One post in particular hit me in the gut.
Raising a daughter and two stepsons, and dealing with the "bad" things in my marriage had been difficult. I found my self-esteem starting to drop and I developed a rather craven attitude (to me) of wanting to stay in the house all the time, not meet new people, not do new things. In short, I wanted to be "safe." I could control the world in my house - to an extent. (Or so I thought. I realize now that I wasn't controlling it at all - it was controlling me). I couldn't control the outside world. So I stayed in the safe zone.
Wow. That could almost describe my life in the past two years. I retreated from the world, never wanted to go out, and was in my "safe zone." Part of it was my health worsening, but part of it was also living in a marriage that I refused to believe could not be saved. I hung on and on. When we'd get into another fight, I knew it would blow over and we'd resume as normal - until the next one. On and on this went.
Reading those past posts, I feel incredibly foolish for having married him a second time. But when I made that decision in 2009, I truly thought he'd changed. He seemed like a different man and I thought it would be different. But as the months and years went by, he reverted back to the one I'd left in the first place.
Some lessons in life are learned the hard way. In this case, the really hard way.
Since the split, I've made it a point to go out and do more, to experience new things and meet new people. I did that Friday night for St. Patrick's Day. And I'll do it again this week when I go see the Tommy Dorsey Band play. Already I feel like I'm finding myself again, finding that woman who used to crave adventure and enjoyed discovering the world. Somehow, she got lost.
No more.
It's time to take care of me now. It's time to listen to that inner voice and learn to embrace the unknown. It's time to see what's out there in this big, wide world.
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Whoa, that's trippy... I'm glad you're not retreating. the Tommy Dorsey concert sounds like so much fun!
ReplyDeleteIt IS trippy, isn't it? When I go back and re-read those posts after our first divorce, it's like I'm re-living it. It's been quite the eye-opener.
DeleteI can't wait for the concert! Even if I have to go by myself, I'm going!
I'm fascinated by the fact that we don't really seem to learn some things (or recognize that we've gone through X before?), unless maybe something like this, that is so eye-opening, really lets it sink in? It's a simpler thing, but I remember when my dad used to golf several times a week, he'd come home and say "I figured something out, I just need to do swing easier" and we'd all be like, but you just said that a month ago, what happened? And he'd swing easier for awhile, then forget all about it, and then a couple months later, he'd announce it all over again. It didn't seem to matter, he'd have to keep relearning. At least that's just a game! Nothing like relationships that can affect our heart and very core of our being.
DeleteLooking forward to hearing all about the concert!!