Body Neutrality

 As a child, I ate whatever I wanted and didn't gain a thing. This same behavior continued through my teen years and into college. I had fantastic metabolism, and it didn't help that my mom and both my grandmothers made delectable sweets. I indulged to my heart's content and didn't know the meaning of the phrase "once in awhile." A little hard to do when every single week, my mom made cookies or brownies or cake or cinnamon rolls...oh it was all so darn good! 

I didn't start putting on weight until after I graduated from college, and then it wasn't much. Marriage and pregnancy followed, and after my daughter was born, I was starting to get back to my normal shape when I took a birth control shot that made me gain 50 pounds in a year. I have had health and weight issues ever since. I've had to unlearn bad eating habits, and learn to love to exercise. I go in spurts, though. When you have chronic illnesses that keep you bedridden for days at a time, exercise is impossible, and you don't worry too much about what you eat just as long as you eat!

So over the years, I've yo-yo'ed with my weight. I was at my heaviest from around 2005-2008, and though I haven't reached that weight again, I've come close. The women on my mother's side were all plump so I come by it honestly. But it doesn't make it any easier. I have an appalling habit of thinking I look absolutely disgusting with cellulite on my thighs, flabby arms, and a stomach that sticks out. 

Since giving birth 23 years ago, the thinnest I've been was after my divorce. I lost a lot of weight through exercise, diet, and plain old fashioned grief and trauma. Not exactly the healthy way to do it. But you know what? I was so much happier when I was thinner. People always say that they were as unhappy at their thinnest as they were when they were at their heaviest. Not me. I feel so much better both physically and mentally when I'm not carrying extra weight.

Unfortunately, losing weight has become even harder lately. The pandemic didn't help, and neither did my worsening health conditions. Two of them make losing weight hard: 1) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a metabolic disorder with insulin resistance being one of its biggest hallmarks, and 2) hypothyroidism, even though I've been on medication with it since right after my daughter was born. I'm also post-menopausal! Combine those three things with the fact that exercise is hard to do when I can't get out of bed, and it feels impossible to lose weight.

Bottom line? I need to lose weight for my health, yes, but if I don't shed 30 pounds (I'd be happy with 10 at this point!), I need to start accepting my body and loving myself. Do you know how hard that is?

Last night I realized that I have developed body dysmorphia. I simply cannot look at my body rationally - I see it differently constantly, and I criticize it. I also hate going out into society because I will worry about how people look at me. It is utterly exhausting. And I am beyond tired of it.

So. Last night I decided enough was enough. There are two great movements surrounding body image - the body positivity movement and the body neutrality movement. I like the latter one as I think trying to always be positive about your body is incredibly hard. Instead, I'd like to be neutral about it. 

On Instagram, I've started following accounts of women who are open and honest about their struggle with their weight and their body image. It is so helpful to see how other women are dealing with this issue. And also? I feel inspired to start dressing my body for the way it is, not the way I want it to be. When I went jeans shopping a few weeks ago, I wanted to cry in the dressing room over how everything fit despite the fact that I'd been watching my diet and exercising (when possible) for nearly a month. But clothes should fit MY body, and not the other way around. Size really is just a number.

But changing my mindset to one of body neutrality and acceptance is incredibly difficult. It won't happen overnight. It's something I'll struggle with the rest of my life.

I found this quote last night and it hit me hard:

I would much rather live boldly and defiantly accept! But I have to also keep my health in mind. Body neutrality doesn't mean I can just stop exercising and eat junk. Diabetes runs in my family, and I want to make sure I stave it off as long as possible. I love to walk and work out on my treadmill, so I will continue to do both.

But it's time to stop hating my body. It's time to start dressing cute and stop hiding behind big t-shirts. It's time to stop feeling less than because my body isn't like it used to be when I was 19 years old. Bodies change as we age, and that's okay.

Missing My Manuscript

After I finished the first draft of my manuscript, I wanted to take a break from it, get some distance before I started revisions. That didn't happen. My brain had too many ideas swirling around, so I allowed myself to dive in. But with my trip to Scotland approaching, I found myself becoming immersed in travel plans. And why not? That's part of the fun of traveling! So it's been a few weeks since I've really worked on the novel, and that's okay.

With about two weeks left before my trip, I've wrapped up my shopping and other planning, so now I'm casting about for something to do. Dive back into the novel only to be interrupted again in two weeks with my trip? Read a bunch of books? Both? 

One thing is for sure: I'm really missing my manuscript. I feel like I've left my characters in the lurch, and they're sitting around, waiting for me to return. But without me really meaning to, I've gained the distance I needed from the novel, and now perhaps feel more objective in my revisions.

All of this only solidifies something for me that I've always known: I'm a writer. I can't go for long without  putting words on the page. Oh, I write emails and social media posts and the occasional blog post, but nothing compares to writing fiction. 

So. I'll probably wade back into the revision waters, and even though I will be interrupted by my vacation, that's fine. I will undoubtedly come up with some pretty amazing story ideas while in Scotland!

In Other News...

Since autumn temps keep teasing us, the summer depression is finally beginning to lift. We still have a week of temps in the high 80s coming up, but I'll take those over the brutal 100 degree days we had a few weeks ago. That means wearing yoga pants and long-sleeved shirts! I love being comfy!

I've been working on losing weight and my god is it ever HARD when you are a post-menopausal woman with hypothyroidism and PCOS and other chronic illnesses which makes shedding the pounds about as easy as resisting a freshly-baked, warm chocolate chip cookie (THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!). Still, I am trying to do this for my health - diabetes runs in my family, so I'd like to stave off that disease for as long as I possibly can - hopefully forever. 

Unfortunately, thanks to the weight gain, none of the jeans I own fit. Okay, I take that back. They fit, but not comfortably, and I wanted to avoid buying a new pair for my trip. What's odd is that a size 8 in one brand almost fits me while a size 14 in another doesn't at all. Why is this??? Why do manufacturers vary so widely in their sizing? I don't know, but it's frustrating as hell. I went shopping last week and couldn't find a pair of pants that fit to save my life. The problem is my stomach. I have pelvic adhesions, which makes wearing a hard waistband like jeans nearly impossible, and I have to go up in a size to accommodate my tummy, which means the rest of the jeans are bulky and don't fit right. ARGH. It is SO MADDENING. So I've decided that, in the name of comfort, I am going to wear leggings during my entire Scotland trip. I have adorable long sweaters and tunics plus boots and some snazzy sneakers to wear  with them so I will look cute, but I really wish I could wear a pair of jeans without pain. Oh well. The goal is to be comfortable, right? Right!

This week we bought two hummingbird feeders, and yesterday, I sat outside for nearly two hours waiting to take a photo of these gorgeous little birds. Just as I was about to head inside, this female ruby-throated hummingbird (the females do not have the telltale ruby color on their throats - just the males) showed up. I was so excited! I eagerly snapped her photo. I love them so much!

No Regrets

 I saw an incredibly powerful video on Instagram the other day. A palliative nurse shared the top five regrets people had as they lay dying. I wrote them down because they spoke so loudly to me. 

1) Have the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expect of you. 

2) Don't work so hard.

3) Let yourself be happier.

4) Stay in touch with your friends.

5) Have the courage to express your feelings

Are there any you would add?

A fox from our backyard camera