This self-portrait by the French artist Élisabeth Vigée Le Brun has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just love it.
It's a mixture of things.
Crazy stress at work. The state of America and its fascist leaders (we really are in a Constitutional crisis). Trying to talk sense into my MAGA mother and the resulting fallout of angry words and long silences. My chronic illnesses refusing to give me even a single day of feeling decent. Not seeing my partner since last month even though he only lives 3 hours away.
Normally, I'd go for a nature walk and take pictures of birds. That always has a way of lifting my spirits. But because I do not want to risk a flare, and thus miss out on work (which I literally cannot afford to do right now), I'm not pushing myself to do so. I take my dog out for a stroll around the park at least three times a day, but it's not the same.
I've been able to write on the weekends, yes, but my weeknights have turned into more of a rest and recuperate from work. I usually sit on the couch and try to catch my breath. That is not how I want to live my life.
I don't know how to fix it, though.
I need the income from a full-time job. I need the health insurance.
And finding a new job in this economy and during a time when so many have lost their jobs? Not impossible, but not easy, either.
I see women my age who have ditched the 9-5, moved abroad, and made it work. Many were able to do so because they have a partner to provide financial security, or came into an inheritance, or have money after a divorce.
I don't have any of those things, and I can't just "wing it" and not worry where my next paycheck will come from. I need the safety and security of having a paycheck. I also do not have the health to do the hustle culture anymore. That part of my life is done. Still, I'm working a full-time job and a part-time job to make ends meet. Why? Because of health insurance. My daughter is still on my insurance and it costs a bundle. She'll be on it for one more year since she'll turn 26 next year, so I'll need to do both jobs at least until then.
What's the solution?
I don't know.
I have an idea for a podcast that I think would be awesome - but again, I don't have the time, energy, or health to do it right now.
I'm beyond frustrated.
I moved halfway across the country to start a new life. And I don't feel like I've really started it. Yes, I'm focusing on my health (I've lost some weight and hopefully, this will help with my high cholesterol, etc.), and am starting to do some things in the community. But that doesn't change the daily grind. I no longer have a work-life balance.
When I withdrew from my PhD program due to my health, I promised myself that I would focus on my fiction writing. And I have - but it's only on the weekends. I want to be able to write a little bit at least every night, if possible.
Sigh.
I think it's time I have a check-in with my therapist.
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It's hard. As someone who freelances full time and never knows how much will come in on any given month, although I know how much HAS to come in, it adds a layer of stress to everything that makes even likable work more difficult. Which is, of course, part of the intent of those adding the layers of stress. They want to break us. I keep on keeping on out of spite sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou may not feel like you've made huge changes, but from a distance, I see them. This move was great. Give yourself time. Because of your health, you need more time to set up the life you want. It takes a year or two to feel settled in a place, I find, and the older I get, the longer it takes.
We live in a society that treats illness as a luxury instead of health care as a right. Until that changes, little else will.
I think about you often when it comes to how you make it freelancing full-time. While there are certainly wonderful aspects to it, the stress must be so hard. And you're right - it's like they don't want us to succeed. The rich keep getting richer to the point where they have ZERO idea what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I feel like we're approaching a French Revolution-style comeuppance.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the thoughtful words. I sometimes don't see the forest for the trees - and you're right. I need to give myself time to adjust and feel settled.