent my apartment) shades, patio umbrellas, and the like are NOT ALLOWED without express written permission from the Board. I was livid. Why am I not allowed to provide shade for myself? Because it ruins the way the building looks? If that's the case - and I'm sure it is - that is downright ridiculous. When I asked my property manager if I had any alternatives, she replied, "Sunglasses?" which just infuriated me. 

I've contacted building management to see if I can request permission for the patio umbrella. Light sensitivity comes with ME/CFS (one of my chronic illnesses) and I'm really hoping they will let me have the umbrella.

Other apartment woes include a leaking pipe underneath the sink - and we just now discovered it - which meant everything I store under that sink is covered in mold and ruined. The repairman came to look at the refrigerator today, and we need an entirely new ice making kit. The time on my washing machine also isn't working. Sheesh!

On Writing

I'm enjoying writing my new novel, but I'm running up against procrastination again. I joined a group that writes via Zoom twice a week to try and hold me accountable. I could have participated tonight, but wasn't feeling it, so hopefully on Sunday.

I'm also hoping to blog more regularly here. I journal every night, but I think blogging here to establish a writing habit is also a good idea. 

Weekend Plans

No plans for the weekend, though I may pop over to Colonial Williamsburg and go to the Art Museum if I'm feeling up to it. Otherwise, lots of rest, reading, writing, and watching my beloved British murder mysteries! 

The Best - and the Worst - of Times

Haven't blogged on this platform for awhile; instead, I've been using Substack. While I've made some great connections and enjoy some of the newsletters, I feel a bit intimidated about writing my own stuff. Isn't that strange? I feel like I can be more myself on my own blog...even though it's my own blog on the other site, too. Weird. 

Anyway.

I've now been living in Virginia for two months. The move from Nebraska went fantastically well, and the pets traveled the 1300 miles with nary an issue. That surprised me the most, I think! We've all settled into our new home. My daughter found a job and while I'm continuing to work at the same one I've had for the past year, I'm hoping I can find one involving the history around my area. But with the Terrible Orange One and his Evil Minion (you know who I'm talking about) cutting jobs left and right with the National Park Services, who knows? 

I feel like I'm living in the best of times (my own personal life) and the worst of times (the destruction of democratic values and the rise of authoritarianism in my own country). Every day brings a new calamity from our government. The latest debacle - the shameful treatment of Urkaine president Zelenskyy by Trump and Vance - made my blood boil on a level it hasn't in a few days. HAHAHAHA. I've always had low blood pressure, but this administration might change that. It's been a battle to try and focus on my own positive changes in the midst of the devastation. 

So for this post? I'm focusing on The Best of Times.

1) I joined a local writing group that meets once a month. There's around 30 of us, of all ages and types of writers. I met some lovely people already, and I look forward to participating more.

2) I've started a new novel. It's not a historical one (though I'm currently plotting my next one), but contemporary women's fiction. Or maybe it's chick lit. I really don't know at this point. All I know is that I'm having fun writing it. It's about a woman in midlife fighting a chronic illness who abruptly quits her job and heads to England to rest and recuperate and decide what she really wants for the next half of her life. I wasn't originally intending on adding the chronic illness aspect, but I feel like that's something not often explored in fiction, and since I have several chronic illnesses, well, it only felt natural.

3) There is a lovely walking trail just down the block from there I live. I've taken several walks there and snapped wonderful photos of birds, many of which are not in Nebraska. It's refreshed my spirit.


4) I love my new home! I'm in a part of town close to everything I need, and within walking distance of Barnes and Noble, restaurants, and other shops. The people in my building are quite friendly; in fact, everyone here is very nice and pleasant.


5)Yesterday, I went and bought some patio furniture for my balcony, and also put up two birdfeeders. I've had several finches visit already, and I hope some other species will also stop by!

6) Spring and warmer temps will be here soon! I plan to do lots of exploring when that happens. I'm surrounded by an abundance of history, and while I've explored some of it, I've not made even a dent in everything I want to see.

That's the update from here.